Modern WisdomNavigating The Dating Market In 2020 | Amanda Kuda | Modern Wisdom Podcast 196
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 6:02
Dating sober: why alcohol-free dates reveal real compatibility
Amanda and Chris open by unpacking the idea that “true love in 2020” is finding someone you can date sober. They explore how alcohol often acts as a confidence crutch and can distort attraction, chemistry, and decision-making on dates.
- •Most people’s dating history is heavily “lubricated” by alcohol
- •Alcohol can mask whether you’re genuinely attracted or compatible
- •Sober/“alcohol-free” dating forces authentic confidence and presence
- •Dating without alcohol can be scary but becomes a long-term advantage
- 6:02 – 12:57
Alcohol, emotional regulation, and the hidden mindset behind drinking on dates
They go deeper into what drinking on dates can signal psychologically: a lack of self-worth or inability to emotionally regulate without external help. Amanda connects this to upbringing and how many people were never taught to process emotions directly.
- •Drinking can be an unconscious tool for avoiding fear, anxiety, or awkwardness
- •The ‘antithesis’ of drinking-for-confidence is ‘I can’t be confident on my own’
- •Many adults rely on alcohol because they weren’t taught emotional regulation
- •Clarifying: not all drinkers are ‘flawed,’ but habitual/unconscious use matters
- 12:57 – 18:11
The ex-inventory exercise: mapping patterns, red flags, and your ‘common denominator’
Amanda introduces a practical exercise: audit everyone you’ve dated and list their “yes” and “no” qualities to identify recurring patterns. The goal is to spot repeated red flags and then examine what in you is repeatedly choosing (or tolerating) them.
- •Create a ‘yes/no’ list for every significant past relationship
- •Identify recurring red flags and repeated ‘no’ traits
- •Use patterns to ask: ‘what in me attracted this five times?’
- •Shift from blaming partners to self-responsibility
- 18:11 – 24:09
Untangling unresolved attachments: romanticizing, resentment, and closure work
They discuss how lingering attraction or resentment toward an ex can shape future partner choices, sometimes leading to “replacements.” Amanda recommends aiming for neutral appreciation and doing inner closure work to release emotional hooks.
- •Unresolved attraction can lead to ‘recreating’ an ex in new partners
- •Strong hatred or idealization are both signs of unfinished business
- •Goal: reach neutral appreciation and integrate lessons learned
- •Using lists helps expose where you’re still stuck
- 24:09 – 31:24
Cord-cutting meditation and expanding beyond rigid ‘type’ fantasies
Amanda suggests a ‘cord-cutting’ meditation to release lingering bonds without contacting an ex. They also challenge overly prescriptive partner requirements, arguing that rigid “type” boxes limit serendipity and better matches.
- •Cord-cutting visualization/affirmations as a practical release tool
- •Your imagined ‘perfect type’ may be a narrow Hallmark fantasy
- •Allow creative ‘license’ for reality to surprise you
- •Familiar unhappiness can feel safer than unknown happiness
- 31:24 – 36:44
Dating apps with intention: schedule it, don’t dopamine-scroll it
The conversation shifts to practical modern dating strategy. Amanda argues dating apps behave like social media—rewarding mindless use—and recommends time-boxing and intentional “partner-search” sessions instead of boredom swiping.
- •Apps create an endorphin loop; mindless use yields mindless results
- •Set a daily window for swiping and messaging (treat it like a practice)
- •Pre-app reflection: remind yourself what you’re looking for
- •Intentionality improves outcomes regardless of the app (even Tinder)
- 36:44 – 39:28
Build a high-performing profile: photo rules, no filters, and clarity signals
Amanda lays out strong, specific profile-photo guidelines designed to reduce ambiguity and increase trust. The emphasis is on recent, clear face and body photos, minimal hiding (sunglasses/hat), and eliminating misleading filters or overly distant action shots.
- •No more than one photo obscuring your face (sunglasses/hat/far away)
- •No filters (especially common ‘flower crown’ style)
- •Use recent photos; include at least one clear full-body shot
- •Avoid confusing group shots where people can’t identify you
- •Limit action shots where you’re a tiny figure in gear far away
- 39:28 – 42:47
Effort and signaling: education, social proof, and ‘fake having friends’
Chris adds data and ‘conversion’ insights from prior discussions about app behavior (gender swipe rates and education signals). They discuss social proof in photos and why men often underperform by not investing effort into presentation.
- •Women swipe right far less often; men often swipe indiscriminately
- •Education credentials can improve match conversion rates (per cited stats)
- •Include some social-proof photos (group shot, ideally mixed company)
- •Avoid too many selfies; use timers/tripods to create better photos
- •Men can dramatically improve results by simply putting in effort
- 42:47 – 45:19
Message like a real person: ask questions, avoid passive ‘hi’ and canned GIFs
They critique low-effort openers like “hi,” likes, or overused GIFs, comparing them to awkward real-life approaches. Amanda emphasizes open-ended, profile-relevant questions that demonstrate attention and intention.
- •Passive openers make the other person do all the work
- •‘Hi’ and random likes/GIFs rarely create momentum
- •Use situational, relevant questions like you would in real life
- •Signal you read their profile and actually want a conversation
- 45:19 – 50:28
First three dates framework: walk dates, low-noise venues, and no ‘transaction’ vibes
Amanda proposes a “three meaningful dates” rule that prioritizes conversation and calm settings before high-stimulation activities. Walk dates are her top recommendation because movement reduces awkward silences and helps connection feel natural.
- •Treat early meetings as ‘meetups’ to assess friendship/fit
- •Avoid bars, concerts, movies, comedy shows early on (too loud/distracting)
- •Choose coffee, patios, or especially walk dates
- •If a quiet date feels ‘boring,’ you may be dating people you don’t enjoy
- 50:28 – 52:03
Post-date reflection and showing up with generosity (without over-investing)
They discuss the mindset of entering dates with openness and respect—treating the person as a potential partner rather than a burden. Amanda encourages reviewing what you liked/didn’t like afterward to refine your standards and learn quickly.
- •Go in believing ‘this could be my person’ (without fantasy escalation)
- •A resentful mindset toward apps/dating leaks into your behavior
- •After dates, review likes/dislikes to update your criteria
- •Use apps as low-stakes practice to build confidence and skill
- 52:03 – 55:19
Escaping the app ‘gutter’: move to WhatsApp quickly and use a repeatable handoff script
Chris argues that the platform shapes perception—staying on Tinder keeps interactions low-status and disposable. He recommends transitioning to direct messaging quickly with a prepared, scalable line to reduce friction and keep momentum.
- •Dating apps color the interaction; you stay ‘the Tinder person’
- •Move promising matches off-app fast (e.g., WhatsApp)
- •Have a reusable script/joke to make the transition smooth
- •Treat the handoff as a practical funnel step, not a big moment
- 55:19 – 1:01:09
Confidence frame: ‘assume attraction,’ be the prize, and stop dating from emptiness
Chris introduces ‘assume attraction’—a frame that reduces neediness and fear of rejection by internalizing your value. Amanda agrees, warning that choosing partners to fill a void creates unhealthy dynamics and distorted selection.
- •Assume attraction: enter dates as if you’re already valuable and wanted
- •Being ‘the prize’ changes how you communicate and tolerate behavior
- •Neediness drives many attraction problems (echoing Models by Mark Manson)
- •Stop picking partners to compensate for perceived personal lack
- 1:01:09 – 1:16:23
Common dating traps, book recommendations, and the ‘fear of state change’ red pill
They close with common mistakes (especially for women: over-agreeableness or performative polarity), then trade book recommendations. Chris ends on a key insight from Models: people often self-sabotage dates/intimacy due to fear of change, rationalizing avoidance with excuses.
- •Women’s pitfalls: losing self in agreeableness or over-masculine rigidity
- •Heuristic: if you can always predict someone’s answers, it’s performative/flat
- •Amanda’s books: shadow work and intention (plus relationship upper-limit ideas)
- •Chris’s books: Models (Mark Manson) and The Way of the Superior Man (David Deida)
- •Fear of ‘state change’ causes avoidance; people rationalize it as fatigue/low attraction
