Why Your New Years Resolutions NEVER STICK! 3 Research-based Principles ✨ | Shadé Zahrai

1. 0:00 – 0:41

   Intro

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

      Living the dream. Living a life you love living. What does that mean to you? What would that look like for you? Now, whatever it is, I guarantee you it is not a destination. It's not an outcome. It's actually not an end state, but a feeling. It's about creating a life you love living here and now, a life that you're excited to wake up for, and importantly, a life that you're enjoying every step of the journey. Because we only live once. Every day that passes, we never get back. So in this episode, I want to invite you to set your 2022 New Year's intentions with me. Because as we know, New Year's resolutions more often than not become New Year's failures, and we really wanna focus here on how to create a life you love in

2. 0:41 – 1:47

   Your Dream Life

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:41

      2022. So a question for you: what is your actual definition of a life you love living, your dream life? Have you ever really thought about it? Defined it? When I asked my social media audience, "What does your dream life look like to you?" I had responses like, "Comfortable and happy with what I've achieved. Happiness in my surroundings. Peaceful. Happy, confident, peaceful, full of life." So there were definitely some consistent themes here, and I'll admit I was pretty impressed, because when I've asked other audiences, I usually get things like, "An extra four zeros in my bank account. A loving husband and four cute kids. The corner office and double my current salary." So I do think the responses I received from my audience are largely because I have such a beautiful social media community. But in any case, I followed up with a second question. I asked, "How will you feel when you achieve your dream life?" And I received responses of, "Relieved, like a heavy boulder lifted off my chest. Thankful and faithful. Accomplished and happy. Satisfied. Complete." So clearly we have a desire to achieve, to be someone, to reach that end goal, that dream life, and we've

3. 1:47 – 2:56

   You’re at the Mercy of what you Consume

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:47

      attached all sorts of positive emotions to achievement of that end state. I was interested in one final question from my audience: "How will you feel if you don't achieve your dream life?" And responses included, "No confidence with low self-esteem. Disappointed in myself. Stuck. Worthless. Broken." You see, we're at the mercy of what we consume, and we're constantly consuming marketing messages about what we should want, societal conditioning about what success looks like, and media portrayals of what it means to be happy. And when we don't measure up to these, we conclude that something must be wrong with us, and we blame ourselves. We feel like we are the problem. We're broken. And because of that, we're worthless. We're defective in some way. But here's the thing: the problem doesn't lie with you, but with the lies society has been feeding you about what truly makes you happy. And we see this in our lives. When many of us reach those goals that we've set for ourselves, we've worked hard, we're persistent, we're determined, we're consistent, and we finally get there, and yet we're wondering why we don't feel the satisfaction or the fulfillment that we thought we would. Why don't things feel any different?

4. 2:56 – 4:31

   The Hedonic Treadmill & Achievement Orientation

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:56

      When I asked, "How will it feel when you achieve your dream life?" someone responded, "To be frank, I'll feel really excited, but then I will set other intentions to move ahead." A very honest and telling answer. It's actually known as the Hedonic Treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, and it's this tendency for people to quickly return to a relatively stationary level of happiness or a set point in spite of experiencing major positive or negative events or life changes. So you achieve the promotion or you achieve stellar business success, and it feels great for a little while, and you get that dopamine hit for the achievement of the goal, but then it fades. And you're then left thinking, "Okay, well, what next?" It's an achievement orientation, and it doesn't lead to happiness. In fact, it does quite the opposite, and it strips you of your happiness. It's hedonism, the pursuit of short-term pleasure. We are so focused on external achievements and destinations and not enough on internal lasting states. It's so important that we learn to live a life that lights us up and allows us to feel true joy, happiness, and freedom, and not feel like we have to be somewhere or have achieved certain things in order to be a success. Society will have us believe that there is a set path that we have to follow, and if we don't, then we've fallen behind. We're deviant. Don't believe it. What I hope is that as we go through the three principles I'm going to share with you, you'll be reminded that life is so much more than the final destination. Living a life you love is a practice. It's not an end goal. It's not an outcome, but a process. And it requires a conscious decision to look for and find the beauty in every moment.

5. 4:31 – 4:40

   3 Principles to Set your New Year Intentions for your Dream Life

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai4:31

      So here are three principles to help you set your New Year's intentions and actually achieve them while living your dream life instead of waiting to one day arrive at it.

6. 4:40 – 6:32

   PRINCIPLE 1: Appreciate how far you’ve come

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai4:40

      Principle one: appreciate how far you've come. So let's say you're a swimmer in the Olympics and you won a medal. Do you think you'd be happier if you received a silver medal or if you received bronze? You'd think you'd be happier if you came second instead of third, but an initial study from 1995 published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and then explored again in 2021 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists after competition in Olympic events. And this was specifically looking at individual competitions. Why is this? Well, one reason that's proposed is that silver medalists tend to compare themselves upwards, thinking, "I could have won. I could have placed first." This is called upward counterfactual thinking, and it leads to less satisfaction and more disappointment. As comedian Jerry Seinfeld explained in one of his stand-up routines...

   2. SPSpeaker5:32

      You know, you win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, "Well, at least I got something." But you win that silver, that's like, "Congratulations, you almost won. [laughs] Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. [laughs] You're the number one loser. [laughs] No one lost ahead of you." [laughs]

   3. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:56

      The fact is, we all have a tendency to imagine alternatives to reality, the what-ifs and the if onlys that often accompany defining moments in our lives. And we're all inclined to ponder what might have been if just one circumstance was different. And then when we focus on the gap between where we are now and where we wish we were, it can strip us of our confidence and our happiness, leading us to disappointment. So make sure before you even start your 2022 intentions that you actually celebrate what you've been through, how you've grown, how you evolved. It doesn't mean that you lose your drive or your passion, but you're intentional about your focus.

7. 6:32 – 7:42

   Self-Acceptance vs Self-Improvement Goals

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:32

      An interesting second point comes from a 2021 study in Information, Communication & Society, which specifically looked at how people all around the world use social media as a tool to publicly express what they care about in the form of their New Year's resolutions. As we know, people make a public declaration of their New Year's goals on their social platforms. At least many do. And among many things, the study actually found that there are two forms that these goals take: self-acceptance goals. For example, "I resist the pressure to change who I am for the sake of society, and I'll be true to myself." Versus self-improvement goals: "I want to be better than I am now, so I will change myself." What I encourage you to do is to think about combining the two. How can you practice self-acceptance and appreciate the growth that you've gone through while still desiring for ongoing growth? That's the best way to make sure that you're compassionate and yet ever improving yourself. Now we move to principle number two: focus on what you want, not what you don't. A 2020 study published in PLOS One tracked the success rates of participants who set New Year's resolutions based on whether they set resolutions to approach a positive end state, like to have a strong quarter with my soccer team,

8. 7:42 – 9:12

   PRINCIPLE 2: Focus on what you Want, not what you Don’t Want

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai7:42

      versus to avoid a negative end state, like not to fail. Those who set approach goals and focus on what they wanted instead of what they don't want were significantly more likely to maintain and achieve their resolutions, with almost 60% of them considering themselves successful. So when creating your intentions, and you'll notice I say intentions rather than resolutions, because an intention is broader and it reflects an approach that can be more aligned with your dream life. So when you create your own intentions for 2022, craft them based on what you're hoping to achieve, the benefit. The study found that the first, second, and third most common New Year's resolutions related to improving physical health, weight loss, and eating healthier. I actually saw at my old gym they'd encouraged members to write their resolutions on the mirror, which I thought was a really lovely idea. And I saw one of them that said, "Lose 30 pounds and not be fat." Her words, not mine. This person was focusing on what she didn't want. It was an avoidance goal, and we know that avoidance goals are not that effective. So instead, she could frame it from the perspective of what communication expert Andy Bounds calls the after effects. What is the benefit of you losing 30 pounds? What will that give you afterwards? How will that impact your life? So instead, she could frame it as, "To live a healthy life and feel more empowered about my physical wellness." Framing it as a benefit is far more motivating and encouraging. And then of course, you can get specific about how you will live a healthy life. For example, four gym workouts a week.

9. 9:12 – 9:41

   PRINCIPLE 3: Think Big Picture, then Little Picture

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai9:12

      And now we move to principle number three: think big picture, then little picture. This is a really obvious one, but it's worth mentioning again. Whatever your dream life, you wanna make sure that it links to your higher purpose, the big picture reason for your existence. And we know from psychology literature and research that an enduring sense of purpose has two components. It has to be both personally meaningful, and secondly, it has to be of benefit to something other than the self, something other than you.

10. 9:41 – 12:02

    Superordinate vs Subordinate goals

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai9:41

       When you have this, which is called a superordinate goal, it increases your commitment. It helps you resist temptation. You're more motivated to achieve it because it's aligned with who you are or who you wanna become, and it's aligned to your sense of self. So is your superordinate higher purpose goal that helps you live aligned to your dream life, is it linked to being of service to others, making a difference, leaving a legacy, instigating some kind of positive change? When you're pursuing your higher purpose, you experience a form of deeper happiness called eudaimonia, the fulfillment derived from pursuing purposeful activities. Then you want to come down from your big picture superordinate goal into the little picture. This is called your subordinate goals. And this is where you become really clear on the behaviors that you need to change or start to actually help you living aligned to your higher purpose, that superordinate goal that you have, the big picture dream vision that you want for yourself. When you're clear on both of these, just like the 2020 research published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being found, you'll apply more effort to achieve your goals, and you'll be more likely to see them through. And remember, it's not about waiting until we have everything lined up until we can finally feel happy, feel fulfilled, and feel like we've achieved something. Why put off your happiness when you know that when you get there to the destination, sure, you might feel good for a short while thanks to the dopamine hit, but achievement of goals alone does not lead to lasting happiness. Focus on bringing joy to your life each day. See the beauty in the small things. Focus on what's within your control, and find ways to be of service to others, whatever that looks like for you. That alone can be a powerful motivating force and can give your life meaning. And when you have meaning, when you're aligned with your higher purpose and crafting that dream life that you just can't wait to live, you might just realize that you don't have to go anywhere to live it. You're actually living it right now. It's all part of your journey. So that's it for this episode. I really hope you enjoyed it and you have some ideas about how to think differently about creating your dream life and getting really purposeful about your intentions for 2022 and beyond. Wishing you an amazing end to the year and endless happiness and fulfillment. [outro music]

Episode duration: 12:03