The Mel Robbins PodcastHow to Read Body Language to Get What You Want: 6 Simple Psychological Tricks to Be More Confident
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 4:43
High achievers take “communication shortcuts” (and avoid burnout-by-busyness)
Mel introduces Vanessa Van Edwards and frames the episode around research-backed behaviors that increase influence, confidence, and success. Vanessa distinguishes high achievement from burnout, arguing that effectiveness comes from stretching your comfort zone—not overloading your schedule.
- •High achievers use repeatable communication patterns instead of brute-force effort
- •Burnout and busyness are not markers of success
- •Effective people enjoy both the process and the outcome
- •Success includes being clear on who you are and communicating it
- 4:43 – 8:02
Be assertive with your energy: social energy vs. work energy
Vanessa breaks down two distinct energy buckets—social energy and work energy—and explains why most driven people mismanage them. She encourages mapping what drains vs. charges you so you can protect energy proactively.
- •Two energy types: social interactions vs. task execution
- •Common mistake: only planning tasks, ignoring social energy costs
- •Identify interactions that recharge vs. drain (e.g., deep talk vs. small talk)
- •High performers say no (or “box”) draining commitments
- 8:02 – 12:03
Ambivalent relationships are the real energy vampires
Vanessa explains that the most toxic relationships aren’t the obviously bad ones, but the uncertain “question mark” ones that run in the background. She offers a simple starring/minus/question-mark exercise to audit your relationships.
- •Ambivalence drains more than clearly good or clearly bad relationships
- •“Heck yeah” vs. “yeah/kind of” as a decision filter
- •Relationship audit: star (energizing), minus (dread), question mark (unclear)
- •Pause question-mark relationships and see if you actually miss them
- 12:03 – 13:22
The Pygmalion Effect: use labels to raise performance in yourself and others
Vanessa introduces the Pygmalion effect: expectations can shape outcomes. High performers use positive labels and acknowledgments to set standards and bring out better behavior in teams and relationships.
- •Expectations (labels) can become self-fulfilling
- •Use specific praise: “You’re great at X” to reinforce identity
- •Labels work for self-talk and for managing others
- •Clarity and encouragement increase follow-through and morale
- 13:22 – 17:49
Likability secret: the most popular people like the most people
Using a high school popularity study, Vanessa shows likability is less about being impressive and more about actively liking others. She advocates “micro-moments” of warmth—especially names and genuine acknowledgment.
- •Most liked students had the longest list of people they liked
- •Likability is something you can practice and control
- •Micro-acknowledgments build social capital (especially using names)
- •Adults often “play it cool”; being the “first liker” builds connection
- 17:49 – 20:21
Don’t fake it—use real warmth (or “fake with hope”)
Mel challenges the idea of ‘aggressively liking’ others: what if it’s forced? Vanessa shares research on authentic vs. fake smiles and offers a practical middle ground—politeness with sincere hope for improvement.
- •Authentic emotion is contagious; fake emotion is less impactful
- •Fake doesn’t necessarily harm—it just doesn’t uplift
- •“Fake with hope”: stay civil while looking for genuine common ground
- •Don’t perform affection; build real rapport where possible
- 20:21 – 23:10
Why mistakes make you more likable (vulnerability builds trust)
Vanessa explains research showing that small mistakes can increase likability because they signal humanity and reduce suspicion. She gives examples of light vulnerability that creates instant social ease.
- •Misconception: likability requires perfection or constant impressing
- •Study: demonstrator who spills a smoothie is rated more likable
- •Mistakes signal authenticity; perfection can feel like a façade
- •Use small vulnerability prompts (“My feet hurt—yours?”) to connect
- 23:10 – 25:59
Read the room with toes—and claim space without “dominance theater”
After the break, Vanessa teaches how to spot influence in groups by tracking toe direction and space-claiming behaviors. She clarifies that confidence cues can be subtle and socially appropriate, not exaggerated power posing.
- •Toes often reveal who people are attuned to (boss, crush, exit)
- •Influential people tend to claim space physically
- •Winning ‘pride pose’ patterns are consistent across athletes
- •Confidence can be conveyed without loud, attention-grabbing gestures
- 25:59 – 31:57
Instant confidence cue: increase ear-to-shoulder distance (and fix phone posture)
Vanessa demonstrates how hunched shoulders shrink presence, weaken the voice, and trigger an “awkward loop.” She gives a concrete fix—shoulders down/back—and a practical habit: check your phone ‘up and out’ to avoid default defeat posture.
- •Key metric: maximize earlobe-to-shoulder distance
- •Turtling posture signals threat and increases stress responses
- •Closed posture reduces oxygen and vocal power; can induce vocal fry
- •Habit change: hold phone ‘up and out,’ especially before important moments
- 31:57 – 35:49
Arms, chairs, and facing people: open posture and the swivel advantage
Vanessa shifts to arm positioning and explains why closed arms and pinned elbows cue anxiety and defensiveness. She recommends armrests and swivel chairs to create openness, breathing room, and respectful body orientation in meetings.
- •Second metric: distance between torso and arms (avoid protective ‘hug’ posture)
- •Closed body language correlates with saying “no” more often
- •Use chairs with armrests to naturally widen posture
- •Swivel toward the speaker to show alignment and respect
- 35:49 – 40:49
Hand charisma and why we trust gestures more than words
Vanessa teaches two high-impact hand behaviors: the ‘steeple’ (calm confidence) and hand-rubbing (cueing excitement). She explains gesture-word alignment and why the brain believes hands over speech when there’s a mismatch.
- •Most charismatic hand gesture: the steeple (fingertips together, palms apart)
- •Avoid ‘evil drumming’ finger tapping; keep hands calm and intentional
- •Hand-rubbing can signal anticipation/excitement before sharing something good
- •Gestures carry more weight than words; mismatches feel like deception
- 40:49 – 45:39
Vocal fry fix + word priming: one word can change behavior
Vanessa covers vocal presence (especially eliminating vocal fry with volume) and then pivots to verbal influence. Through classic studies, she shows that labels and context words (e.g., “Wall Street” vs. “community”) shift behavior and generosity.
- •Vocal fry is reduced by speaking louder (and staying vocally grounded)
- •Influence includes nonverbal, vocal, and verbal channels
- •Study: ‘Wall Street game’ vs. ‘community game’ drastically changes sharing
- •Use purposeful language in calendar invites and subject lines to prime outcomes
- 45:39 – 49:42
Motivating language for teams and yourself (calendar labels, alarms, self-talk)
Vanessa expands on achievement-oriented words—like win, master, success—and how they increase effort and enjoyment. She applies the idea to personal motivation by renaming calendar blocks and alarms to prime the mindset you want.
- •Achievement words improve performance, time-on-task, and enjoyment
- •Sterile instructions and generic invites keep people on autopilot
- •Rename your own blocks: ‘Winning Morning’ vs. ‘Writing Block’
- •Use cues to ‘gift’ motivation and break autopilot repeatedly throughout the day
- 49:42 – 55:11
Better conversation starters: break autopilot and avoid ‘What’s your story?’
Vanessa explains why common small-talk questions trigger shallow, repetitive answers. She offers higher-quality prompts and shares speed-networking data showing ‘What’s your story?’ polarizes people—especially introverts and ambiverts.
- •Autopilot openers (“How are you?” “Busy?” “What do you do?”) stall connection
- •Replacements: “What’s good?” “Highlight of your week?” “Working on anything exciting?”
- •‘What do you do?’ can feel like ‘What are you worth?’
- •Research: ‘What’s your story?’ is loved by extroverts, hated by introverts/ambiverts
- 55:11 – 1:03:02
Environment is contagious: sit near high performers, avoid low performers, choose the right spot at events
Vanessa shares research that proximity affects performance and motivation, then layers in emotional contagion—including fear. She closes with tactical networking advice: avoid the entrance ‘start zone’ and stand where people are ready to connect (like exiting the bar) or within the host’s eyeline.
- •Sitting within 25 feet of a high performer can boost performance; low performers can drag it down
- •Fear and stress can be contagious (even via subtle cues)
- •Networking mistake: hovering at the entrance produces the shortest conversations
- •Best spot: where people exit the bar/drink line; also stay in the host’s line of sight
- 1:03:02 – 1:14:10
Alphabet Work (A/B/C/D): the productivity game that reshapes your schedule
Vanessa introduces a four-column exercise to classify tasks and relationships by strength and energy impact. The goal is to protect ‘A work,’ reduce ‘B work,’ and delegate or batch ‘C/D work’ so you avoid burnout and work in your zone of excellence.
- •A work: exceptional, energizing, flow-inducing; protect it fiercely
- •B work: you’re good but not great—where smart people get stuck
- •C work: average and slightly embarrassing; D work: bad/draining
- •Strategy: optimize A, level up B, and give away/batch C & D (including ‘D-work day’)
- 1:14:10 – 1:17:37
Evenings, goals, and the ‘quest’: pause, enjoy the means, and build meaning
In the closing stretch, Vanessa recommends an end-of-day pause to reflect on energy and choices. She reframes goal-setting away from ‘if-then happiness’ toward enjoying the process, and argues that having a personal ‘quest’ creates meaning and sustained motivation.
- •End-of-day pause builds awareness of what fueled vs. drained you
- •Avoid ‘if-then’ goals that delay happiness and drive burnout
- •Design goals so the process is enjoyable (means + ends)
- •Everyone benefits from a ‘quest’—big or small—to create meaning
- 1:17:37 – 1:20:21
Final encouragement: you’re trying hard enough—redirect effort, reclaim energy
Vanessa ends with reassurance for burned-out listeners: the issue often isn’t effort but strategy. Mel reinforces reclaiming time from ambivalence and using these cues to take up space, communicate clearly, and build a better life.
- •Burnout doesn’t mean you’re failing—it may mean you’re trying too hard the wrong way
- •Say no to what drains you (and let others own their A work)
- •Take back what gives you energy and reinforces your strengths
- •Reinvest time into people and tasks that are ‘heck yes’
