Were you raised to challenge authority?

@estherperel is a psychotherapist known for her innovative approach to relationships. In this episode, Adam and Esther discuss the relational baggage we all carry through our lives and into our work, and how our differing personalities and relationship styles can affect collaboration and culture. They break down the differences between relationship- and task-oriented personalities, and consider the fine balance between risk-taking and rule-following that makes for a healthy relationship with ourselves and others. Join us in person at a TED conference: https://tedtalks.social/events Become a TED Member to support our mission: https://ted.com/membership Subscribe to a TED newsletter: https://ted.com/newsletters Follow our podcasts! Podcasts: https://www.ted.com/podcasts Fixable: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/fixable How to Be a Better Human: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/how-to-be-a-better-human ReThinking with Adam Grant: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/rethinking-with-adam-grant TED Talks Daily: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/ted-talks-daily TED Business: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/ted_business TED Health: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/ted-health TED Tech: https://www.ted.com/podcasts/ted-tech The TED Audio Collective is a collection of podcasts for the curious. The TED Audio Collective videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy (https://www.ted.com/about/our-organiz...). For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at https://media-requests.ted.com.

Esther Perelguest

Mar 3, 20261mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

2 min read · 344 words

0:00 – 0:15
Autonomy vs. loyalty: the two core upbringing templates
1. EPEsther Perel
  I often will ask people, were you raised primarily for autonomy and self-reliance, or would you say that you were raised more for loyalty and interdependence? Raised for autonomy and self-reliance often involves-- it, it's not always in the message.
0:15 – 0:30
The self-reliant mindset and its inner script
1. EPEsther Perel
  It's sometimes in the circumstances of one's life that you were just left to your own devices. But you have a message in your head, "I've got my own legs to stand on. I have to be the one to do it. Nobody can do it as well as me." When you have a problem, start thinking, "What can I do?" And
0:30 – 0:45
How upbringing shapes your relationship to authority
1. EPEsther Perel
  in-baked in that is also, how did you deal with authority? Was-- Did, did you learn to challenge it? Did you learn to succumb to it? Did you learn to be, uh, obedient, compliant? Did you fight it all the time? Did you trust it? Did you distrust
0:45 – 1:00
Authority experiences extend beyond parents
1. EPEsther Perel
  it? Did you think it was an authority that betrayed you? And that can be parents or parental figures. It can be teachers, coaches. It's not just, you know, the, the nuclear family. It, it really goes much further. And if you're raised for loyalty and
1:00 – 1:15
Interdependence: identity embedded in a network
1. EPEsther Perel
  in-interdependence, your self is embedded in a network of connections. It's not your own two feet. It's my problem is, is, is everybody else's problem, too, and my happiness, my decisions are measured by how they affect others, not just what's good for me.
1:15 – 1:31
Worldviews that travel: bringing your upbringing into work
1. EPEsther Perel
  These kind of worldviews, they really are more than just, uh, uh, their Weltanschauung, as they used to call it in German, really y-travel with you. They travel with you to work, and when you have had a bad relationship with a m-a
1:31 – 1:51
Manager conflicts aren’t only about the manager
1. EPEsther Perel
  manager or a boss, it's not just because the boss was acting a certain way. It's also because of how you interpreted and how you responded to what the boss was doing. The same boss can often be liked by some and dis-totally disliked by others because a relationship is not just one person's personality. It's the dance between two personalities.