Four words you should never say to your kids!

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Avoid “If it were me…”: Don’t impose your belief system on their feelings

   1. APAliza Pressman0:00

      I would avoid saying things like, "If it were me, I would've felt grateful," you know? Because you're just continuing to give messages of your belief that, like, how a person feels should be dictated by your belief system. Nobody wants to talk to that person about their deep stuff, and we want our kids to come to us. I would also say something like, "I, I, um, I feel that way, too. I get it." Especially with older kids, as they start to have kind of really hard stuff where you want to say, "This is a

2. 0:30 – 0:33

   Validate first: “I get it” instead of minimizing the problem

   1. APAliza Pressman0:30

      nothing burger [laughs] in your grand scheme of life."

   2. SPSpeaker0:33

      Yeah.

3. 0:33 – 0:54

   When your reaction shuts them down: The breakup story

   1. APAliza Pressman0:33

      It feels better that you're not diminishing how big it feels for them in that moment. And on the flip side, the first time I had a bad breakup, like my first boyfriend breakup, I was so sad. And I told my mom, and she cried. And I was like, "Well, this is not all feelings are welcome." [laughs]

   2. SPSpeaker0:53

      [laughs]

4. 0:54 – 1:24

   What to say instead: Comfort, presence, and practical care

   1. APAliza Pressman0:54

      Because clearly my feelings are too hard for her to experience. She welled up with tears, and it was in the sweetest, most sensitive way, so it can come across in different ways. I would've preferred had she said, "This is so hard. I'm here. Let's watch a bunch of sad movies. I'll make you a snack." You might a few days or a few weeks later say, "You know, I've been thinking about it. I wanna, I just wanted to see what's happening for you. How's it going?" And then if she's still sad or if you're getting some hints at feeling better,

5. 1:24 – 1:30

   Follow up later: Invite reflection, then offer wisdom only if welcomed

   1. APAliza Pressman1:24

      then you might offer that you do have some wisdom, if she's up for it.

   2. SPSpeaker1:29

      Sage advice.

Episode duration: 1:30