CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 0:30
Avoid “If it were me…”: Don’t impose your belief system on their feelings
Pressman cautions against framing a child’s emotions through the lens of what you would feel or value. That kind of comparison subtly communicates that their feelings are “wrong,” which makes kids less likely to open up about vulnerable topics.
- •Avoid statements like “If it were me, I would’ve felt grateful”
- •Comparisons send the message that feelings should match the parent’s belief system
- •Kids are less likely to share “deep stuff” if they anticipate judgment
- •Goal is to keep the parent as a safe, approachable confidant
- 0:30 – 0:33
Validate first: “I get it” instead of minimizing the problem
Especially with older kids, parents may be tempted to downplay an issue as trivial in the “grand scheme.” Pressman argues it’s more helpful to acknowledge how big it feels right now, which reduces shame and defensiveness.
- •Try empathy statements like “I feel that way too” or “I get it”
- •Resist calling it a “nothing burger” even if it seems small to you
- •Validation helps the child feel seen in the moment
- •Not diminishing feelings keeps communication open
- 0:33 – 0:54
When your reaction shuts them down: The breakup story
Pressman recounts sharing her first breakup with her mom, who cried in response. Even though it was sensitive and loving, it inadvertently taught her that her feelings were too heavy for her parent to handle.
- •A parent’s visible distress can signal “this emotion is too much”
- •Kids may interpret parental tears as a limit on what’s acceptable to share
- •Intent can be kind while impact still discourages openness
- •Emotional safety includes the parent’s ability to stay steady
- 0:54 – 1:24
What to say instead: Comfort, presence, and practical care
She offers an alternative response centered on steady support and companionship. Rather than making it about the parent’s feelings, focus on being there and providing small nurturing comforts.
- •Use supportive language: “This is so hard. I’m here.”
- •Offer comforting rituals (sad movies, a snack) to co-regulate
- •Keep the spotlight on the child’s experience rather than the parent’s reaction
- •Practical care can communicate safety and connection
- 1:24 – 1:30
Follow up later: Invite reflection, then offer wisdom only if welcomed
After the initial emotional wave, Pressman suggests checking back in days or weeks later to see how the child is doing. If they’re ready—and only if they’re receptive—then you can gently share perspective or advice.
- •Revisit later with curiosity: “I’ve been thinking about it—how’s it going?”
- •Look for signals they’re feeling better or still struggling
- •Offer guidance as an option, not a lecture
- •Timing matters: regulate first, problem-solve second
