The Mel Robbins Podcast

Mindset Flip: Getting Real About Your Relationship With Alcohol | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — Today on the podcast, you and I are having a deeply personal and eye-opening conversation about #alcohol and your relationship to it. Rachel Hart is a best-selling author and master #coach who has helped thousands of people re-examine their relationship with alcohol, and that’s exactly what she is going to help you do today. Rachel knows the surprising reason you (and I) crave a #drink (or have the urge to shop, vape, play video games, scroll on social media, or want something sweet). She’ll also explain that weird cycle of emotions you experience after #drinking. Did I drink too much last night? Did I do anything I regret? Should I stop drinking altogether? Should I detox this week before the wedding next weekend? How do I drink less? Maybe it’s time I stopped altogether. You’ll learn that this agitation and conflict about alcohol are normal. The question is, How do you change it? Rachel says, by examining the desires underneath the urge. Today, Rachel will help you unpack urges and desires and teach you why boundaries go right out the window when you feel an urge. Today you’ll learn: - What your drinking might really be all about (it’s not what you think) - Why feeling conflicted about drinking is normal - Where do urges really come from, and how do you ignore them? - How your first experience with alcohol impacts your relationship with it - What your desires are trying to tell you - How to ditch the shame once and for all - The complicated messaging around alcohol - The 30-day plan Rachel uses with all her clients Not sure if you have a problem with alcohol? Worried about someone else who does? You're not ready to quit alcohol all together, but you wish you’d not reach for the glass of wine most nights. Wonder if maybe you should stop? Perfect. Listen in. You can change your relationship with alcohol. After this episode, you’ll know how. Xo, Mel In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:24 Why is your relationship with alcohol so confusing? 09:12 The shame cycle I go through every time I drink 14:56 Has drinking become your way of belonging in a social setting? 18:15 You are creating boundaries that justify your cravings and urges. 22:02 What your urges and cravings are trying to communicate to you 29:35 Tool #1: Name the urge when it’s happening. 36:34 Tool #2: Change your phone wallpaper to this 40:32 Stop looking for answers from others. You have an inner knowing of what’s best for you. 49:39 Tool #3: Ask yourself, If you couldn’t drink for the rest of your life, what would it feel like? 56:30 Disappointment when you give up your urges is normal. 59:35 How to stop drinking without stopping drinking 1:02:25 The difference between your upper and lower brain and what you need to know 1:08:14 Learning how to change means having a different relationship with commitment. 1:17:13 Tool #4: Establish your "why" — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostRachel Hartguest

Jul 17, 20231h 28mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Rewriting Drinking Habits: Understanding Urges, Desire, And Inner Conflict

Mel Robbins and coach Rachel Hart unpack Mel’s conflicted relationship with alcohol as a doorway into understanding urges, desire, and self-judgment. They reframe drinking not as a simple willpower issue, but as a learned response to deeper needs like belonging, relief, boundaries, and celebration. Rachel explains the roles of the “lower brain” (immediate gratification) and “higher brain” (long-term values) and how internal conflict between them often drives us to drink just to stop the argument in our heads. The conversation offers a practical, non-shaming approach—using a 30‑day ‘tools-first’ experiment—to change your relationship with alcohol or any other compulsive behavior by learning to feel and interpret urges instead of obeying or fighting them.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Treat urges as data, not evidence that you’re broken.

Instead of panicking when you want a drink, notice the urge and name it—“I’m having an urge right now”—so your higher brain comes online. This lets you ask what the urge is really about (belonging, rest, comfort, reward) instead of assuming it proves you have a defective brain or a ‘problem’ identity.

Look beneath the drink to the deeper need it represents.

Alcohol often stands in for things like connection (the red Solo cup at age 14), a boundary (“I’m off the clock now”), celebration, or a dopamine hit. When you identify the underlying desire, you can explore healthier ways to meet that need instead of making the alcohol itself the whole story.

Understand your “lower brain” so you can use your “higher brain.”

The lower brain wants immediate pleasure, comfort, and efficiency; it remembers, “Sunset = cocktail” or “bad news = numbing.” The higher brain cares about your long-term goals and values. Learning to see urges as your lower brain doing its job allows your higher brain to step in, tolerate discomfort, and choose differently.

Internal conflict, not alcohol itself, often drives the behavior.

Many people drink not just for the buzz, but to silence the war in their heads—“I said I wouldn’t,” versus “I deserve it.” Recognizing that you may be using alcohol to end that internal argument helps you focus on making conflict tolerable rather than endlessly trying to “fix” the drink.

Shift from “I can’t have it” to “I’m choosing not to.”

Telling yourself you “can’t” triggers rebellion and resentment, especially if you hate being told what to do. Reframing it as a choice—“I’m choosing not to drink tonight because…”—reduces the urge to rebel and reinforces your agency and self-respect.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

I don’t know why I’m so conflicted about it. I literally argue for it and against it every single time I use it.

— Mel Robbins

Maybe this urge actually is kind of trying to tell me something useful… something that you need, something that you want, that maybe has nothing to do with alcohol.

— Rachel Hart

Alcohol becomes a boundary. ‘I’ve poured the drink, I am off the clock.’

— Rachel Hart

You can’t get awareness just by being perfect.

— Rachel Hart

I really profoundly believe I do not have an issue with alcohol. I believe I have a major issue with the desire that’s driven by a boundary between work and relaxing and the desire to join in and belong.

— Mel Robbins

Mel’s conflicted, shame-filled internal dialogue about drinkingAlcohol as a symbol for belonging, boundaries, pleasure, and celebrationThe neuroscience frame: higher brain vs. lower brain and learned associationsUrges and desire as sources of information rather than proof of a “problem”Managing internal conflict, self-talk, and all-or-nothing thinking about commitmentA tools-based 30-day break from alcohol focused on learning, not perfectionApplying the same framework to food, spending, social media, and other habits

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