The Mel Robbins PodcastBe Confident: Use Body Language to Boost Your Influence & Income | Mel Robbins Podcast [ENCORE]
CHAPTERS
- 0:03 – 4:31
Why body language and charisma are the fastest way to look confident (and earn more)
Mel previews the episode’s promise: small, research-backed behavior changes that make you appear more confident and influential. She frames the topic as especially useful for back-to-school/back-to-work season and teases tactical tools for Zoom, interviews, promotions, and selling.
- •Charisma and nonverbal cues as practical “hacks” you can apply immediately
- •What you’ll learn: first-10-seconds Zoom behavior, interviews, promotions, second impressions, smiling, and more
- •Why this matters for income, influence, and everyday relationships
- •Episode positioned as a “bookmark-worthy” toolkit for work and life
- 4:31 – 7:40
Meet Vanessa Van Edwards and the core definition of charisma
Mel introduces Vanessa Van Edwards and asks what charisma is and why it matters. Vanessa defines charisma as learnable signals that help others trust you and rely on you—not a fixed personality trait.
- •Vanessa’s background: Science of People, communication/charisma research
- •Charisma as a top predictor of success in relationships and career
- •Charisma is learnable via specific cues (not innate)
- •The two outcomes charisma creates: “I can trust you” and “I can rely on you”
- 7:40 – 13:06
The warmth + competence formula (and why smart high achievers get overlooked)
Vanessa explains the foundational model: charisma is the balance of warmth and competence. She introduces Princeton research showing that without warmth, people discount competence—especially when high achievers “under-signal.”
- •Warmth signals: trust, friendliness, likability
- •Competence signals: capability, power, effectiveness
- •Under-signaling is common among intelligent/high-achieving people
- •Key insight: without warmth, others don’t believe your competence
- 13:06 – 17:47
Four charisma types: balancing the dial (Oprah vs. Steve Jobs)
The conversation maps people into segments based on warmth and competence, using recognizable examples. Vanessa shows how charismatic people ‘dial’ warmth or competence up and down depending on context.
- •High warmth + high competence = charismatic sweet spot
- •Oprah as a model: comfort + seriousness, adjusts by situation
- •Steve Jobs as high competence/low warmth example (can read as cold/intimidating)
- •Self-identification cues: intimidating, always ‘in charge,’ fact-checking, discomfort with emotions
- 17:47 – 20:24
The warm trap: people-pleasing, respect, and workplace outcomes
Vanessa describes highly warm people as empathetic supporters who may sacrifice respect to be liked. Mel highlights the workplace cost: being passed over when warmth isn’t balanced with competence.
- •Highly warm people prioritize being liked; risk people-pleasing
- •Warmth without competence can reduce perceived authority/respect
- •Competence without warmth can reduce likability/collaboration
- •Memorable reframes: ‘need to be liked’ vs. ‘need to be respected’
- 20:24 – 25:01
Charisma drives the ‘Three I’s’: influence, impact, income—and it’s contagious
Vanessa connects charisma to practical outcomes and explains emotional contagion. She uses lab findings (micro-expressions and labeling emotions) to show how we ‘catch’ others’ signals and why awareness matters.
- •Charisma affects influence, impact, and income
- •Warmth/competence cues are contagious—others mirror and respond
- •Fear micro-expression activates amygdala; labeling emotion reduces it
- •Nonverbal/vocal signals can pull people toward you or push them away
- 25:01 – 27:38
The Princeton ‘82%’ shocker and the blind spot problem
Mel and Vanessa unpack the statistic that warmth and competence drive most judgments people make about you. They emphasize this isn’t just in person—it applies to Zoom, email, Slack, and DMs—and that most people misjudge how they come across.
- •82% of evaluation is based on warmth + competence signals
- •Applies across channels: LinkedIn, Zoom, phone, email, messages
- •Judgment happens repeatedly, not only at first impression
- •Your cues teach the world how to treat you
- 27:38 – 33:02
How to measure your charisma: quiz, 360 feedback, and ‘coding’ your Zoom recording
Vanessa offers diagnostics to reveal how others perceive you. She recommends a charisma quiz plus a 360-style comparison and suggests recording a high-stakes Zoom call to ‘code’ your cues across words, body, voice, and environment.
- •Start with self-assessment: warmth vs. competence vs. under-signaling
- •Take the Science of People charisma test; then have others take it ‘as you’
- •Different personas may show up at home vs. work
- •‘Coding’ cues: verbal, nonverbal, vocal, and ornaments/background
- 33:02 – 37:24
First 10 seconds on Zoom: hands visible, camera distance, and no uptalk
Vanessa breaks down the first-10-seconds checklist that shapes perceived warmth and competence. She explains why visible hands reduce threat perception, why camera proximity signals intimacy, and why ‘uptalk’ triggers scrutiny and doubt.
- •Show hands immediately (wave/visible hands reduce amygdala threat response)
- •Keep camera ~18 inches away to avoid accidental ‘intimate zone’ pressure
- •Avoid question inflection/uptalk on key statements (especially name/price/ask)
- •First 10 seconds set the tone for the entire interaction
- 37:24 – 44:01
Vocal power research: why tone predicts trust (the malpractice lawsuit study)
Vanessa shares a striking study where doctors’ warmth/competence ratings—based only on warped voice tone—correlated with malpractice lawsuits. The lesson: how you sound can override what you say and can materially affect outcomes in sales, salary talks, and authority.
- •Warbled audio removed words but preserved tone; participants rated warmth/competence
- •Lowest-rated doctors had highest malpractice lawsuit rates
- •Uptalk shifts listeners from ‘listening’ to ‘scrutinizing’
- •Asking your price sounds like permission-seeking and invites negotiation
- 44:01 – 47:46
Fixing uptalk fast: breathe, pause, and speak on the out-breath
Vanessa coaches a simple technique to lower pitch and reduce nervousness-driven uptalk. The practice contrasts speaking at the top of your breath versus delivering words on the out-breath with downward inflection.
- •Women tend to use uptalk more due to socialized warmth/likability cues
- •Three inflections: uptalk, neutral, downward (commanding)
- •Nerves raise vocal tension; speaking high signals uncertainty
- •Technique: inhale, then speak ‘hello’ on the out-breath with a grounded tone
- 47:46 – 51:59
Purposeful gestures = competence: what viral TED Talks do differently
Vanessa explains how gestures drive perceived credibility and memorability. Using a TED Talk analysis, she shows that more (and more congruent) gestures correlate with higher engagement, and mismatched gestures create an ‘inauthentic’ feeling.
- •Most viral TED Talks used far more gestures than least popular talks
- •Gestures should match the concept (big idea = big gesture)
- •Incongruence triggers distrust; the brain believes gestures over words
- •Simple competence cue: demonstrate numbers/structure with your hands
- 51:59 – 58:55
Warmth without fake smiles: real smiles, triple nods, head tilts, and vocalizations
Vanessa warns against fake smiling and teaches alternative warmth cues that feel natural—especially for introverts. She details what a real smile looks like and how nods, head tilts, and small listening sounds signal warmth and invite others to open up.
- •Fake smile vs. real smile: real activates upper cheeks/crow’s feet; fake stays low-face
- •Advice shift: ‘smile purposefully,’ not ‘smile more’
- •Warm cues: slow triple nod (can make others talk ~67% longer), head tilt
- •Vocal warmth: ‘mm-hmm,’ ‘oh,’ ‘wow’ as “surround sound listening”
- 58:55 – 1:03:41
Competence cues beyond voice: eye contact, looking away to think, and lie myths
Vanessa reframes eye contact as purposeful rather than constant, explaining oxytocin and why looking away helps cognition. She also busts common lie-detection myths (like looking up-left) and encourages people to learn their own ‘leaks.’
- •Mutual gaze can produce oxytocin; helps trust and openness
- •100% eye contact is territorial and counterproductive
- •Looking away supports recall/processing; can increase credibility when thinking
- •Myth-busting: looking up-left/right doesn’t mean lying
- 1:03:41 – 1:13:10
Nervous and lying tells: self-awareness drills, Zoom cues, and respectful check-ins
Vanessa offers a three-step exercise to discover your truthful recall cues, nervous tells, and lying tells. She lists common nervous behaviors, explains why clusters matter, and models how to address concerns without a ‘gotcha’ approach.
- •Exercise: breakfast recall (truth baseline), embarrassing story (nervous baseline), made-up story (lying baseline)
- •Common nervous cues: face/stomach touches, purposeless fidgeting, awkward pauses
- •Lying red flag example: nose touch (but never use a single cue alone)
- •Use cues to check in compassionately (‘Are we good?’) rather than accuse
- 1:13:10 – 1:42:04
Advanced applications: Zoom presence, warm words on video, email charisma, dating, and handling disrespect
In rapid-fire mode, Vanessa adds practical tactics for different contexts: leaning in on Zoom, using ‘warm’ words to replace physical connection, breaking email scripts, reading dating interest via touch, and responding to disrespect with warmth + direct honesty.
- •Zoom: purposeful lean signals attention and boosts motivation
- •Virtual warmth: words like hug/high-five/handshake can trigger physiological connection
- •Email: break autopilot scripts; use warm + competent words to shape behavior (collaborate, goals, onward)
- •Dating: more touch and closer zones suggest interest; higher arm/torso touch = more intimacy
- •Disrespect: don’t go offensive/defensive; ‘gift’ warmth/competence, then use radical transparency and emotion-labeling
