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Simon SinekSimon Sinek

What Is Your Team Afraid to Tell You? | A Bit of Optimism: Feelings at Work | PART 3

*Giving and receiving feedback is one of the hardest things we do at work and most of us just... avoid it.* But avoiding feedback has a cost. Everything you need to grow is already in the room and it's just sitting in your blind spot. Your colleagues can see it. Your boss can see it. And nobody will tell you, unless you learn to ask. *Feelings at Work* is a special five-part series from *A Bit of Optimism,* where Simon Sinek and Alex Simon, founder of LifeShop, explore the human skills that shape how we work, lead, and build relationships. Together, they unpack the emotional challenges most of us face every day—from people pleasing and listening to giving feedback, taking accountability, and having difficult conversations. In this episode, Alex and Simon take on feedback: how to give it, how to take it, and how to ask for it. You’ll discover ways to give feedback people can actually hear, receive criticism without taking it personally, and build a feedback culture on any team. Alex and Simon share practical techniques like the one-word ritual Simon borrowed from the Air Force that made his whole company crave critiques, the “FBI” method for delivering hard feedback without blowing up relationships, and questions Alex asks her team to surface everything left unsaid, like "What are you afraid to tell me?" *In this episode you'll learn:* ➡️ Why we avoid giving feedback + what that avoidance quietly costs our teams ➡️ "Spears": the Air Force ritual that turns criticism into something people actually want ➡️ The “FBI” (Feelings, Behavior, Impact) method for giving feedback people can actually hear ➡️ The Army Rangers' peer assessment’s "foxhole question" + what it reveals about character ➡️ How to think of feedback as preventative care and build that muscle ➡️ Why everyone receives feedback differently (+ how to give people what they need) ➡️ When to give feedback (hint: never the moment you think of it) ➡️ The four-word habit that builds a thick skin: "What can I do better?" Whether you're leading a team, managing up, or just tired of side-texting about a problem no one will name out loud, feedback is one of the most valuable skills you can build. And remember: feedback is kind, even when it’s not nice. *This... is A Bit of Optimism.* + + + *CHAPTERS* 00:00 The Spinach in Your Teeth Problem: Why We Avoid Giving Feedback 02:33 The Feedback Technique That Changed Everything 03:26 What to Do When Feedback Goes Wrong 06:08 What a Strong Feedback Culture Looks Like 08:05 The "Nice" Company That Was Actually Cruel: Feedback Avoidance 10:35 The Army Rangers' Three-Level Evaluation System 14:24 Why Giving Feedback Feels So Hard 16:46 Spears: The Culture-Changing Feedback Mechanism 22:28 FBI: The Three-Part Formula for Giving Difficult Feedback 27:16 Recognition Languages: How Different People Want to Be Celebrated 34:10 How to Schedule Feedback into Your Routine 39:52 The Collaboration Meeting: Preventing Problems Before They Start 42:34 The Air Force Commander Who Learned When NOT to Give Feedback 49:08 Building the Feedback Muscle: From Painful to Empowering 52:57 One Simple Question: What Can I Do Better? + + + Website: http://simonsinek.com/ Leaderful: https://simonsinek.com/leaderful Podcast: http://apple.co/simonsinek Instagram: https://instagram.com/simonsinek/ Linkedin: https://linkedin.com/in/simonsinek/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/simonsinek Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek + + + *About Alex Simon* Alex Simon is the founder of Lifeshop, a school for adult emotional education and teaches emotional intelligence at Yale University. She teaches the emotional and communication skills we all should've learned in school—but didn't. She facilitates experiential workshops on how to have hard conversations, stop people pleasing, listen better, navigate major life transitions, and build healthier relationships. Her sessions are practical, deeply connective, and somehow shockingly fun. When she was 27, Alex created *The Self & Other: In Theory and Practice,* one of Yale's most sought-after courses. In 2025, she founded Lifeshop in New York to bring emotional education beyond the classroom and into everyday life. She also launched The School of Life in New York and leads workshops for organizations around the world. Before dedicating her career to emotional education, Alex worked as a management consultant at Bain and held strategy and operations roles across industries. She has also lived and trained at Plum Village and Esalen and completed dozens of programs in mindfulness, communication, and personal development.

Alex SimonhostSimon Sinekhost
Jul 28, 202657mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Build a feedback culture with spears, FBI, and better timing

  1. They frame feedback avoidance as the “spinach in your teeth” problem—teams vent sideways instead of telling the person who can actually fix the issue.
  2. Sinek shares a simple cultural mechanism from the Air Force—asking for “Spears?”—to depersonalize critique and make people actively want input on their work.
  3. They present the FBI feedback model (Feelings–Behavior–Impact) as a structured way to deliver difficult messages with specificity, accountability, and less defensiveness.
  4. They argue that strong feedback cultures require cadence and preparation (biweekly check-ins, written prep, onboarding alignment conversations), not just annual performance reviews.
  5. They emphasize feedback is “kind, not always nice,” and that learning to receive feedback—through gratitude, curiosity, and asking “What can I do better?”—is essential to sustaining openness.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Feedback withheld becomes resentment—and blocks improvement.

The transcript highlights how teams often side-text and complain, leaving the person unaware of their blind spots; direct, skillful feedback prevents repeated issues and passive-aggressive cultures.

Ask permission and tailor delivery to the receiver’s needs.

Sinek’s conflict example resolves when he starts with “Can I give you some feedback?” and allows scheduling; preparation reduces defensiveness and makes harder feedback tolerable.

Use “Spears” to make critique routine and non-personal.

Ending presentations with “Spears?” signals “attack the work, not me,” creating an always-on improvement loop and training people to crave input rather than fear it.

Deliver hard feedback with FBI: Feelings, Behavior, Impact.

Naming your emotion, citing a specific behavior (time-stamped example), and clarifying consequences makes feedback clearer and harder to deflect than vague judgments or “always/never” language.

Time feedback to protect performance and morale.

The Air Force commander story shows constant mid-action correction can ruin flow; noting issues and debriefing afterward (unless mission-critical) improves receptivity and preserves dignity.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

Feedback only works when a human being looks another human being in the eye and says, "I care about you enough to tell you this."

— Simon Sinek

I have feedback with my manager once a year for my performance review." And I said, "That's bananas. When are you supposed to bring things up? Like, how are you, how are you supposed to fix things?" And she said, "We don't."

— Alex Simon

Everybody's nice, and nobody tells you anything.

— Simon Sinek

At the end of the presentation, they went, "Spears?" And what they meant was, "Here's my work. Throw spears at it. Make it better."

— Simon Sinek

The way I would summarize this conversation is that feedback is kind, even if it's not nice.

— Simon Sinek

The “spinach in your teeth” feedback avoidance patternDepersonalizing critique with “Spears?”FBI model: Feelings–Behavior–ImpactSpecificity vs “always/never” generalizationsPower dynamics and “whispers become shouts”Recognition languages and “credit is free”Cadence, preparation, and timing (debrief vs in-the-moment)

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