At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Avoid these four words to keep kids emotionally openhearted conversations
- Aliza Pressman advises parents to avoid framing a child’s feelings through the parent’s value lens (e.g., implying they should feel grateful), because it shuts down vulnerability.
- She recommends validating emotions with empathic statements (“I feel that way too,” “I get it”) to communicate that the child’s experience makes sense in the moment.
- The conversation highlights how adult minimization of “small” problems can backfire, especially for older kids facing intense emotions that feel huge to them.
- Pressman shares a personal example where her mother crying during a breakup made her feel her emotions were “too much,” illustrating how parental reactions can unintentionally signal that not all feelings are welcome.
- A better approach is steady presence and practical comfort first, then later checking in and offering wisdom only with the child’s permission and readiness.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasDon’t prescribe the “right” emotion to your child.
Saying things like “If it were me, I would’ve felt grateful” communicates that feelings should match your belief system, which makes kids less likely to share deeper issues with you.
Lead with empathy that matches their emotional intensity.
Phrases like “I get it” acknowledge that what they’re experiencing feels big right now, even if you think it will matter less over time.
Minimizing (“nothing burger”) erodes trust during hard moments.
Especially with older kids, dismissing the problem’s significance can feel like dismissing them, reducing the chance they’ll come to you next time.
Your emotional reaction can accidentally make their feelings feel unsafe.
Pressman’s breakup story shows that even well-intended parental tears can signal that the child’s emotions are too heavy for the parent to handle.
Offer steady presence and concrete comfort before advice.
Supportive actions—being there, sharing comfort rituals (snack, sad movies), and staying calm—communicate “all feelings are welcome” more than immediate solutions do.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesI would avoid saying things like, "If it were me, I would've felt grateful," you know?
— Aliza Pressman
Nobody wants to talk to that person about their deep stuff, and we want our kids to come to us.
— Aliza Pressman
It feels better that you're not diminishing how big it feels for them in that moment.
— Aliza Pressman
And I was like, "Well, this is not all feelings are welcome."
— Aliza Pressman
I would've preferred had she said, "This is so hard. I'm here. Let's watch a bunch of sad movies. I'll make you a snack."
— Aliza Pressman
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
