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Dr Rangan ChatterjeeDr Rangan Chatterjee

This Is Why You Break Every New Year’s Resolution — And How To Finally Stop | Shadé Zahrai

This episode is brought to you by: AG1: Get a FREE AG1 Green Steel Tumbler, 5 Travel Packs and Welcome Kit worth £80. Sign up for a subscription here: https://bit.ly/43FwxQl VIVOBAREFOOT: Get 15% off your first order https://links.drchatterjee.com/4nqvRI3 Most of us want our lives to feel calmer, clearer and more aligned. Yet so often, we hesitate, overthink or delay the changes we know would help us feel better. This week’s guest believes that what holds us back is not a lack of motivation or confidence, but a lack of self-trust, which is the foundation that shapes everything from our habits to our relationships. This week on, I’m joined by Dr Shadé Zahrai. Shadé is a behavioural researcher, award-winning peak performance educator and leading authority on confidence and self-doubt. In her new book, Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence and Fuel Success, her message is simple: we need to stop getting in our own way, loosen the grip of self-doubt and learn how to back ourselves when it counts. Many of Shadé’s insights are shaped by her own journey. After years in corporate roles that were filled with intense self-doubt and even physical anxiety, she found herself starting again when the pandemic hit and her work fell away overnight. Creating simple videos from home to support others became an unexpected turning point - and ultimately the foundation of the work she does today. During our conversation, we discuss: ● Why self-trust sits at the heart of confidence, action and meaningful change, and how waiting to ‘feel ready’ keeps so many of us stuck. ● The four key attributes that make up self-trust, how our identity shapes our behaviour and why small daily choices become meaningful “proof points” of who we want to become. ● Why confidence doesn’t come first, and why self-trust, not motivation, is what allows us to take action. ● How repeatedly breaking promises to ourselves erodes our identity, and why keeping small commitments rebuilds a sense of capability and worth. ● The powerful connection between our inner narrative and our wellbeing, and how shifting our story changes the way we experience life. Shadé believes that we are not defined by our doubts but by the choices we make when doubt appears. This episode offers a compassionate, practical guide to strengthening the trust we place in ourselves and invites us to stop outsourcing our worth to external validation. Only then can we reconnect with our core values and begin living from a place of clarity and courage. #feelbetterlivemore Connect with Shadé: Website https://www.shadezahrai.com/ Instagram https://www.instagram.com/shadezahrai/?hl=e Tik Tok https://www.tiktok.com/@shadezahrai?lang=en YouTube https://www.youtube.com/shadezahrai Shadé’s book: Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence and Fuel Success UK https://amzn.to/4bkuCHH US https://amzn.to/4947jk4 #feelbetterlivemore #feelbetterlivemorepodcast ------- Order MAKE CHANGE THAT LASTS. US & Canada version https://amzn.to/3RyO3SL, UK version https://amzn.to/3Kt5rUK ----- Follow Dr Chatterjee at: Website: https://drchatterjee.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drchatterjee Twitter: https://twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drchatterjee/ Newsletter: https://drchatterjee.com/subscription DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjeehost
Jan 7, 20261h 58mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:37

    Why self-trust—not confidence—is the real antidote to self-doubt

    1. SZ

      What would you say is the opposite of self-doubt, which we know is the greatest blocker that we face? What is the opposite of self-doubt?

    2. RC

      Self-trust.

    3. SZ

      Self-trust. I gave it away. Most people will say confidence. Most people will say self-belief. Some people say clarity. Some people say purpose. It's actually self-trust. But too many people are waiting to feel confident. We think that confidence is the antidote to self-doubt, and that's why so many people are continually putting things off until they feel that sense of readiness.

    4. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    5. SZ

      When we look at a lot of the literature, we find that that feeling of confidence actually doesn't come first. It comes after you take action, after you do something. Because when you take action, you're getting a proof point, an evidence piece, a view of, "Hey, I can do this. It's not as hard as I thought." It boosts your skill, it boosts your capability, it builds what's called self-efficacy, and that's what creates that sense of confidence, which creates momentum. So if this thing so many people are waiting for happens after the action, there's something that comes first, and it is trusting yourself. Because what we know, my, uh, research over the last five years and looking at decades' worth of literature that exists, meta-analyses, it's found that if you do not fundamentally trust yourself, and there are four dimensions, which I'm sure we'll dive into-

    6. RC

      Mm-hmm

    7. SZ

      ... if you don't trust yourself across these four dimensions, you will invariably hold back, hesitate, overthink, wait until you feel ready, and you're getting in your own way.

    8. RC

      Yeah.

    9. SZ

      And even if you achieve success, you're always going to be feeling like something is missing.

    10. RC

      Yeah.

    11. SZ

      So self-trust is really that ultimate amplifier of everything good in our lives.

  2. 1:37 – 7:52

    Broken promises, identity votes, and why New Year’s resolutions fail by day 21

    1. RC

      Yeah, I, I, I love that. A lot of people listen to this podcast because they want to improve their lives in some way. It could be they want better health, they want to be happier, they want closer relationships. And it's been pretty clear to me over the last few years that actually what lies at the heart of all of those things is the way that we view ourselves. And over the last couple of years, I've been saying in live shows or on this podcast to people that one of the most toxic things I believe you can do is say you're gonna do something and not do it. Because when you say you're gonna do something, which often happens at the start of the new year, and you don't then follow through, I think one of the problems with that is that you show yourself that actually I can't trust myself. 'Cause I said I was gonna do it, and I didn't.

    2. SZ

      James Clear has this beautiful quote, and I'm going to butcher it 'cause I don't really remember it, but it's exactly aligned with this. It's the idea that every time you say you'll do something and you do it, you're putting a vote in the ballot box of who you want to become.

    3. RC

      Yeah.

    4. SZ

      And when you're not showing up consistently and saying, "I'm gonna do this," and then you do it, you're eroding that sense of trust. You're giving yourself evidence that, "Okay, I can't show up for myself. I don't back myself." In fact, there's this really fascinating study that was published in 2014 looking at children and child behavior. I love looking at children's behavior because really-

    5. RC

      Mm

    6. SZ

      ... our brains are very similar. We've just learned how to manage our emotions a little bit better and maybe think a little bit more logically. So what they did is they had this group of children. With half the group they said, "Can you please help?" With the other half they said, "Can you be a helper?" The group that was asked to help helped far less than the group that was asked to be a helper. Why is that? Because on the one side, we're asking them to do something, "Can you help?" On the other side, we're making it about their identity, about who they are, "I want to be a helper. I want to live up to that." And so when we think about the role of identity and how we see ourselves, our self-image is the blueprint of our entire lives. And so if we're not able to show up for ourselves, take the action, which is a demonstration of self-trust, we are then creating this blueprint that I'm someone who makes promises that I can't keep to myself.

    7. RC

      Yeah. It kind of plays into self-limiting beliefs as well, doesn't it? Because if we don't show ourselves that we can keep our word to ourselves, then we, we break that trust. And then our self-talk almost reinforces this negative belief pattern that, you know, "I can never stick to my health goals," you know? "Oh, damn, you know, I bought that book. I was gonna do that four-week plan, and yet again, I didn't do it." The more times that happens, the more we show ourselves with proof that we can't stick to our plans, right? So sometimes I believe that actually New Year's resolutions, whilst for sure for some people they can be helpful, I think for many people they're not. Because they try and bring something in on January the 1st. By the end of January, it has gone. And sometimes I feel that if you've done that for five consecutive years, you've got five successive failures, five successive times where you showed yourself that you can't trust yourself.

    8. SZ

      Exactly right. In fact, there was a large scale study where they had something like 8,000 entries, and they found that most people who set a goal on January 1st end up breaking it by day 21.

    9. RC

      Yeah.

    10. SZ

      And so then we need to be asking ourselves, why is it that so many people have these goals, these resolutions, these things they want to do, even if they're small, and yet they're just not able to follow through? Why is that happening? So we know it's a result of a lack of self-trust. I mean, it could also just be poor discipline. It could be bad habits. It could be other things distracting you. But fundamentally, it comes down to how we see ourselves, which then begs the question, how do we determine how we see ourselves?

    11. RC

      Yeah.

    12. SZ

      What actually goes into that? And that's what fascinates me, and that's what absolutely piqued my interest, which is what sparked a lot of my own research. How do we measure how we see ourselves?

    13. RC

      Yeah.

    14. SZ

      This idea of self-trust. Because it influences so many aspects of our lives. As you mentioned, our ability to pursue health goals-

    15. RC

      Yeah

    16. SZ

      ... our ability to pursue meaningful relationships, our ability to be successful at work and to perform-

    17. RC

      Mm

    18. SZ

      ... and our ability to be happy all rests upon this thing, this elusive idea of self-trust. What actually is it?

    19. RC

      Yeah. I love it. I, I really do. I'm obsessed by thinking about what is it that gets in the way of people making the changes that they desperately wanna make? And, you know, I started off the conversation with that, with that sort of quote that I, I read from you. But it, it's self-trust that separates those who do from those who wish.

    20. SZ

      Mm-hmm.

    21. RC

      That is the heart of it, right? Because a lot of people wish their lives were different. They wish they could stick to their habits. They wish they could have closer relationships. And I think there are all kinds of things, like habit formation and all that kind of stuff, but I, I kind of feel that those things are downstream.

    22. SZ

      Mm.

    23. RC

      I think if you really go upstream, everything good in life comes from your ability to trust yourself. So you've written this new book-

    24. SZ

      Yes

    25. RC

      ... called Big Trust. Let's talk about what exactly it is, and of course, in the book, you break it down into these four different components. So do you think it's a good place to start by going through those four components, then we can go into a bit more depth?

    26. SZ

      Yeah, I think that's great, and I think I'm gonna take it, again, a little bit further back to describe why the four components are so relevant-

    27. RC

      Yeah, yeah, take your time

    28. SZ

      ... and how the self-trust really plays out as a self-fulfilling prophecy. So one thing I will also preface all of this with, I have been passionate about people for as long as I can remember, and I have had my own hypotheses about why some people succeed and why others don't, and I've noticed patterns in a lot of the leaders and the teams that we've worked with around the world. What I have now discovered is that when we look at the data, when we look at the research, we're given the frameworks that explains why people achieve certain things in their lives, the

  3. 7:52 – 11:53

    The ‘internal scar’ study: expectation bias and invisible self-image wounds

    1. SZ

      outcomes. And I, I love making sure that the data is aligning with what I'm experiencing and what I'm seeing. So I'm gonna share a study with you from 1970. So a little while ago now, but it is a fascinating insight in terms of how we show up in the world and how beliefs influence that and then influence our outcomes.

    2. RC

      Mm.

    3. SZ

      So taking you back to the 1970s, a psychology professor from Dartmouth by the name of Robert Cleck conducted this fascinating study, brought together a group of people, and they were essentially sent out to have conversations with strangers. But before they had the conversations, he split the group into two. One group had a scar drawn on their face from their right ear to the side of their right mouth. Big, ugly, visible scar. He allowed them to have a look at themselves in a hand mirror before they went into these conversations so they can confirm, "Yes, I have a scar on my face." Both groups went out and had these conversations with these strangers. At the end, they came back in, and they reported on how they felt the conversation went. The group that had the scar overwhelmingly reported that they felt the conversation was tense. They felt judged. They felt like their conversation partner was cold. They felt that they were treated differently because of that scar. Now, that's not particularly surprising because humans are very judgmental, and often people can discriminate based on physical appearance. But what's interesting about this study is if we rewind a little bit. Before he sent these groups into conversations, that group with the scar was given some moisturizing cream, or rather they applied moisturizing cream to the scar, and they said, "This is to set it so it doesn't crack." Great.

    4. RC

      Mm.

    5. SZ

      But what they did, unknowingly to the participants, was completely wipe off the scar. They now had no scar on their face.

    6. RC

      Wow.

    7. SZ

      They went into these conversations believing they had a scar, expecting that they would be treated differently, and guess what? That is what their experience showed. Now, what's even more interesting is they had neutral third parties watching on video, watching these conversations, and they didn't notice any difference in any of the conversations in how people were treated or how people acted. It was entirely in their heads, and this is what psychologists call expectation bias. We have an expectation about us. In this case, it was a physical appearance thing. But it goes much deeper than that. It's also an expectation about how we feel we deserve to be treated. Do you believe you are lovable, you are worthy, you are capable, you have some kind of personal power? Because if you go into relationships or conversations or the world believing that you do, you will notice things that confirm that because of confirmation bias, because of selective attention, where the brain selectively attends to things that it thinks are important.

    8. RC

      Mm.

    9. SZ

      And what does it think are important? Whatever your beliefs are, whatever you tell it. So I think this is such a fascinating-

    10. RC

      Yeah

    11. SZ

      ... mind-blowing insight 'cause just think about how many people are walking around in their lives with these internal scars.

    12. RC

      Yeah. I, I, I, I just love that study so much. It explains so much. The scar was removed.

    13. SZ

      It wasn't even there.

    14. RC

      It wasn't even there, but they believed it was there, and that shaped their reality.

    15. SZ

      Yes.

    16. RC

      And I often think about limiting beliefs like a container. Like, your belief is the container of your life, and whilst that belief holds weight in your mind, you will only ever live your life within that container. You can't go beyond it because your belief won't allow you to. So that limiting belief limits your experience of life. But I guess, how would you say people can start to, I guess, change those limiting beliefs?

    17. SZ

      So the first step is to acknowledge that you can change it 'cause most people will say, "Well, this is just who I am."

    18. RC

      Yeah.

    19. SZ

      Because they're building the proof points that they can't do it or that people always treat them poorly or that all their relationships will be a certain way. Because again, their self-image, which is how they see themselves, is showing up and reinforcing-

  4. 11:53 – 14:32

    Breaking the ‘plant pot’: self-image as the container that limits your life

    1. RC

      Mm

    2. SZ

      ... those initial beliefs. So I love that you mentioned this idea of a container because when we... So my husband and I, Faisal and I, we moved to Koh Samui Island at the end of 2021. We live on a tropical resort island. We're very grateful for that. One of the things that we did was we wanted a tropical flair inside our living room in our villa when we moved there. We love tropical nature.So we brought in a Manila palm. Now, a Manila palm, when you plant it outside, it can grow quite tall.

    3. RC

      Mm.

    4. SZ

      It's beautiful. We love the, the shade that a palm tree gives and the look and feel. But when you bring it inside, inside its pot... We had a, like a reasonably big pot, but it was way smaller than if it was planted out in the open.

    5. RC

      Right.

    6. SZ

      And we asked the, the gardener essentially, "How tall would the plant grow?" And he said, "Maybe two meters if you're lucky." Now, this is about one-tenth, one-fifth maybe of what it could grow to outside. And I thought that was fascinating because if this plant, if this palm tree had a consciousness, which it doesn't, but if it did, it might think, "Okay, two meters, that's my potential."

    7. RC

      Yeah.

    8. SZ

      "That's my reality. That's all I can be." But if it's planted outside, its reality, its potential is very, very different.

    9. RC

      Mm.

    10. SZ

      So we need to imagine that our self-image, our limiting beliefs are the pot that we have planted ourselves into.

    11. RC

      Yeah.

    12. SZ

      And we can at any moment... So the, the issue is that when we're in that pot, that's all we see. That's genuinely what we believe that we are because it's a blueprint that then influences how we live our lives, and it's continually reinforced. So it's very easy to feel like this is me, I am fixed, this is concrete.

    13. RC

      Yeah.

    14. SZ

      But all you need to do sometime is recognize you're in a pot. Move yourself to a bigger pot, or better yet, plant yourself in open soil. Now, this is easier said than done, so then the question is, how do we do this? So first step, acknowledge you're in a pot. No matter who you are, there is a pot. I think there are very few people who are planted in open soil. Most people we've spoken to have a pot. So acknowledge there is a pot, and you can break the pot. So what do we need to do? In order to build self-trust, we need to fundamentally change our self-image.

    15. RC

      Mm.

    16. SZ

      So then this again begs the question, what is a self-image? How do we update that belief that we have about ourselves? Because we're going to keep living a life that reinforces that. There's this phrase I love: You will never rise above your opinion of yourself. You will never rise above your opinion of yourself. If you do not believe you are worthy, capable, have some degree of power, able to handle the situation, you either will not try or you will sabotage yourself. Because when you hit a roadblock, you'll say, "See, told you so."

    17. RC

      Yeah.

    18. SZ

      So what do we do? So this is what triggered me to go back and look at decades' worth of research and literature. I wanted to understand what the best esteemed minds in the field-

    19. RC

      Mm

  5. 14:32 – 21:29

    The four core self-evaluations: a research-backed framework that predicts success

    1. SZ

      ... of organizational behavior, cognitive psychology had to say about what is a self-image. How do we judge ourselves? And that's when I found something buried in the literature around the '80s, '90s. It actually was the late '80s. And what some researchers had found in the field of organizational behavior is there is a concept called our core self-evaluations-

    2. RC

      Mm

    3. SZ

      ... which is the core most beliefs that we have about ourselves. And depending on what your beliefs are across these four, they're actually personality traits. Across these four personality traits, when they combine, it reminds me a bit of Power Rangers. You know how when they combine there's this amazing power? [laughs] It's similar to that. When these four combine, it fundamentally shapes how you see yourself. Now, what's even more interesting about these four personality traits is depending on your levels of each of them, it has been found to predict. So meta-analyses of looking at almost 100 studies have found that it is predictive of your job success, your job performance, your career satisfaction, your relationship success, even how much money you will make regardless of where you start out in your life.

    4. RC

      It's all to do with how you view yourself.

    5. SZ

      It's all to do with how you view yourself, specifically these four things. So then what are these four things? I think everyone wants to know what are they. So I'll tell you what the personality traits are, and then I'm going to share with you what the trainable attribute is-

    6. RC

      Mm

    7. SZ

      ... which is where our research comes in, to actually change that personality trait. Because for a very long time, Rangan, there has been a belief that personality is stable, right? Who we are is who we are, and we fundamentally can't change it. Do you believe that?

    8. RC

      Not anymore.

    9. SZ

      Great. Fantastic. And I think something we need to acknowledge is in the realm of any kind of science, behavioral science, cognitive science, neuroscience, psychological science, it is an evolving area of study. And so there are things that we thought that we are discovering are not actually accurate, and so we always need to be open and malleable with our views of what's going on as we learn more.

    10. RC

      Yeah. There, there's a really interesting point there for me. You ask about what I think about personality, and then you talk about the fact that research is constantly evolving, and it is. I think there's something really interesting about research. Research, I think is really, really important, and it's not everything.

    11. SZ

      Yes.

    12. RC

      Because research and science is always changing. So that means at some point in the past, that research or science was maybe not completely right. Yet we act as though the latest research tells us, "Oh, all that stuff in the past wasn't quite right, but now we've nailed it." But it's like, well, hold on a minute.

    13. SZ

      And someone will usually have a, a book that's coming out about that as well. [laughs]

    14. RC

      Yeah. It's gonna... It's constantly changing.

    15. SZ

      Yeah.

    16. RC

      So personality, for example, I think is a great example. One of the reasons I don't believe personality is fixed or many aspects are fixed, maybe there are certain attributes of our personality that are or we have tendencies, is because I used to be someone who everyone would call mega competitive, right?

    17. SZ

      Interesting.

    18. RC

      All my... If you, if you talk to any of my best friends, they will, they will say, "Rangan was one of the most competitive people. He would not lose," and I wouldn't, right? But I'm not anymore because... And this is when we get into your four attributes.

    19. SZ

      Mm-hmm.

    20. RC

      This is where the first attribute, acceptance, comes in for me. I never thought I was enough, okay? I got my sense of self-worth as a child or my... I, I, I took on the belief as a child that I was only loved when I got top grades, when I achievedRight? So if you think about that, if that's the way you're wired as a young child, it makes complete sense that you would develop the trait of competitiveness. Because what will that do? It will ensure that you constantly achieve, and that you get that validation that you think that you need in order to be loved. But over the last 10 years, probably since my dad died and I've been on this kind of journey, as it were, I realized and identified, with some help, where that came from, and have processed it and have done the work, whether that be therapy, journaling, meditation, whatever it might be, to the point now where I'm not competitive anymore. So I know, and, and this comes back to the research, I know on a, on a individual level that a lot of people just say, "Oh, I'm competitive. That's just the way it is." Maybe, maybe not.

    21. SZ

      Mm-hmm.

    22. RC

      And to be clear, the research does matter. But on a personal level, I'm like, in some ways the research doesn't matter to me because I know I used to be competitive, and now I'm not. Therefore, I know at least from personal experience that that trait is certainly malleable and open to change.

    23. SZ

      So a couple of notes on research, which I have only discovered since spending five years doing PhD research. You're absolutely right. Research evolves, and that's why looking at meta-analyses is actually far more effective, because you're not just looking at one study-

    24. RC

      Mm

    25. SZ

      ... you're looking at many, many, many studies and whether the statistical significance is following through. The other thing with a study is it may have been done with 10 people-

    26. RC

      Mm

    27. SZ

      ... in a remote island-

    28. RC

      Mm

    29. SZ

      ... that's completely removed from where you are. You never know. The other thing I have discovered is not all research is equal. You can pay to publish.

    30. RC

      [laughs]

  6. 21:29 – 29:52

    How to change without blaming your past: agency over your story

    1. SZ

      ... where we were. So for a very long time, there was a belief that personality was stable across the lifespan. And there were countless studies that had been conducted that confirmed this. We do know that personality is largely shaped in our earliest years.

    2. RC

      Yeah, for sure.

    3. SZ

      Nature/nurture, so part of it is hardwired into us. This is why you get two kids in the same environment, maybe twins, one of them at the age of two is happy to go off and explore, and the other one is attached to Mum or Dad's leg.

    4. RC

      Mm.

    5. SZ

      That's to do with the psychological trait of openness to experience.

    6. RC

      Right.

    7. SZ

      One of the kids is high on that, one of them is low. But we also know that the environment that parents and early caregivers provide in those earliest years can either reinforce or activate certain-

    8. RC

      Mm

    9. SZ

      ... traits within us. And then again, when we're in school, in that environment, and then as we age. So there are all of these elements. You mentioned, and I'm sure we'll come to it, that based on whether you felt like you were only of value or you felt like you needed some reason to get that love and sense of validity from your parents, if it was grades, if it was, "Look at me performing on stage," you start to internalize this view that, "I am only worthy when I am performing or perfecting something."

    10. RC

      Yeah.

    11. SZ

      Or you need to have a reason. And I'm very similar to that. And this is not to say that our parents are responsible for all of our challenges as adults. They did the best they could with what they knew. This is just how life evolves.

    12. RC

      Yeah, and I ju- I just wanna, before you continue, just highlight that point. I think a lot of people get stuck in a trap of blaming their parents.

    13. SZ

      Yes.

    14. RC

      They, they, they go through this sort of journey of maybe listening to podcasts or reading books-

    15. SZ

      [laughs]

    16. RC

      ... and going, "Oh, wow, my early childhood years-"

    17. SZ

      "That's Mum's fault" [laughs]

    18. RC

      "... are really influential in how I am an adult." Okay, that's step one.

    19. SZ

      Yeah.

    20. RC

      The natural next step for many people is, "I can't believe Mum and Dad did that," or, "Mum did that," or whoever, whatever. "They're responsible." I think that's a dangerous place to get to. That will keep you stuck. That will keep you stuck in victim mindset, you know. So I just wanna make it-

    21. SZ

      Yeah

    22. RC

      ... super clear that my parents were amazing.

    23. SZ

      Mm.

    24. RC

      Literally amazing. I think the person who I am today is largely because of how Mum and Dad raised me. And at the same time [laughs] I also took on certain beliefs that they probably didn't even want me to take on.

    25. SZ

      No.

    26. RC

      Right? So I think that's super important. And I probably went through a blame phase as I started to uncover things, but I quickly moved beyond that. I thought, "This is not helping me." They were doing the best that they can. And I can totally understand, you, like me, are from an immigrant family. I totally get why an immigrant family to the UK in the 1960s, or an immigrant couple, would literally think that the way my children are going to avoid the struggle that we've had is by getting straight As and becoming a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. It makes total sense when you understand their lives. Do you know what I mean?

    27. SZ

      Absolutely, which is why empathy is also really important.

    28. RC

      Well, yeah, for sure.

    29. SZ

      Completely. So beautiful. I love that we've-Touched on the role of early experience and how it does shape who we are. You know, I always say that we are absolutely a product of our past, but we do not have to be a prisoner to it. That is a choice that we make.

    30. RC

      Mm-hmm.

  7. 29:52 – 34:41

    Attribute #1 — Acceptance: self-esteem, enoughness, and value-led ‘to-be’ lists

    1. SZ

      first trait, which is almost... There's no order to these according to when we look at the literature, but I would say that this is one of the deepest, most core drivers of self-doubt. And then when it's strong, it's a driver of self-trust, and it's the psychological trait of self-esteem. How do you fundamentally see yourself? Do you see yourself as worthy? Do you see yourself as someone who deserves good things? Lovable? If you do not, that's what we call a lack of acceptance. So acceptance is the behavioral element, the trainable element. If you wanna improve your self-esteem, you need to develop the habit of acceptance, and it is shown in the literature to be a habit that we can develop within ourselves.

    2. RC

      One of the simplest ways to improve your whole body health is to start with your feet. Now, most of us don't realize this, but 95% of us are born with healthy feet, and by adulthood, 77% of us have foot problems, and a big reason is the shoes that we wear. Now, most modern shoes are rigid, narrow, and over-cushioned, which ends up weakening the very muscles that supports our posture, balance, and movement. That's why I have been wearing Vivobarefoot shoes for over 10 years now. They're designed for fit, flex, and feel to let your feet do what human feet have evolved to do. And studies show that wearing minimalist footwear like Vivos can increase foot strength by up to 60% in just six months, which can improve balance, posture, and the way in which you move. Now, if you've never tried barefoot shoes before, Vivobarefoot make it really easy. They offer a 100-day money back guarantee, so you can wear them, live in them, move naturally, and if they're not for you, just send them back, no risk at all. Vivobarefoot are offering you an incredible 15% off your first order. Just scan the QR code on screen or head to vivobarefoot.com/livemore. Free your feet and the rest will follow.

    3. SZ

      When you struggle with self-esteem, when you struggle with this lack of acceptance, Rangan, you said that you struggle with this area. Can you share a little bit of how it maybe shows up in your... Or maybe not anymore, but how it showed up in your life earlier?

    4. RC

      Um, I would say that when I used to struggle with acceptance, and it really was, you know, that belief that I guess I wasn't enough in who I was. I had to achieve in order to be enough.

    5. SZ

      Mm.

    6. RC

      So I had to... I guess back then I would be driven a lot by external validation. If other people say I'm doing good stuff, then I'm good. But that's a very fragile place to be because, yeah, you can crush something and people can say good things, but then if you're that dependent on external validation, I remember that criticism absolutely destroys you because you live in a very fragile state. Whereas today, having worked on this trait, and we can maybe talk about that later, over the past decade or so, and having mostly, I would say, resolved those issues, and again, we can come back to that-

    7. SZ

      Yeah

    8. RC

      ... when I say mostly, I just feel there's a real deep sense of contentment in who I am today.

    9. SZ

      Mm.

    10. RC

      I don't need to achieve in order to feel good. I know that I'm a good human being. I know that I treat people well, that I care about my work. In some ways, it doesn't matter what people think. It does, but if someone disagrees or doesn't like something I put out, I'm like, "Okay, great."

    11. SZ

      You don't take it personally.

    12. RC

      No problem.

    13. SZ

      You don't internalize it.

    14. RC

      I don't take it personally. It's like, yeah-

    15. SZ

      Yeah

    16. RC

      ... you know what? There's eight billion people on the planet. You have a different opinion to me.

    17. SZ

      [laughs]

    18. RC

      No problem. So it's kind of interesting. But for me... And look, we're gonna go through these four traits, right? And we're still on the first trait, but one of the things that I was gonna ask you, 'cause you said there's no particular order, and I guess my own personal bias is probably playing in here, but I kind of feel that acceptance is the most important one. 'Cause I feel if you get this right, the others kind of follow suit is my hunch, but what's your take on that?

    19. SZ

      So my experience, personal experience, would absolutely be the same.

    20. RC

      Mm.

    21. SZ

      We find that those who struggle the most will struggle with acceptance, and when you can develop that attribute within yourself, everything becomes easier.

    22. RC

      Yeah.

    23. SZ

      Because no matter what happens, you don't take it personally, you don't internalize it.

    24. RC

      [laughs]

  8. 34:41 – 43:04

    Acceptance in real life: arrival fallacy, role-identity fusion, and the hobby prescription

    1. SZ

      Suddenly, life, you're floating, right? You've taken off this massive weight. I do... What we do see is a lot of highly, highly successful driven people struggle with acceptance.

    2. RC

      Yeah.

    3. SZ

      And they claim that, "Well, that is what keeps me pushing. That has been the secret to my success 'cause I never feel like I'm enough, so I'm constantly going next goal, next goal. I hit the goal, don't really feel satisfied, and then shift to the next goal." It's called the arrival fallacy.

    4. RC

      Arrival fallacy, yeah.

    5. SZ

      They're searching for a sense of enough on the other side of that goal, and they're perpetually searching. And on the one side you could say, okay, it is a driver of success, but it's also a driver of burnout, emotional exhaustion, neglecting the people that you love, neglecting your values in search of that enoughness. And also, there's this beautiful quote or, uh, insight that comes from Bronnie Ware. So Bronnie Ware was a palliative nurse. Are you aware of her story?

    6. RC

      Uh, she's a friend of mine.

    7. SZ

      Oh my goodness.

    8. RC

      She's been on the show. I've, I've sp-

    9. SZ

      Can you send her my best? [laughs]

    10. RC

      I've spoken about her, her book. Maybe, maybe every four podcasts or so-

    11. SZ

      Oh

    12. RC

      ... it comes up 'cause it's...

    13. SZ

      It's-

    14. RC

      But, but please continue.

    15. SZ

      It's beautiful. I mean, we should get her on to share this. But her, she was reflecting on her experiences in the final days or final-

    16. RC

      Yeah

    17. SZ

      ... weeks, days of life of people. This is when the masks have come off. The need for acceptance has dropped because fundamentally the, it's the end. And her reflection was that the, the top regret people have is not, "I wish I set up that business," or, "We scaled there," or, "I did this," or... It was, "I wish I lived a life... I wish I had the courage to live a life that was aligned with what I wanted-

    18. RC

      Mm-hmm

    19. SZ

      ... not other people's expectations."

    20. RC

      Yeah.

    21. SZ

      And so fundamentally, that brings us back to this first driver of self-doubt. It undermines our trust in ourselves because we're outsourcing our worth. But as you said, we then live in a very fragile place.

    22. RC

      Yeah. But, but it's, you know, achievement, right? A lot of people, um, will come to your workshop, Shadé, because, you know, they want more confidence, they wanna do better at work, they wanna perform, they wanna achieve more.But achievement's an interesting word, right? It's an interesting concept because you can achieve and still not feel enough, or you can achieve and know that your self-worth was not dependent on that achievement, and then you're likely to be contented and happy.

    23. SZ

      Exactly.

    24. RC

      And this is of course why we see so many high-performing people, whether it be athletes or billionaires or whatever, you know, it's a cliche now, but it's true. So many people who achieve-

    25. SZ

      They feel empty

    26. RC

      ... feel empty.

    27. SZ

      Yeah.

    28. RC

      So many top sportsmen are not happy.

    29. SZ

      Mm-hmm.

    30. RC

      So many, uh, CEOs of companies are not happy because... And it goes back to what you said before, there's a belief that that sense of lack inside drives you to work more and push more and achieve more, and it does. But then the question is, what do you want out of your life?

  9. 43:04 – 48:00

    When roles change: parenting, retirement, and returning to essence and values

    1. RC

      This whole idea of identity, and, you know, in the book you write about the risk of a single identity-

    2. SZ

      Mm-hmm

    3. RC

      ... right? Which is of course why people, or one of the reasons people struggle in retirement, 'cause the entirety of who they were was their job. They suddenly stop at 65 or whatever age they stop at. Suddenly it's like, "Well-

    4. SZ

      "Who am I?"

    5. RC

      ... who the hell am I?"

    6. SZ

      Yeah.

    7. RC

      You know, because that's who I was.

    8. SZ

      You know, I've heard of stories of people who even after they retire, they still wake up at the same time, put on their work outfit, get on the train, go to the office, walk around, and then come back.

    9. RC

      No way.

    10. SZ

      Because it was so deeply entrenched in their identity-

    11. RC

      Yeah

    12. SZ

      ... feeling like they have a purpose. And that's the other thing. When your work is entirely your everything and your identity, as soon as that's taken away, what is your purpose?

    13. RC

      Yeah.

    14. SZ

      A lot of bodybuilders, a lot of sports athletes will experience this too, where they're so focused on the goal, they achieve it, and then they experience a complete drop, almost like a depressive drop afterwards, 'cause they don't know who they are or what they're supposed to be doing with their lives.

    15. RC

      Yeah, because it's focused on the achievement-

    16. SZ

      Exactly

    17. RC

      ... not the process, not, you know, not who you are in the pursuit of that goal.

    18. SZ

      Yes.

    19. RC

      It's, that's irrelevant. It's just about the, the goal itself, which is very, very problematic, and we see this in sportsmen all the time, right?

    20. SZ

      Mm.

    21. RC

      But going back to our identity for a minute-

    22. SZ

      Yeah

    23. RC

      ... right, there's retirement of course. There's losing your job because you got sick, right? Which is certainly, you know, it does affect people from time to time. You know, they have to-

    24. SZ

      Or needing to be a carer

    25. RC

      ... or needing to be a carer.

    26. SZ

      Yeah.

    27. RC

      But I know a lot of the people who listen to this show are parents, and I know a lot of people, this hasn't happened to me yet [laughs] because of the age of my kids, but a lot of people struggle when their kids hit 18 and leave home.

    28. SZ

      Mm.

    29. RC

      Right? So for the last 18 years, the entirety of their identity was about being a parent, about looking after them, getting them from school, feeding them, taking them to their classes. And then suddenly, let's say their child has gone to the workplace or has gone to university or has moved out.

    30. SZ

      Mm.

  10. 48:00 – 54:43

    Light vs heavy self-doubt: the ping-pong vs golf ball analogy

    1. SZ

      There's a question that often comes up, which has actually come up twice in the last two days, and it's if we're living in this world where we are so influenced by the world around us and the self-doubt and the who are we really? And actually there's an analogy that I, I need to bring and physically demonstrate 'cause I end up referencing it so frequently, but okay. So Rangan, imagine I have two glasses of water here.

    2. RC

      Mm.

    3. SZ

      They're clear glasses. They're full of water to the very top. Now, I also have a ping pong table tennis ball, and then I have a golf ball over here. In one of the glasses, if I put that table tennis ball on the top, what happens to the water?

    4. RC

      The ping pong ball?

    5. SZ

      The ping pong ball. Table tennis ping pong.

    6. RC

      It's gonna float.

    7. SZ

      It floats, and the water is unchanged mostly.

    8. RC

      Mm.

    9. SZ

      Golf ball, much heavier. If I drop that into the, the water on the other side, what's going to happen?

    10. RC

      It's gonna sink-

    11. SZ

      Yeah

    12. RC

      ... and water's gonna start falling out.

    13. SZ

      Yeah. It's gonna be very messy. So if I ever do that demonstration, I should bring a towel. Note to self. So this is how we think about a lack of self-trust or self-doubt rather. Self-doubt, which is when we doubt our capacity, our worthiness, who are we beyond our identity.These doubts are not necessarily unhealthy. They don't mean that we're broken.

    14. RC

      Mm.

    15. SZ

      It's about how we choose to respond to them. If we see them as that ping pong ball, that tennis ball, we know that they're there, but it's floating. It doesn't affect our identity.

    16. RC

      Mm.

    17. SZ

      We can choose to process them if we need to, or just push them aside if they're not relevant to us.

    18. RC

      Mm.

    19. SZ

      And this is what we find those who are the happiest and the most successful in terms of trusting themselves, they do this really well. They actually don't focus on eliminating the thoughts and the doubts. They lean into who they are, acknowledge that, "Okay, I have a thought, but that is not my reality. I don't have to accept it." You are not your thoughts. You don't have to accept your feelings. You can process them, right?

    20. RC

      Mm.

    21. SZ

      So that's the ideal state. We call it light self-doubt.

    22. RC

      Mm.

    23. SZ

      Doesn't become internalized. On the other hand, that golf ball is heavy, internalized self-doubt, and the worst part is that we lose ... We lost some of the water when we dropped that in. We lose a part of ourselves when we're living with that doubt, and we think it's who we are because, again, that pot has shrunk. Now, what happens if I grab a spoon and I ever so gently, or chopsticks if you're really good with them, and I take out that golf ball? So now the doubt has been removed. Has the water magically been replaced?

    24. RC

      No.

    25. SZ

      No. We've lost a part of ourselves, and so some people will go through this process of rebuilding who they are, eliminating the doubt, or rather knowing it's there but not internalizing it. But then they still don't know who they are, and this is almost like what we're talking about-

    26. RC

      Yeah

    27. SZ

      ... with when the kids leave, the parents have to go through this process of rediscovery. Do you know what my answer to that is?

    28. RC

      What?

    29. SZ

      Do you wanna fill that up? Go back to your values.

    30. RC

      Yeah.

  11. 54:43 – 1:09:42

    Attribute #2 — Agency: self-efficacy, imposter syndrome, and the action-first rule

    1. SZ

      Let's do it. Let's move to number two. So the second element of self-trust, and when this is low, this is where self-doubt creeps in. This is related to a competence type of self-doubt, which answers the question, can I do this? Can I actually do this thing? What does that mean? Do I have the skills, the ability, the resources? Can I learn what I need to learn? So it, it relates to the psychological trait of self-efficacy.Which is actually what we were talking about earlier, where when you take the action, you develop the proof point, you build that sense of, "Hey, I can do this." That's your self-efficacy increasing, which increases the confidence that makes you more likely to do the thing again. So that's how that's connected. And self-efficacy is that fundamental belief of I can do it. I can set a goal and achieve that goal. I can s- start a business and do what I need to do for that business to succeed. Even if something doesn't go well, I can figure out how to get back on track. So that's what the second attribute relates to. Now, if someone is struggling with agency, we call it agency-

    2. RC

      Mm

    3. SZ

      ... because the trait is self-efficacy. But in order to improve or strengthen that trait, we need to tap into the psychological attribute, the trainable attribute of agency.

    4. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    5. SZ

      Now, when agency is lacking, this is where we will often see imposter syndrome, people feeling like a fraud-

    6. RC

      Mm

    7. SZ

      ... especially incompetent people.

    8. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    9. SZ

      So I think we can touch on imposter syndrome in a moment, but I'll go through each of them quickly, and then we can kind of dive into them.

    10. RC

      Yeah.

    11. SZ

      So imposter syndrome comes up a lot, the belief of, "Okay, I don't deserve to be where I am. People think I'm smarter or more capable than I-

    12. RC

      Mm

    13. SZ

      ... I really, truly am." We also see a lot of comparison in the form of comparing yourself to other people's skills and abilities.

    14. RC

      Mm.

    15. SZ

      "That person is much better at that than I am. That person has... They're further ahead than I am. I'm falling behind." And that leads us to never feel like we have done enough or that our skills are enough.

    16. RC

      That's all under agency.

    17. SZ

      That's... Well, it... So agency and a- um, acceptance, actually, they call them caravans in the sense that a lot of them will rise and fall together. We find that agency and acceptance, when we've done our own studies of over 2,000 people, they tend to rise and fall together.

    18. RC

      Yeah. You, you, you can see why. Even just if you think about comparison for a minute, and again, just to make sure everyone's following, the first attribute of t- self-trust is acceptance. The second one is agency. When I think about comparison, I think about acceptance, and the reason I do, and this is why I believe that acceptance might be the highest one of all, and again, that's a personal bias, is because I found in my own life that I would compare and make myself feel bad-

    19. SZ

      Mm

    20. RC

      ... when I didn't feel enough in who I was.

    21. SZ

      Yes.

    22. RC

      Right? 'Cause that's when it bothers you, right? That's when the comparison can turn into envy.

    23. SZ

      Mm.

    24. RC

      That's when the comparison can turn into jealousy. But when you feel enough, when you've worked on this acceptance attribute, and there's kind of loads of tools in the book to help people do that, if you feel enough in who you are, other people's success doesn't affect you. It's not a reflection that you're no good, right? And I, I love in that, in that chapter, although the multiple chapters at the start of the book on acceptance, you say a lack of acceptance shows up in four ways, a pressure to prove, the likability trap, um-

    25. SZ

      Shrinking syndrome

    26. RC

      ... the shrinking syndrome, and Schadenfreude cycle. When you don't feel enough in who you are, it does show up in those ways, and I think people will hear that and be able to go, "Oh, yeah, that's me," or, "That's me." Do you know what I mean?

    27. SZ

      Yeah. Let's explore them. You're right. This, this is really juicy stuff. So we found in our work with especially high performers, so most of our work is with people who are already competent. They're competent, and they're achieving s- something in their lives, whether they're, you know, really good parents or really good creatives or really good entrepreneurs.

    28. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    29. SZ

      But it does apply across the board.

    30. RC

      Mm-hmm.

  12. 1:09:42 – 1:14:44

    From cringing to compounding: Shadé’s COVID pivot and ‘just show up’ stories

    1. SZ

      You waited too long. Because let's say you're waiting till you're not at that cringe stage. In that year, you could have actually started, made it cringe-worthy, and then imagine how good you would be at the end of the 12 months as opposed to waiting the 12 months and then starting when you think you're ready, and then having to go through the cringe. We all cringe. When I think about our social media journey. So quick little backstory. COVID happened. I had just left a 10-year corporate career. I started my career in the legal industry and was so plagued with self-doubt that I, I was physically sick. I made myself physically anxious.

    2. RC

      Wow.

    3. SZ

      I was vomiting during the day from the stress. That's not healthy. Then I thought, "I can't do this to myself." Moved into banking and finance. Why banking and finance? I just needed something other than the law. I didn't know what I was doing in that industry either. Really struggled. So I, I'd done... But then I found my footing. But in any case, so that was 10 years. I then left, and a week later we were planning on relocating overseas and expanding the business that I was working on-

    4. RC

      Mm

    5. SZ

      ... with my husband, Faisal, in the last couple of years while I was in corporate, which is similar to what we're doing now, working with organizations, speaking at events, training, et cetera. And then COVID happens in that week. So suddenly, like we'd, we'd already sold our couch. Why I say that we'd sold our couch is you don't sell your couch until you're certain you're going. So like visas are sorted, flights are there. COVID happens. Suddenly we have no business. All of our clients are now postponing or it's indefinitely on ice.

    6. RC

      Mm.

    7. SZ

      No one knows what's going on. One week, two weeks, a month, two months. Who knows how long it'll last?

    8. RC

      Mm.

    9. SZ

      Our business was helping people. How do we help people when we can't go to the companies where they are? Well, we reach their people.

    10. RC

      Mm.

    11. SZ

      Where are their people? Well, the whole world's kind of in lockdown. Let's go to where they're gonna be, which is on their devices.

    12. RC

      Mm.

    13. SZ

      Let's create video content. So I had to create 40 pieces of video. Well, I didn't have to, but I chose to create 40 pieces of video content in one day. I just changed my outfit and my hair. But I had these little short videos, which meant I had 40 days of content and I couldn't back down. And it was the best thing I could have done. Because if I had waited, or rather if I had posted something and looked at how it was performing and compared it to other people's, I would've thought, "Oh my goodness, they are so much better than me."

    14. RC

      Yeah.

    15. SZ

      "They're more articulate. Their video editing is better." I would've been feeling like I can't do what they do, which is agency, and I would've given up. I also... Anyone knows that it takes a while to get any kind of traction when you do anything.

    16. RC

      Yeah.

    17. SZ

      You don't see gains the first week at the gym. You do not see gains the first week when you're on social media. But day 21, one of the videos hit the algorithm, exploded. By six weeks, we had 225,000 followers on TikTok. I did it on TikTok 'cause I didn't know anyone there, and I wasn't afraid of what people would say, what my family would say, what my work colleagues would say. Exploded. When I got to that point, I was no longer focusing on the outcome. I was focusing on the process, the process of posting every day.

    18. RC

      Mm.

    19. SZ

      If I was focusing on the end goal, I never would've done it. And so it goes back to this idea of who are you becoming through the process?

    20. RC

      Yeah.

    21. SZ

      And how are you building that self-trust, getting the wins, getting the evidence that shows you I can do this? So when we bring it back to agency, people who struggle with agency wait to feel ready. They wait till they have the skill, the capability, the knowledge. But you don't get those things until you try. And this is why you mentioned something like this earlier, this idea of people know what they want. Sometimes they know how to get what they want-

    22. RC

      Mm

    23. SZ

      ... but they don't do it. There is a knowing-doing gap. This is a term coined by Pfeffer and Sutton. Knowing is not doing, and when you can bridge that gap, amazing things happen. And do you know what bridges that gap?Self-trust

    24. RC

      Self-trust

    25. SZ

      We call it big trust because there are these four elements.

    26. RC

      Yeah.

    27. SZ

      And there's a beautiful story that comes from Elizabeth Gilbert. So the author Elizabeth Gilbert, she wrote Eat Pray Love-

    28. RC

      Mm

    29. SZ

      ... one of her w- well-known books, which was turned into a movie with Julia Roberts. And she was reporting or writing about how when she was writing that, that's her memoir. So you'd think writing a memoir, it's your life, it should v- come relatively easily.

    30. RC

      Mm.

  13. 1:14:44 – 1:23:35

    Attribute #3 — Autonomy: locus of control, the hidden cost of complaining, and ‘why me’ → ‘what now’

    1. SZ

      Okay. Autonomy is the third attribute. I'm going to show you or tell you what it sounds like, or rather it looks like, when someone doesn't have autonomy.

    2. RC

      Mm.

    3. SZ

      And then it will make a lot more sense.

    4. RC

      Okay.

    5. SZ

      So we see people with low autonomy have four common traits, behavioral patterns. The first one is they complain a lot. They are constantly complaining about everything, the weather, their family, their job, the economy. Everything feels like it's out of their control. The second one is that they tend to be very resentful of other people, of other things. "Everyone has life easier than I do. Why does this always happen to me? That person doesn't deserve that. I do."

    6. RC

      Mm.

    7. SZ

      So there's complaining. There's a resent. The third one is they tend to blame. Nothing is ever their fault.

    8. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    9. SZ

      It's everyone else's fault. "It's my parents' fault for not putting me in music classes sooner so I could have been a famous musician."

    10. RC

      [laughs]

    11. SZ

      "It's my school's fault for not providing me with an environment to do XYZ. It's the government's fault." Never taking ownership. And then the fourth behavioral pattern that we see here is they tend to dwell on past hurts and the way they have been mistreated in the past, which they very mel- well may have been.

    12. RC

      Mm.

    13. SZ

      Maybe they were handed a really unfair hand of cards. But they will keep ruminating on this and sharing this story with anyone who will listen.

    14. RC

      Mm.

    15. SZ

      And the first time you hear someone sharing something like this, you think, "Gosh, that's horrible. That's terrible. That person has had such a difficult life." By the 30th time, you realize, okay, they're keeping themselves stuck.

    16. RC

      Mm.

    17. SZ

      I get it. Their life was incredibly, objectively, maybe very difficult, or maybe not, maybe just the story they're telling. But they are unknowingly keeping themselves stuck in this.

    18. RC

      Mm.

    19. SZ

      So what does this all mean? What does it relate to? It's the trait of what's called an internal locus of control versus an external locus of control. Locus comes from the Latin loci, meaning location. So it's where you place control in your life.

    20. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    21. SZ

      When you have an external locus of control, you feel like life is happening to you. You have control... no control over everything. You feel like other people have some kind of unfair advantage. You feel like the victim, the endless victim.

    22. RC

      Mm.

    23. SZ

      And the worst part is that you enjoy that feeling because it means you don't have to take ownership. Not only that, you often get a lot of validation from the people around you. "Oh, no, that's terrible. Poor you. Can I help you?"

    24. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    25. SZ

      So this kind of sympathy that we get not only feels good, but also keeps us stuck-

    26. RC

      Yeah

    27. SZ

      ... because we feel like, "Who am I if I'm not the one complaining and people are helping me?" But you also repel the people that could actually help you because when they try, you're not open to it. You say, "You don't understand me." And then you've created this echo chamber and attracted other people who are also the same.

    28. RC

      Yeah. You did a video recently actually on co-rumination.

    29. SZ

      Yes.

    30. RC

      When you... I mean, first of all, I totally agree about complaining. I think if you're someone who complains regularly, you do not realize-

  14. 1:23:35 – 1:43:57

    Discomfort, micro-bravery, and ‘luck surface area’: becoming discoverable to opportunity

    1. RC

      I, I think that's one of the reasons why regularly embracing discomfort is so beneficial, because-

    2. SZ

      I love that you bring this up

    3. RC

      ... because you kind of, you're exercising your autonomy, aren't you? You're, like, it's not everyone's cup of tea, but some people love cold showers or cold plunges, right?

    4. SZ

      Yeah.

    5. RC

      So

    6. SZ

      Is it your cup of tea?

    7. RC

      Yeah, I don't mind it at all. Well, my wife, for example, no way in hell is she-

    8. SZ

      I'm with her. [laughs]

    9. RC

      ... interested in a cold shower or a cold plunge.

    10. SZ

      Yeah.

    11. RC

      I am, right? But I'm, I'm also interested... For example, one of my sort of discomfort rules for life is, barring exceptional circumstances, I will always take the stairs.

    12. SZ

      Brilliant.

    13. RC

      But, you know, in a world where we're, we're all conditioned to comfort, I think one of the reasons we feel a lack of autonomy is because many of our lives have become so comfortable, where we can literally, you know, if, if your job allows you to do this, you can literally get up in your pajamas, go to your kitchen, pull open your laptop, right? You're hungry, just on your phone, order. Um, you want a coffee, go on your phone, order. You know, you can l- you can literally have a sort of life that for 99% of your evolution would have been deemed ridiculous.

    14. SZ

      Mm-hmm.

    15. RC

      And so I think people are almost training a lack of autonomy by how comfortable our lives have become.

    16. SZ

      I think also it's exacerbated by the fact that there is a lot going on in the world, and it's easy when we focus on how little we have control over to start to feel like I have-

    17. RC

      Yeah

    18. SZ

      ... no personal influence in this. So there's two elements that-

    19. RC

      Exactly

    20. SZ

      ... really conflate each other. Or rather, sorry, they compound when they're combined, the ease with which we can live our lives, and then the fact that there's a lot in the world happening that we cannot do anything about. Can we touch on this idea of discomfort?

    21. RC

      Please.

    22. SZ

      'Cause I think it is so incredibly powerful. A lot of people who do not trust themselves see discomfort as a verdict that they shouldn't be doing the thing.

    23. RC

      Mm.

    24. SZ

      "I'm not cut out for this. This is my sign that this is not for me." They're too quick to judge because they haven't conditioned themselves with that tolerance for the uncomfortable. But what we know when they're looking at brain scans, the only way we grow is actually when we're facing something a little bit discomfor- uh, uncomfortable. Discomfort is a sign that we are expanding our possibilities.

    25. RC

      Mm.

    26. SZ

      In terms of what's happening in our brain, we can rewire new pathways when we face discomfort enough times, and then we find that discomfort is not as uncomfortable.

    27. RC

      Mm.

    28. SZ

      It's just like when you go to the gym. If you only ever weightlift five kilograms, you're never gonna grow your muscles. You have to progressively increase that and experience that additional discomfort to then grow that muscle, right? You're literally, like, tearing your muscle-

    29. RC

      Yeah

    30. SZ

      ... and then rebuilding it. It's uncomfortable. It can be painful. Same thing applies. Now, when it comes to discomfort, what is actually fascinating is we often hear a lot of people who have low autonomy will feel really unlucky. They feel like everyone else who... "Oh, that person's so lucky."

  15. 1:43:57 – 1:54:28

    Attribute #4 — Adaptability: emotional grounding, narrative identity, and rewriting your story

    1. RC

      Super powerful. The fourth trait, adaptability.

    2. SZ

      We got there. We got there.

    3. RC

      We got there. We got there.

    4. SZ

      Thank you everyone listening and watching. [laughs]

    5. RC

      What, what, what is it, and, and why is it important?

    6. SZ

      Okay, so let me ask you a question. Can you think back to a moment where you had a lot of self-doubt? A lot of self-doubt, and there would've been a particular moment, maybe anxiety, overthinking. Can you... You don't have to tell us what it was, but can you think of that moment? You can go back as long as you need to.

    7. RC

      Yeah.

    8. SZ

      Okay.

    9. RC

      I, I think so, yeah.

    10. SZ

      What did it feel like in and on your body, just very briefly?

    11. RC

      I guess I would say it felt overwhelming.

    12. SZ

      Okay.

    13. RC

      It felt hollow.

    14. SZ

      Mm-hmm.

    15. RC

      I guess it almost felt like I didn't have any power.

    16. SZ

      Mm.

    17. RC

      Like I was powerless.

    18. SZ

      So undermining autonomy.

    19. RC

      Yeah.

    20. SZ

      Interesting.

    21. RC

      I guess those are things that come to mind.

    22. SZ

      Now, and this is very common, when we're in a highly stressful situation where we perceive that there's a potential threat or we've got a lot of that anxiety, it feels completely overwhelming-

    23. RC

      Mm

    24. SZ

      ... and it can actually undermine the other attributes. Now, pause that moment for a moment. For a moment. Pause the moment for a moment. Strip out any emotion from that moment. So suddenly the emotion is gone, that heavy weight is gone. What are you usually left with? You're not feeling anything in and on your body, but did you have any, any kind of thoughts that were running through your head?

    25. RC

      This is quite hard for me, only because I feel that I really do trust myself these days.

    26. SZ

      Really? Okay. So you're a bad case study.

    27. RC

      But the reason I'm struggling to answer this is because I feel strongly that this is an area, whilst I didn't call it big trust, literally I would say since my dad died, I've been on this journey.

    28. SZ

      Mm.

    29. RC

      So it's a good 12 years where I've been excavating my inner world, figuring out why I think the way I do, why I-

    30. SZ

      Right

  16. 1:54:28 – 1:58:52

    Putting ‘Big Trust’ into practice: implementation intentions and planning for obstacles

    1. RC

      they've identified through this conversation that they have a lack of trust in themselves, but they don't know where to start, what do you say to them?

    2. SZ

      I'm gonna share two things. One is more inspirational, one is more practical. The first thing is know that you are not broken. It is just a natural part of being human, and you can always choose to change. Yes, it might be hard. Yes, there'll be discomfort, but the beauty of understanding the human brain is knowing that we can rewire it at any time. That's the kind of more empowering, motivational part. The second part is the really pragmatic piece. If you don't know where to start, the first thing I encourage you to do is be clear on where you want to go, not in terms of the achievement, but in terms of who you wanna be, right? What is it gonna look like, that end state? Visualize that. Feel that. Now, a lot of people get stuck there. They just visualize where they wanna be, and then what we found from research is that when you only do that, it saps your energy. When you have this... They call it a positive fantasy about a future. It saps your energy. Why? Because the moment you hit a roadblock-You feel like, "I can't do it." Or there's such a big gap between where you are now, because your pot is small, and where you wanna be, where you're planted in open soil, that you think, "Well, I can't. This is who I am." Not that. You can't identify.

    3. RC

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SZ

      So what we encourage you to do, very pragmatically, is what are all the things that are going to help you get there, but what are all the things that are gonna get in your way of getting there? Write that down. What are all of the blockers that are gonna prevent me achieving that? It might be my family doesn't believe in me. It might be I get bored really easily. It- whatever it is, write it down. And then if you end there, that's gonna be a problem, 'cause you're gonna think, "Oh, gosh, so many things in my way."

    5. RC

      Mm.

    6. SZ

      So the next step is to demonstrate big trust, which is use inversion thinking. What will I do when this happens? Not even if. It's probably a when. When my family starts criticizing me because of XYZ, I'm gonna respond like this. When I get really bored when I'm on the treadmill, I'm going to do this. It's called an implementation intention.

    7. RC

      Mm.

    8. SZ

      And research finds that when you do this, you are more likely to keep at it and to actually achieve the place you wanna be. But you have to be really pragmatic that, yes, things are gonna get in your way. Demonstrate your autonomy. Remind yourself you're worthy. Remind yourself you can do it. It shrinks the fear to size and allows you to genuinely believe in yourself, to have the trust. Because you've anticipated what can get in your way, you know what you're going to do, and so then you just follow your plan.

    9. RC

      Yeah, I, I love that. We talk about being prepared. It's a Scout's motto, isn't it? Be prepared.

    10. SZ

      Yeah.

    11. RC

      But this is really taking that up a notch. It's, it's preparing for the things that are gonna get in your way. Don't just get motivated by an Instagram quote or a podcast-

    12. SZ

      [laughs]

    13. RC

      ... and think, "Oh, my God, that's it, I'm gonna crack it now."

    14. SZ

      Yeah.

    15. RC

      No, there's gonna be obstacles. But when you think about the obstacles, write those obstacles down, and have a strategy for when that obstacle comes. Which means when it does come, you know what you're gonna do about it. Yeah.

    16. SZ

      Exactly.

    17. RC

      Shadé, I absolutely love that. The book is called Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence, and Fuel Success. I think it's gonna help so many people. As well as the book, if people wanna stay in touch with you, where can they find you?

    18. SZ

      So we share content regularly on YouTube, LinkedIn, Instagram. LinkedIn is more for the professional audience. We will always have something for leaders or if you're a part of a team or collaboration. Instagram, we share a lot of content around mindset, confidence, peak performance. And, uh, yeah, if you resonated with this, I really encourage you to get your copy of Big Trust. Also, because I wanna take you back to the beginning, these four attributes, they're not my ideas, they're straight from the literature. And the psychological traits that they rest upon, they are predictive of success, performance, happiness, the amount of money that you make. And the idea is the book is giving people the roadmap to feel more in control, to show up with that big trust energy, and fundamentally change their lives by starting with changing how they see themselves, which means expanding and eliminating the pot that they're in.

    19. RC

      Yeah. Love it. Shadé, great work.

    20. SZ

      Thank you.

    21. RC

      It's gonna help so many people.

    22. SZ

      Thanks.

    23. RC

      Thank you so much for coming on the show.

    24. SZ

      Thank you so much for having me. It's been such a treat. [upbeat music]

    25. RC

      If you enjoyed that conversation, then I think you are really going to enjoy this one.

    26. SP

      Absolute happiness is not anyone's choice. Suffering is part of life by definition. Uh, but choosing to be happier is 100% within your grasp.

Episode duration: 1:58:52

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