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How to Read Body Language to Get What You Want: 6 Simple Psychological Tricks to Be More Confident

Do you want to know how to talk to anyone with ease and confidence? In this episode, you will learn science-backed psychological tricks to be more successful, charismatic, and influential today. Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of The Science of People (@Vvanedwards a behavior lab that studies high achievers and the science of confidence and body language. Her research proves that anyone can learn these practical skills and become a more successful person by using the same simple habits that almost every high achiever has. Whether you want to be a better leader, land your dream job, achieve big goals, or align your life with what you want, this is the episode for you. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: http://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-167 Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Intro 04:47: The shortcuts high achievers take to communicate effectively. 05:32: The mistake most people make when working on their goals. 08:08: These relationships are the most toxic ones. 13:34: What makes some kids more popular than others will surprise you. 15:41:How to make your friendships stronger. 20:29: People who make mistakes are more likable. 24:47: How your toes give you away when you’re in a group. 26:13: Do this when you walk into a room to appear more confident. 34:23: Why your office chair should have arm rests and swivel. 39:12: Here’s why you are more likely to believe gestures than words. 42:21: How to stop using vocal fry or get someone else to stop doing it. 44:07: Use these words to set your team up for success. 49:11: What to add to your calendar every day to keep you motivated. 51:08: What are the best conversation starters? 56:53: How other people’s fear is contagious. 1:01:12: The worst place to stand in a room when you’re at a party. 1:04:53: How to figure out what you’re really good at. 1:14:41: What do highly effective people do at the end of the day? #confidence #confident #bodylanguage — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Vanessa Van EdwardsguestMel Robbinshost
Apr 25, 20241h 20mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Use Body Language And Energy Management To Boost Influence And Success

  1. Mel Robbins interviews behavioral researcher Vanessa Van Edwards about how high achievers use body language, communication, and energy management to be more confident and effective.
  2. Vanessa explains the difference between work energy and social energy, the danger of ambivalent tasks and relationships, and how to deliberately design your day around what fuels you instead of what drains you.
  3. They break down specific, research-backed nonverbal cues (posture, hands, seating, room position) and verbal patterns (better questions, priming words, labels) that instantly change how others perceive and respond to you.
  4. The conversation ends with a practical A–B–C–D task audit to focus on your highest-value work, plus guidance on goals, quests, and preventing burnout while still achieving at a high level.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Treat work energy and social energy as separate resources you must manage.

Most people only plan their tasks and ignore how social interactions affect their energy. High achievers deliberately seek out people and interactions that recharge them and minimize or contain those that deplete them.

Eliminate ambivalent tasks and relationships to reclaim hidden energy.

“Question mark” people and so-so tasks drain you more than clearly good or clearly bad ones. Make lists of people and activities you love, dread, and feel neutral about—and pause or reduce the neutral ones to create space for what truly energizes you.

Use confident body language loops: shoulders down, chest open, arms uncrossed, hands visible.

Maximize distance between ears and shoulders, keep your chest open and arms slightly away from your torso, and avoid hunching over your phone or crossing your arms. These cues make you feel safer and more powerful while signaling confidence and competence to others.

Make your hands work for you: steeple and visible, purposeful gestures.

A relaxed steeple (fingertips lightly touching, palms apart) conveys calm authority; visible, congruent gestures (e.g., showing size when you say “big idea”) increase trust because people subconsciously believe your hands more than your words.

Prime yourself and others with achievement-oriented and collaborative language.

Single words like “win,” “master,” “success,” or “community” change behavior and motivation. Rename calendar events (e.g., “Collaborative Session,” “Creative Sprint,” “Power-Through Day”) and phone alarms to cue the mindset and behavior you want instead of sterile labels like “Meeting” or “Follow-up.”

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

Burnout is not a sign of success. Busyness and burnout are not badges of honor.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

You want to maximize the distance between your ear and your shoulder pretty much at all times.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

Ambivalent relationships are actually the hardest. You have to say no to the bad to make room for the right.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

We are in control of our likability. If we find ways to like more people, we become more likable.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

You are working enough, you are good enough, you just have to try something a little different.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

Difference between high achievement and burnout; managing work and social energyAmbivalent tasks and relationships as hidden drains on performance and wellbeingBody language for confidence, power, and likability (posture, arms, hands, seating)Using language, labels, and priming (Pygmalion effect, achievement words, better invites)Likability, vulnerability, and how to authentically “like first”Conversation skills: breaking autopilot, better questions, and introvert-safe approachesProductivity framework (A–B–C–D work), goal-setting, and having a “quest”

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