This Is Why You Break Every New Year’s Resolution — And How To Finally Stop | Shadé Zahrai

1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

   What would you say is the opposite of self-doubt, which we know is the greatest blocker that we face? What is the opposite of self-doubt?

2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:07

   Self-trust.

3. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:08

   Self-trust. I gave it away. Most people will say confidence. Most people will say self-belief. Some people say clarity. Some people say purpose. It's actually self-trust. But too many people are waiting to feel confident. We think that confidence is the antidote to self-doubt, and that's why so many people are continually putting things off until they feel that sense of readiness.

4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:29

   Mm-hmm.

5. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:29

   When we look at a lot of the literature, we find that that feeling of confidence actually doesn't come first. It comes after you take action, after you do something. Because when you take action, you're getting a proof point, an evidence piece, a view of, "Hey, I can do this. It's not as hard as I thought." It boosts your skill, it boosts your capability, it builds what's called self-efficacy, and that's what creates that sense of confidence, which creates momentum. So if this thing so many people are waiting for happens after the action, there's something that comes first, and it is trusting yourself. Because what we know, my, uh, research over the last five years and looking at decades' worth of literature that exists, meta-analyses, it's found that if you do not fundamentally trust yourself, and there are four dimensions, which I'm sure we'll dive into-

6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:15

   Mm-hmm

7. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:15

   ... if you don't trust yourself across these four dimensions, you will invariably hold back, hesitate, overthink, wait until you feel ready, and you're getting in your own way.

8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:27

   Yeah.

9. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:27

   And even if you achieve success, you're always going to be feeling like something is missing.

10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:32

    Yeah.

11. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:33

    So self-trust is really that ultimate amplifier of everything good in our lives.

12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:37

    Yeah, I, I, I love that. A lot of people listen to this podcast because they want to improve their lives in some way. It could be they want better health, they want to be happier, they want closer relationships. And it's been pretty clear to me over the last few years that actually what lies at the heart of all of those things is the way that we view ourselves. And over the last couple of years, I've been saying in live shows or on this podcast to people that one of the most toxic things I believe you can do is say you're gonna do something and not do it. Because when you say you're gonna do something, which often happens at the start of the new year, and you don't then follow through, I think one of the problems with that is that you show yourself that actually I can't trust myself. 'Cause I said I was gonna do it, and I didn't.

13. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:32

    James Clear has this beautiful quote, and I'm going to butcher it 'cause I don't really remember it, but it's exactly aligned with this. It's the idea that every time you say you'll do something and you do it, you're putting a vote in the ballot box of who you want to become.

14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:43

    Yeah.

15. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:44

    And when you're not showing up consistently and saying, "I'm gonna do this," and then you do it, you're eroding that sense of trust. You're giving yourself evidence that, "Okay, I can't show up for myself. I don't back myself." In fact, there's this really fascinating study that was published in 2014 looking at children and child behavior. I love looking at children's behavior because really-

16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:02

    Mm

17. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:02

    ... our brains are very similar. We've just learned how to manage our emotions a little bit better and maybe think a little bit more logically. So what they did is they had this group of children. With half the group they said, "Can you please help?" With the other half they said, "Can you be a helper?" The group that was asked to help helped far less than the group that was asked to be a helper. Why is that? Because on the one side, we're asking them to do something, "Can you help?" On the other side, we're making it about their identity, about who they are, "I want to be a helper. I want to live up to that." And so when we think about the role of identity and how we see ourselves, our self-image is the blueprint of our entire lives. And so if we're not able to show up for ourselves, take the action, which is a demonstration of self-trust, we are then creating this blueprint that I'm someone who makes promises that I can't keep to myself.

18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:53

    Yeah. It kind of plays into self-limiting beliefs as well, doesn't it? Because if we don't show ourselves that we can keep our word to ourselves, then we, we break that trust. And then our self-talk almost reinforces this negative belief pattern that, you know, "I can never stick to my health goals," you know? "Oh, damn, you know, I bought that book. I was gonna do that four-week plan, and yet again, I didn't do it." The more times that happens, the more we show ourselves with proof that we can't stick to our plans, right? So sometimes I believe that actually New Year's resolutions, whilst for sure for some people they can be helpful, I think for many people they're not. Because they try and bring something in on January the 1st. By the end of January, it has gone. And sometimes I feel that if you've done that for five consecutive years, you've got five successive failures, five successive times where you showed yourself that you can't trust yourself.

19. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:02

    Exactly right. In fact, there was a large scale study where they had something like 8,000 entries, and they found that most people who set a goal on January 1st end up breaking it by day 21.

20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:12

    Yeah.

21. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:12

    And so then we need to be asking ourselves, why is it that so many people have these goals, these resolutions, these things they want to do, even if they're small, and yet they're just not able to follow through? Why is that happening? So we know it's a result of a lack of self-trust. I mean, it could also just be poor discipline. It could be bad habits. It could be other things distracting you. But fundamentally, it comes down to how we see ourselves, which then begs the question, how do we determine how we see ourselves?

22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:39

    Yeah.

23. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:39

    What actually goes into that? And that's what fascinates me, and that's what absolutely piqued my interest, which is what sparked a lot of my own research. How do we measure how we see ourselves?

24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:50

    Yeah.

25. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:50

    This idea of self-trust. Because it influences so many aspects of our lives. As you mentioned, our ability to pursue health goals-

26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:57

    Yeah

27. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:57

    ... our ability to pursue meaningful relationships, our ability to be successful at work and to perform-

28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:02

    Mm

29. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:02

    ... and our ability to be happy all rests upon this thing, this elusive idea of self-trust. What actually is it?

30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:09

    Yeah. I love it. I, I really do. I'm obsessed by thinking about what is it that gets in the way of people making the changes that they desperately wanna make? And, you know, I started off the conversation with that, with that sort of quote that I, I read from you. But it, it's self-trust that separates those who do from those who wish.

Episode duration: 1:58:52