The Mel Robbins PodcastPSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Boost Your Influence, Income, and Impact TODAY! | The Mel Robbins Podcast
CHAPTERS
- 0:03 – 3:05
The “It Factor” is learnable: why charisma drives influence, impact, and income
Mel frames the episode around “the it factor,” redefining it as charisma—and emphasizing that it’s a set of learnable behaviors. She sets the stakes with research suggesting charisma heavily shapes how others perceive and reward you.
- •Charisma as the real-world “it factor” behind trust and attention
- •Why charisma affects influence, income, and professional opportunity
- •The promise: charisma can be hacked with simple, research-backed behaviors
- •Preview of body language + communication tools you can apply immediately
- 3:05 – 3:21
Meet Vanessa Van Edwards: charisma researcher and “recovering awkward person”
Mel introduces Vanessa Van Edwards and her work at Science of People. Vanessa shares her personal motivation: charisma didn’t come naturally, which led her to study the specific cues behind it.
- •Vanessa’s background (Science of People, Captivate, Cues)
- •Her experience with awkwardness and overthinking
- •The myth that charisma requires extroversion or “bubbly” personality
- •Charisma as a skill anyone can develop
- 3:21 – 11:20
What charisma actually is: the warmth + competence balance
Vanessa defines charisma as consistently signaling a balance of warmth (trust/likability) and competence (capability/power). The core outcome: people feel they can trust you and rely on you.
- •Charisma = warmth + competence, displayed through cues
- •The two questions people subconsciously ask: ‘Can I trust you?’ and ‘Can I rely on you?’
- •Why under-signaling hurts high achievers (smarts don’t ‘speak for themselves’)
- •Without warmth, people discount competence (Princeton/Fiske framework)
- 11:20 – 19:08
Four charisma profiles: too warm, too competent, balanced, or under-signaling
The conversation breaks down common imbalances: people who over-index on competence can seem cold, while overly warm people can be liked but not respected. Vanessa uses public figures to illustrate how the “dial” works in different contexts.
- •The ‘dial’ concept: adjust warmth/competence by situation
- •Oprah as high warmth + high competence (and why it works)
- •Steve Jobs as high competence/low warmth and the social cost
- •People-pleasing vs. intimidation: how each undermines outcomes
- 19:08 – 26:22
Why charisma spreads: contagious cues, micro-expressions, and emotional labeling
Vanessa explains charisma as contagious—people ‘catch’ others’ emotional signals. She shares research on fear micro-expressions and how simply labeling an emotion can deactivate fear responses, highlighting why cue-awareness matters.
- •Charisma and emotional states are contagious in groups
- •Fear micro-expression and amygdala activation (Lieberman/UCLA)
- •Labeling emotions reduces reactivity and helps regain control
- •Negative cues (anxiety/awkwardness) repel; clear warm/competent cues attract
- 26:22 – 31:46
Find your charisma blind spots: the quiz, 360 feedback, and recording yourself
Vanessa provides practical diagnostics to reveal how you come across versus how you think you do. She recommends taking a charisma assessment, getting others to take it “as you,” and reviewing recorded Zoom calls to code your cues.
- •Self-assess: where do you fall on warmth/competence?
- •Scienceofpeople.com/charisma quiz and why to retake it over time
- •A ‘360 review’: have friends/partners/colleagues take it as you
- •Record + ‘code’ key calls to spot patterns across verbal, nonverbal, vocal, and ornaments
- 31:46 – 42:44
The first 10 seconds on camera: hands, distance, and killing ‘uptalk’
Vanessa details what to do immediately on Zoom or in-person to project warmth and competence. The biggest wins: show your hands, keep the right camera distance, and avoid question-inflection that makes you sound unsure.
- •Show hands early to reduce threat processing and boost warmth
- •Camera distance: at least ~18 inches to avoid unwanted ‘intimacy’ cues
- •Uptalk (question inflection) undermines competence—especially in negotiations
- •Voice-tone study: vocal warmth/competence predicts malpractice lawsuit rates
- 42:44 – 46:29
Sound more competent: breathe, pause, and use downward inflection
The discussion turns into a mini voice-coaching session. Vanessa teaches how to stop speaking at the top of your breath and instead speak on the out-breath to access a calmer, more authoritative tone.
- •Three inflections: up, neutral, downward (most commanding)
- •Why nerves spike vocal pitch in the first 10 seconds
- •Technique: inhale, then speak on the out-breath to relax vocal cords
- •Practical exercise: compare ‘high-range hello’ vs. ‘downward hello’
- 46:29 – 50:40
Gesture like a TED speaker: purposeful, congruent hand movements
Vanessa shares research from analyzing thousands of TED Talks: viral talks use far more gestures. She explains how gestures boost credibility when they match your message—and create distrust when they don’t.
- •TED Talk analysis: popular talks average far more gestures
- •Gestures act as ‘truth-telling’—brains often believe the gesture over the word
- •Avoid incongruence (saying ‘big’ while gesturing ‘small’)
- •Use explanatory gestures (numbers, size, contrast) to make ideas memorable
- 50:40 – 57:39
Introvert pitfalls: fake smiles and low warmth signaling—use better warmth cues
Vanessa explains why fake smiles backfire and how introverts can signal warmth without forcing constant smiling. She introduces alternative warmth cues that are easy, subtle, and highly effective.
- •Fake smiles create incongruence and don’t spread positive mood
- •Real smiles activate upper cheeks/crow’s feet; fake smiles stay in the lower face
- •Warmth alternatives: slow triple nod, head tilt, and vocal ‘listening’ sounds
- •LinkedIn/dating photos: choose real smile, neutral, or ‘sexy’—not fake happy
- 57:39 – 1:08:20
Competence cues without the eye-contact myth: oxytocin, purposeful gaze, and truth signals
Vanessa redefines eye contact as a tool for connection—not a constant rule. She explains why looking away can signal thinking and competence, and she introduces the idea of learning your own ‘lying tells’ to avoid accidental inauthenticity cues.
- •Mutual gaze can trigger oxytocin (connection chemical), even on screens
- •Avoid 100% eye contact—too much can feel territorial or unnatural
- •Looking away helps recall and cognitive processing (not a lie sign)
- •Know your personal lying/nervous tells to prevent ‘leaks’ when anxious
- 1:08:20 – 1:11:53
Nervousness and deception signals: clusters, top tells, and how to respond ethically
Vanessa lists the most common visible signs of nervousness and emphasizes that a single cue rarely means anything. She recommends looking for clusters, then responding with supportive check-ins rather than ‘gotcha’ callouts.
- •Top nervous signs: face/hand/stomach touching, purposeless gestures, awkward pauses
- •Why cues must be read in clusters (3+ signals) rather than one-off behaviors
- •Examples of deception-linked behaviors (e.g., nose touching) and confounds like allergies
- •How to address nervousness: ask clarifying questions or follow up privately
- 1:11:53 – 1:21:26
Charisma on Zoom: leans, warm phrases, and virtual ‘touch’ words
In a rapid-fire segment, Vanessa gives Zoom-specific charisma boosters. She explains how leaning in improves engagement and how warm, touch-related words can create measurable physiological connection even without physical contact.
- •The ‘lean’ cue: signals attention, boosts listener motivation, and highlights key points
- •Use leans strategically as both listener and speaker to ‘bold’ important moments
- •Warm verbal cues: ‘virtual high five,’ ‘digital hug,’ ‘warm wave’ trigger response
- •Introvert-friendly influence: be heard without being loud using warmth words
- 1:21:26 – 1:30:20
Charismatic email: break autopilot scripts and ‘gift’ the feeling you want
Vanessa explains how email charisma comes from disrupting boring social scripts and choosing words that shape how the reader thinks, feels, and behaves. She shares research that achievement-oriented words can boost performance and motivation.
- •Avoid autopilot subject lines (‘follow-up,’ ‘update’) that put brains to sleep
- •Use warm + competent words to prompt collaboration and action
- •Achievement words (‘win,’ ‘master,’ ‘achieve’) can increase performance and persistence
- •Email heuristic: ‘How do I want them to think, feel, and behave after reading?’
- 1:30:20 – 1:40:18
Handling disrespect with warmth + competence—and five silent respect cues
Vanessa outlines a two-step strategy for disrespect: first ‘gift’ warmth/competence to trigger reciprocity, then use direct transparency if needed. She closes with silent cues—especially useful for introverts—to command respect and deepen connection.
- •Don’t go offensive/defensive; lead with warmth + competence to shift dynamics
- •Radical transparency: name what you sense and state what you need
- •Silent cues: mirroring, eyebrow raises, nodding, head tilts, empathy mirroring
- •Introvert superpower: observation—match emotions to show attunement and presence
