The Mel Robbins Podcast

Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — This episode will change the way you think about every relationship in your life. Today, Harvard’s Dr. Stuart Ablon is distilling 30 years of behavior change research into one hour. Dr. Ablon is the Founder and Director of Think: Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital, which focuses on Collaborative Problem Solving. An award-winning psychologist, Dr. Ablon is also a professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. After listening, you will have a completely new approach to dealing with difficult people, challenging kids, and family members. In this candid and relatable conversation, Mel and Dr. Ablon bust through the most common parenting myths and offers a simple 3 step approach for transforming even the most frustrating dynamics. This episode isn’t just about solving conflicts; it’s about creating a deeper understanding of others and fostering lasting change. Whether you're a parent, partner, or simply navigating life’s challenges, this conversation is for you. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-244 Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 0:00: Introduction 3:30: If someone’s behavior is driving you crazy, this simple shift will provide patience 6:47: The most powerful way to help anyone change their behavior 15:14: This story will completely change how you think about helping others 21:40: 5 ways to communicate better in your relationships to avoid chaos 37:58: How to motivate people in your life to take positive action 47:14: 3 powerful strategies to handle any challenging behavior 56:51: How to positively transform any relationship in your life 58:43: How to practice true empathy with the people that you love 1:05:50: 3 ways to connect with someone in your life who is struggling 1:14:09: The truth behind why young adults are struggling now more than ever 1:20:38: What every parent should know about generational trauma (and how to break it) 1:24:10: Show yourself empathy; you’re doing the best you can — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Stuart Ablonguest

Dec 16, 20241h 26mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Six Words To Transform Conflict: People Do Well If They Can

Harvard psychologist Dr. Stuart Ablon explains that most "difficult" behavior is not about a lack of motivation, but a lack of skills in five key areas like communication, flexibility, and emotional regulation.
His core philosophy, "People do well if they can," reframes conflict from a willpower or discipline problem into a skills and support problem, whether with kids, partners, coworkers, or struggling adult children.
Ablon outlines three response options—impose your will (Plan A), collaborate (Plan B), or temporarily drop it (Plan C)—and shows why collaborative problem solving, built on genuine empathy, is both more effective and less damaging than rewards and punishments.
Using concrete examples from homes, schools, prisons, and families dealing with depression, addiction, and social media overuse, he demonstrates how empathy-led collaboration reduces conflict, builds skills, and can even break intergenerational patterns.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Reframe all challenging behavior as a skills problem, not a motivation problem.

Adopting “People do well if they can” forces you to ask, “What skills or conditions are missing?” instead of assuming laziness, defiance, or lack of caring—and it immediately shifts you out of blame and into problem-solving.

Look for delays in five key skill areas behind problem behavior.

Struggles usually reflect lagging skills in language/communication, attention and working memory, emotion/impulse regulation, cognitive flexibility, and social thinking; identifying where someone is weak explains their behavior and points to what needs building.

Stop overusing rewards and punishments; they often backfire and harm.

External motivators can reduce internal motivation and damage self-esteem by sending the message, “You’re not trying hard enough,” especially when the real issue is skill, not will—leading to more resistance and worse behavior over time.

Consciously choose among Plan A, B, and C for each specific problem.

For any recurring situation, you can impose your will (Plan A), collaborate (Plan B), or temporarily drop the expectation (Plan C); making that choice deliberately—rather than reacting—keeps you strategic instead of escalatory.

Use Plan B’s three steps: empathize, share your concern, then jointly solve.

First get their perspective fully on the table (empathy), then calmly share your own concern (not your solution), and only then invite brainstorming for mutually satisfactory solutions—this both calms the situation and trains problem-solving skills.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

People do well if they can.

— Dr. Stuart Ablon

If that person could do well, they would do well, and if they’re not, something else is getting in their way.

— Dr. Stuart Ablon

Challenging behavior is still tragically misunderstood and mistreated—and it doesn’t have to be that way.

— Dr. Stuart Ablon

If you give a dog a name, eventually they’ll answer to it.

— Dr. Stuart Ablon (quoting his grandfather)

It’s not your child’s job to help you understand them. It’s your job to figure out who they are.

— Mel Robbins (paraphrasing a parenting insight she learned)

Core mindset shift: “People do well if they can” versus “if they want to”Skills versus willpower in challenging behavior (five neurocognitive skill areas)Harms and limits of rewards, punishments, and traditional disciplineThree plans for handling problems: Plan A, Plan B, and Plan CStep-by-step collaborative problem solving grounded in empathyImpact of trauma, stress, and social media on behavior and developmentParenting, launching young adults, and breaking generational cycles

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