If You Ruled the World: Listener Grab Bag | What Now? with Trevor Noah Podcast

Trevor Noah 0:00 [upbeat music]

Trevor Noah 0:01 You're listening to What Now? with Trevor Noah. So it's Thanksgiving week here in the United States. And guess what? We have a little bonus episode just for you, perfect to help spark a conversation at your Thanksgiving table. Yeah, and, and, and hopefully, hopefully, a conversation that won't lead to someone storming out of the room. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know that one of our favorite games is If I Ruled the World, and you probably know how it works. Everyone comes up with one suggestion. If you were in charge of the world, you could do anything, anything you want. What would it be? What would you change? You make your case, and then everyone votes on it. And if you get enough votes, that change would happen in your hypothetical world. Well, today, it's If I Ruled the World: Listener Edition. We got a bunch of suggestions for ideas from you, the What Now? listeners, and Christiana Mbakwe Medina, Josh Johnson, and I, well, we run through them, and we decide if we would, in fact, wanna live in your world. It's a fun one, so let's get into it. [upbeat music] This is What Now? With Trevor Noah. So before we get into today's If I Ruled the World chat, since it's Thanksgiving week, I've been thinking a lot about the kinds of conversations we have when we gather with friends and loved ones around the table. And a lot of people ask me this question. They'll say, "Oh, Trevor, what do you do with your family? Like, how do you keep it light?" And look, I don't have a perfect answer for this, but I noticed there was a distinct difference in how some people started having their Thanksgiving conversations, especially over the past decade, let's say, and how we would gather with family members back in the day in South Africa. And the biggest one was, we started all our conversations speaking about things that we all experienced, just taking people down memory lane, you know, connecting around, like, crazy stories. Like, you know, grandparents would talk about the grandkids and how much they'd grown and, like, embarrassing stories from their lives and, you know. And then the parents would talk about their first time having a, a Christmas dinner, 'cause obviously we didn't have Thanksgiving in South Africa. But we had family gatherings and family dinners where everyone came together at a certain time of year. And what I noticed is, if you start conversations with the fond memories that connect people, you spend less time in the politics of now that divides people. And it doesn't mean you can't talk about politics, I'm not saying that, but just remember what you're trying to do. You're trying to connect with other human beings around a table sharing a meal. Doesn't matter what the holiday is. That's fundamentally the purpose. And so if that's the purpose, think about the best way to go about that. It's finding a way to connect with another human being's heart, and a lot of the times, our memories are where our heart lives. So I don't know. Try it. You know? Ask your parents about a funny story from when you were young that maybe you've forgotten about. Tell them to share something embarrassing about you that maybe you didn't know about, you know? And, and then you can tell them a story from your childhood, something that you got away with that you always [laughs] hoped they would never find out. And I don't know. Let's connect and, and see if we can make this one a little less about politics and a little bit more about the human beings connecting around this time of year. Um, and maybe this will give you some inspiration. Play a round of If I Ruled the World with your friends and family and see if things stay a little more fun and insightful, right? And remember to think big. Think about crazy. Think just completely out of the box. In fact, if you want inspiration, take a listen to me, Christiana, and Josh right after this short break. [upbeat music] Well, look at that. We're in the real world now. Here are a few that came in. I'm gonna read them to you. I mean, we're still judges, so.

Speaker 4:23 Reading and reacting.

Trevor Noah 4:25 I will read them to you, and then we'll vote on them.

Speaker 4:27 Okay.

Trevor Noah 4:28 Okay. First suggestion, "If I ruled the world, all airplanes would board from back to front, and we'd remove all Wi-Fi from planes."

Speaker 4:39 No.

Speaker 4:40 I mean, they had me with the first sentence.

Speaker 4:42 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4:42 I don't know why they would ruin it with the second one.

Speaker 4:44 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 4:45 What, you want the Wi-Fi?

Speaker 4:47 Yeah.

Speaker 4:47 I, I disagree with both.

Trevor Noah 4:48 [laughs]

Speaker 4:50 [laughs]

Speaker 4:51 I just started flying business class-

Trevor Noah 4:53 [laughs]

Speaker 4:53 [laughs]

Speaker 4:53 ... and now you guys wanna take it away from me. [laughs]

Trevor Noah 4:57 It's just Wi-Fi, though.

Speaker 4:58 Yeah, but if you're in the business class and you board later, that's more time to be in the lounge potentially. If you really think about this as, like, a real champagne capitalist, right?

Speaker 5:08 Okay.

Speaker 5:09 Let all the poors get on first, right?

Speaker 5:11 Then what's the point of the capitalism if you're not treated better?

Trevor Noah 5:14 No, no. Josh is saying-

Speaker 5:15 No, you are treated better

Trevor Noah 5:15 ... you are treated better 'cause you get to, to in a lounge for longer.

Speaker 5:17 Yeah.

Speaker 5:18 No, but then you lose the overhead space.

Trevor Noah 5:20 No, you don't-

Speaker 5:20 No, no

Trevor Noah 5:20 ... 'cause they save it for business class.

Speaker 5:22 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 5:22 They're supposed to save it. Mm.

Speaker 5:23 The only people who lose it are the people in the middle. They're screwed-

Speaker 5:26 [laughs]

Speaker 5:26 ... no matter who [laughs] boards.

Speaker 5:27 And they paid more for their ticket, by the way.

Trevor Noah 5:28 Yeah.

Speaker 5:29 They did, actually. It's crazy.

Trevor Noah 5:30 They did, actually.

Speaker 5:30 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 5:32 So you're a no?

Speaker 5:33 Absolutely not. And I want Wi-Fi on a plane.

Trevor Noah 5:36 You like Wi-Fi on a plane?

Speaker 5:37 Yes.

Trevor Noah 5:37 Wow.

Speaker 5:37 I'm on, I'm on TikTok. I'm on Instagram. I'm scrolling. I'm in the family WhatsApp group.

Trevor Noah 5:42 Christiana, we need to discuss your habitual connectedness.

Speaker 5:45 Oh, yeah. I'm heavily online. Probably-

Trevor Noah 5:46 You know, that's the one time where I'm gone, gone, gone, gone in ways that you cannot even imagine.

Speaker 5:50 Yeah.

Speaker 5:50 Why?

Trevor Noah 5:51 Go- No. When I'm on a plane, I'm like, "Guys, there is nothing that needs me on a plane. I'm gone." I have, like, that old vibe to it where I'm just like, "Ah, he's on a plane." You know who I'm like? Remember Justine Sacco?

Speaker 6:02 Oh, yeah. It's texts about the AIDS-

Trevor Noah 6:03 The girl... Yeah, the girl who made the joke-

Speaker 6:04 Sweet

Trevor Noah 6:04 ... the woman who made the joke-

Speaker 6:05 Yeah

Trevor Noah 6:05 ... was, like, going to Africa.

Speaker 6:06 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 6:06 "Hope I don't get AIDS. Lol, just joking, I'm white." And then landed in Africa, and her family was like, "You need to go back to America."

Speaker 6:12 [laughs]

Speaker 6:13 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 6:13 And the whole world was like, "You're fired, and we hate you."

Speaker 6:15 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 6:16 I live that kind of life. I don't wanna know anything that's happening on the ground because I'm on a plane.

Speaker 6:22 Mm.

Trevor Noah 6:22 Even if, like, an asteroid hit, it's none of my business.

Speaker 6:25 Mm.

Trevor Noah 6:26 I'm on a plane.

Speaker 6:27 Mm.

Speaker 6:27 It's nice to be unreachable.

Trevor Noah 6:30 Yes.

Speaker 6:30 So I agree with that, and that's why I would say even though I'm not fully in favor of the Wi-Fi thing, there are certain movies that I don't even try to watch unless I'm on a plane. There's, there's gotta watch it right away, wait till it comes out on-

Trevor Noah 6:44 Yeah

Speaker 6:44 ... streaming, plane.

Trevor Noah 6:46 Yes.

Speaker 6:46 And so I think if I had Wi-Fi on the plane, I wouldn't-

Trevor Noah 6:49 You wouldn't watch them

Speaker 6:50 ... I wouldn't watch them.

Trevor Noah 6:51 Yeah.

Speaker 6:51 Mm.

Speaker 6:51 So I'll go fully yes with this.

Trevor Noah 6:54 No Wi-Fi, but then Christiana voted no on it. And then-

Speaker 6:56 No on both proposals

Trevor Noah 6:58 ... and then, okay. And board from back to front, you and Josh?

Speaker 7:00 You have to board from back to front because the chaos that happens that the way that we do it now-

Trevor Noah 7:06 Yes

Speaker 7:06 ... we're, we're late every time. They have to make up time in the air on the last, like, five flights I've been on because we get to the back, and they said that it was full. But then everybody's like, "I'll risk it."

Speaker 7:17 [laughs]

Speaker 7:18 And they're sitting in all these different areas.

Trevor Noah 7:20 [laughs]

Speaker 7:21 And so now people have to go to the back 'cause that's the only place there's any space, but then people who finally get to the back who were boarding last 'cause they're group Z, they're the ones that are like, "But this should've been my space." Now there's an argument. You gotta board back to front.

Trevor Noah 7:35 So I, I, I've seen somebody, um, deal with this. I guess there were, like, a, a... I don't know what level of math you have to be doing.

Speaker 7:42 Mm-hmm.

Trevor Noah 7:43 But apparently the best way is not back to front, and it's not front to back. Because if you do back to front, there's also gonna be issues apparently.

Speaker 7:49 Mm-hmm.

Trevor Noah 7:50 So your problem would come in when you're actually boarding. 'Cause now Josh is seat 30. I'm 29, you're 28. But if I get on the plane and then Christiana does, and then you, you're still gonna have people blocking each other.

Speaker 7:59 There's still the gridlock.

Trevor Noah 8:00 Yeah.

Speaker 8:01 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 8:01 So-

Speaker 8:01 Mm

Trevor Noah 8:01 ... you'd have to line people up outside by their seat, by their row.

Speaker 8:05 Mm.

Trevor Noah 8:05 And then you don't have enough space in the airport to do that. So that's why it fails. The real way you're supposed to do it is actually it's supposed to be, like, alternating seats and alternating sides is how the plane is supposed to board from, like, just, like, left, left, right, right-

Speaker 8:18 Mm

Trevor Noah 8:18 ... but, like, flip one.

Speaker 8:19 Mm.

Trevor Noah 8:19 Skip one.

Speaker 8:20 Mm-hmm.

Trevor Noah 8:20 It's very complicated. It's not gonna happen. So whoever sent that in, thank you very much for listening to the podcast.

Speaker 8:25 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 8:25 But it's a no.

Speaker 8:25 Thank you. Yeah.

Trevor Noah 8:26 Uh,

Trevor Noah 8:26 here's a few more. Uh, all bosses are selected by employee vote.

Speaker 8:33 No.

Speaker 8:33 Ooh, that's, that's a beautiful way-

Speaker 8:36 No

Speaker 8:36 ... to lose a company.

Speaker 8:36 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 8:37 [laughs]

Speaker 8:37 That, that's-

Speaker 8:38 Democracy is bad.

Speaker 8:40 Like, you can't-

Trevor Noah 8:40 [laughs]

Speaker 8:40 If you... 'Cause this is the thing. I'm a pretty likable guy. It doesn't mean I'm effective.

Speaker 8:45 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 8:46 Touché, my friend.

Speaker 8:47 Do you know what I mean?

Trevor Noah 8:47 Touché.

Speaker 8:47 So it's like everyone might vote for me to be their boss 'cause they know I won't say no to PTO.

Trevor Noah 8:53 Mm.

Speaker 8:53 No.

Trevor Noah 8:53 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 8:53 So now because I never say no to PTO, I'm the only one at work, and the, the company is losing hella money. We're hemorrhaging.

Speaker 9:00 Yeah. What people should vote on is salaries.

Trevor Noah 9:03 What do you mean?

Speaker 9:03 I think there should be radical salary transparency, like you know what everyone makes.

Trevor Noah 9:08 Yes.

Speaker 9:08 That's wild.

Speaker 9:08 And then-

Speaker 9:09 Yeah

Speaker 9:09 ... like, every year, you know when it's, like, promotions and raises, da, da, da, da, da?

Trevor Noah 9:12 We vote on other people's salaries.

Speaker 9:14 Yeah, so-

Trevor Noah 9:15 Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 9:16 Then, then-

Speaker 9:17 Yeah

Speaker 9:17 ... mind you, people-

Trevor Noah 9:17 You know-

Speaker 9:18 Do you know what it... People will treat each other so well in that office-

Speaker 9:22 Wow

Speaker 9:22 ... because you know-

Trevor Noah 9:23 Or-

Speaker 9:23 Or-

Speaker 9:24 Or-

Trevor Noah 9:24 ... we will have-

Speaker 9:24 ... class warfare. Gang up

Trevor Noah 9:25 ... or we'll have many, many true crime documentaries-

Speaker 9:29 [laughs] No, but from the-

Trevor Noah 9:29 ... where, like, the cause was-

Speaker 9:30 ... including the CEO. You know, like, the CEO's salary is a sign.

Trevor Noah 9:33 Whoo.

Speaker 9:34 The board approves it. I'm saying if we're gonna be voting on anything, it shouldn't be who's the boss. It's like, how much money-

Trevor Noah 9:39 You are, you're literally creating murders.

Speaker 9:41 Class warfare.

Speaker 9:42 No.

Trevor Noah 9:42 You are literally... When I find out that-

Speaker 9:44 People just-

Trevor Noah 9:44 ... Josh voted against my salary bump-

Speaker 9:47 He... Why would he? Unless he shared his, his vote.

Trevor Noah 9:49 I... Let me tell you something.

Speaker 9:51 He wouldn't know.

Trevor Noah 9:51 People are getting killed. You have created an office of murderers. I'm gonna vote no as well 'cause I just think it's ridiculous.

Speaker 9:57 Oh, I'm voting yes, but I know I'm a murderer.

Trevor Noah 9:59 You're voting yes?

Speaker 10:00 Yeah. Class warfare, baby.

Speaker 10:01 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 10:02 Man, whoever you are, you brought out Josh the Joker, the worst version of Josh.

Speaker 10:05 [laughs]

Speaker 10:05 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 10:06 This is the Josh that, like, if he falls into a vat of acid, we're all screwed.

Speaker 10:09 [laughs]

Speaker 10:09 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 10:10 The only thing holding Josh back from this character is that he's still, like, a functioning member of society.

Speaker 10:14 [laughs]

Speaker 10:14 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 10:15 So, uh, that's two, two nos and a yes?

Speaker 10:18 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 10:18 All right.

Speaker 10:18 Okay.

Trevor Noah 10:18 It's a no. Uh, but thank you for listening to the podcast. Um,

Trevor Noah 10:23 next person says, "If I ruled the world, I would ban single-ply toilet paper."

Speaker 10:27 Yes, because it's a, it's a lot like a, a government program where they don't really help you. I would rather have no toilet paper in there than toilet paper I can see through-

Speaker 10:38 Mm

Speaker 10:38 ... when I look at it with, in my hand.

Trevor Noah 10:40 You've clearly only grown up in a first-world country.

Speaker 10:43 What?

Trevor Noah 10:43 Do you guys know there's stuff before toilet paper?

Speaker 10:45 Yeah, like-

Trevor Noah 10:46 Yes. I wiped my ass with newspaper for, like, years of my life.

Speaker 10:49 [laughs]

Speaker 10:49 Newspaper's thicker than one-ply.

Trevor Noah 10:52 Have you ever met the corner of a newspaper that you folded?

Speaker 10:55 [laughs]

Speaker 10:56 Newsp- It, no.

Trevor Noah 10:57 There's no edges on toilet paper.

Speaker 10:59 It's sharp, but it's thicker.

Trevor Noah 11:01 Yeah, sh- sharp in your butt, exactly.

Speaker 11:03 [laughs]

Speaker 11:03 It's thicker.

Trevor Noah 11:03 Sharp in your butt, exactly.

Speaker 11:05 The, the, the-

Trevor Noah 11:06 This is a very first-world opinion. You would rather have no toilet paper?

Speaker 11:10 One-ply is your hand.

Trevor Noah 11:12 I would, I would tell you-

Speaker 11:13 No, it's water

Trevor Noah 11:13 ... I've used my hand. I've used my hand. Have you used your hand?

Speaker 11:16 I've used my hand. Why use one-ply?

Speaker 11:18 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 11:18 First of all, why do people act like you can't fold the toilet paper? What, what crazy world are we living in?

Speaker 11:22 'Cause, well, but, but when you one-

Speaker 11:23 One-ply is also rougher

Speaker 11:23 ... Yeah, when you-

Speaker 11:24 Texture of it is rougher

Speaker 11:24 ... when you try to wrap one-ply-

Trevor Noah 11:26 Yes. Yes, I understand this

Speaker 11:26 ... you can't make two-ply.

Trevor Noah 11:28 Okay.

Speaker 11:28 One plus one-

Trevor Noah 11:29 People-

Speaker 11:29 ... still equals one

Trevor Noah 11:30 ... let me, let me explain something here. One-ply is like flying coach at the back of a plane. It is the least good way to do something, but you are still flying in a plane.

Speaker 11:40 That's what I'm saying.

Trevor Noah 11:40 Everything else is walking or being on, like, a ship.

Speaker 11:44 The way that my fingers have broken through one-ply-

Trevor Noah 11:46 Josh, have you wiped your ass, have you wiped your ass before without toilet paper?

Speaker 11:50 I've had to-

Trevor Noah 11:50 Intentionally.

Speaker 11:52 No, not intentionally.

Trevor Noah 11:53 Intentionally.

Speaker 11:53 I've had to... Yes, I have had to use-

Trevor Noah 11:55 [laughs] Intentionally.

Speaker 11:58 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 11:58 I have, Josh.

Speaker 11:59 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 12:00 I have. Let me tell you something. Don't ever wish toilet paper out of your life.

Speaker 12:04 I'm not saying I wish all the toilet paper out of my life. I'm just saying that one-ply is so bad.

Trevor Noah 12:09 Yeah, you'd ban it, but then now there's, now we have no ply. Okay, I'm ready to vote. Mine is no. Christiana?

Speaker 12:15 Um, no, but 'cause I think it's good for the planet, right?

Trevor Noah 12:18 Yeah.

Speaker 12:18 I don't know how-

Trevor Noah 12:19 Okay

Speaker 12:19 ... trees work, but-

Trevor Noah 12:20 Okay

Speaker 12:20 ... it's less paper, so.

Trevor Noah 12:21 All right. Josh?

Speaker 12:23 Yes, because it's barely real toilet paper.

Trevor Noah 12:26 All right. Well, that's still-

Speaker 12:27 That's right

Trevor Noah 12:27 ... two nos-

Speaker 12:28 Yeah

Trevor Noah 12:28 ... and one yes. Your If I Ruled the World was voted down. [upbeat music]

Speaker 12:32 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 12:32 But thank you very much for listening to the podcast. We really appreciate you. Thank you so much. We're gonna continue this conversation right after this short break. [upbeat music]

Trevor Noah 12:46 All right. Here's another one. If I ruled the world, high schools would start no earlier than 9:00 AM.

Speaker 12:53 That's brilliant.

Speaker 12:55 Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 12:55 Brilliant. Teenagers need sleep.

Speaker 12:57 Yeah.

Speaker 12:57 It's cruel.

Speaker 12:58 That's like, that's like part of the problem, actually.

Speaker 13:00 Part of it, yeah.

Speaker 13:00 There would be more kids in extracurriculars if some of them weren't at, like, 7:00 AM.

Trevor Noah 13:05 Extracurriculars?

Speaker 13:06 Yeah.

Speaker 13:06 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 13:07 So, like, some, some of the clubs, like for instance, I did Quiz Bowl when I was in high school.

Trevor Noah 13:12 You did what?

Speaker 13:12 It's like trivia for high sc- I was a virgin.

Speaker 13:15 [laughs]

Speaker 13:15 So.

Trevor Noah 13:16 You did what? What is-

Speaker 13:17 Oh, no, sorry

Trevor Noah 13:17 ... I, I just wanna know what this is.

Speaker 13:19 Quiz Bowl is, like, um, okay, it's like imagine Jeopardy, but for everybody, and you go up against other schools.

Trevor Noah 13:29 Okay.

Speaker 13:29 And you do Jeopardy pretty much, but it's not, like, the structure of picking off the board.

Trevor Noah 13:36 Okay.

Speaker 13:36 It's like, I'ma ask you one of the most random questions you ever heard.

Trevor Noah 13:39 Yeah.

Speaker 13:40 You might know the answer, you might now, but your school gets points if you do.

Trevor Noah 13:43 Huh. Could you be like, "Yo, uh, there's a girl, um, Tanashey at our school, and she has what on her backpack?" Can you ask a question like that?

Speaker 13:53 It's all Jeopardy-type things.

Trevor Noah 13:55 Okay, so it's more general knowledge.

Speaker 13:55 So, what's the biggest ocean? Yeah, yeah.

Trevor Noah 13:57 Okay. Yeah, got it. Got it. Got it.

Speaker 13:57 But it's more specific than general knowledge, which is also ge- generally-

Trevor Noah 14:01 And you did this at what time?

Speaker 14:02 Um, it would be, maybe I went there at 7:00.

Trevor Noah 14:06 Who designs-

Speaker 14:07 Something like that

Trevor Noah 14:07 ... your schools?

Speaker 14:08 But school starts at, like, 8:00, 8:30.

Speaker 14:11 Yeah.

Speaker 14:12 So it's like-

Speaker 14:12 So in America-

Trevor Noah 14:12 Yeah, no, no, I understand that. We also had it at 8:00.

Speaker 14:14 So if, yeah, so, so if you're gonna do extracurricular that's before school-

Trevor Noah 14:18 Why would-

Speaker 14:19 ... it has to start at 7:00

Trevor Noah 14:20 ... why would you guys have extracurriculars before school?

Speaker 14:22 Because you want to do the ones after.

Trevor Noah 14:22 We called them extracurriculars because it was extra.

Speaker 14:25 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 14:25 You cannot do extra before.

Speaker 14:27 Apparently you can.

Speaker 14:28 I, yeah, it only does-

Trevor Noah 14:28 Imagine going to a restaurant and you're like, "Could I get an extra side of rice?" And they're like, "We haven't even served you yet."

Speaker 14:33 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 14:34 What are you adding the extra to? The whole point of extracurricular is that you have your curricula, then this is extra.

Speaker 14:39 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 14:40 You can't start with it.

Speaker 14:41 In-

Trevor Noah 14:41 We- we're fixing the wrong problem here

Speaker 14:43 ... in your scenario, you would just say, "Welcome to America," 'cause that is what we do.

Trevor Noah 14:47 Yeah, but you seem to know the... Is it, what's it like in the UK?

Speaker 14:50 No, in the UK, we have, like, a little bit of socialism, so it's just like-

Trevor Noah 14:53 Oh, there you, there you go. You hang out in the beginning.

Speaker 14:55 Yeah, yeah.

Trevor Noah 14:55 Yes.

Speaker 14:55 You, you know.

Speaker 14:56 Yeah.

Speaker 14:56 So there was nothing before.

Trevor Noah 14:57 I don't know. I, this is a weird one for me. Um.

Speaker 15:00 It's also the only way you can win.

Speaker 15:01 Start, I would, I'd actually say start school at 10:00 and finish at 3:00. That would be my proposal.

Trevor Noah 15:06 Start school at 10:00-

Speaker 15:07 Yeah, finish at 3:00

Trevor Noah 15:08 ... finish at 3:00.

Speaker 15:08 Yeah. That'd be my proposal.

Trevor Noah 15:09 Okay. I don't know. So I have a, I have a different proposal.

Speaker 15:12 Mm.

Trevor Noah 15:13 I think you should start earlier, but do nothing for longer.

Speaker 15:16 No, but they have to get out of bed. That's the issue. They need to sleep, 'cause they need to grow.

Trevor Noah 15:21 How much sleep?

Speaker 15:21 They need a, they need a ridiculous amount of sleep.

Speaker 15:23 What time are they going to bed? Maybe 12 to 14 hours. They-

Trevor Noah 15:24 12 to 14 hours?

Speaker 15:25 You're teenagers.

Speaker 15:26 Yeah.

Speaker 15:26 Your brains, your bones, all, like, they need so much sleep.

Speaker 15:28 It's, it's insane.

Speaker 15:29 They need so-

Speaker 15:29 They, they've done studies where they're like-

Speaker 15:31 Their brains need so much sleep

Speaker 15:31 ... that's why we think they're dumb, 'cause they don't sleep enough, and then we try to teach them. And then, at least, I'm just talking about in the States, we try to teach them, and they're tired. Then we give them a test, and then they fail, and then we're like, "Okay."

Speaker 15:45 Yeah.

Speaker 15:45 "Moving on to the next more difficult subject."

Trevor Noah 15:47 Wow.

Speaker 15:47 And they have to go home and study-

Speaker 15:49 Yeah

Speaker 15:49 ... till late.

Speaker 15:50 Okay.

Speaker 15:50 Do their extra extracurriculars. [laughs]

Trevor Noah 15:53 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 15:53 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 15:53 I'll, I'll vote, then I'll vote yes.

Speaker 15:54 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 15:55 This seems well considered.

Speaker 15:56 Yeah, that's a good idea.

Trevor Noah 15:57 Yes?

Speaker 15:57 Yes.

Speaker 15:57 Yes.

Trevor Noah 15:57 Yes.

Speaker 15:58 True.

Trevor Noah 15:58 Whoever you are, uh, congratulations, you have achieved the first yes. If you ruled the world, high schools would start no earlier than 9:00 AM.

Speaker 16:06 Mm-hmm.

Trevor Noah 16:07 This person had an opportunity to rule the world, and they just moved it by, like, an hour. I mean, that's responsible use of power, but not very creative. But thank you for listening to

Trevor Noah 16:15 the podcast.

Speaker 16:16 Mm.

Trevor Noah 16:16 Um, the next suggestion we got was, "If I ruled the world, everyone, no matter their job, has to shadow a service employee one day a month." What is a service employee?

Speaker 16:27 Um.

Speaker 16:27 Like a wai- a waiter.

Trevor Noah 16:28 Are they talking about...

Speaker 16:28 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 16:29 Okay, okay.

Speaker 16:29 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 16:29 I was making sure. Yeah.

Speaker 16:30 No.

Speaker 16:31 Um.

Speaker 16:32 No. It's a no from me. Go on.

Trevor Noah 16:34 What, what are we, what do we define by shadow?

Speaker 16:36 I think shadow-

Trevor Noah 16:37 'Cause-

Speaker 16:37 ... means, like, do the job as well.

Trevor Noah 16:38 You s- you do-

Speaker 16:38 I mean, do, I thought shadow meant just watching someone do the job.

Trevor Noah 16:42 Yeah, my shadow's-

Speaker 16:42 Oh, no

Trevor Noah 16:42 ... never helped me w- do anything.

Speaker 16:43 Yeah. You're just like-

Trevor Noah 16:44 Oh

Speaker 16:44 ... "Oh, I wanna sh..." Haven't you had that as a comedian? "Oh, I wanna shadow you for a day."

Trevor Noah 16:48 Sh- comedians don't shadow anybody.

Speaker 16:49 Yeah.

Speaker 16:49 [laughs]

Speaker 16:49 But, but the way that I shadowed when I, when I was working at, like, a regular job-

Trevor Noah 16:54 Yeah

Speaker 16:54 ... was to do a mini version of the job.

Trevor Noah 16:57 Oh, Josh, I think you got tricked into free labor.

Speaker 16:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, yeah.

Trevor Noah 17:01 I don't think that's shadowing.

Speaker 17:02 That's not shadowing.

Speaker 17:02 So maybe we should vote.

Speaker 17:03 That's an unpaid internship.

Trevor Noah 17:04 Yeah, I really think that's unpaid work, Josh.

Speaker 17:05 Yeah. May- maybe we should vote then.

Trevor Noah 17:07 I think what [laughs] ...

Speaker 17:08 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 17:09 I think shadowing is literally, you just, like, see what, how the person does it.

Speaker 17:13 Yeah, you just watch.

Speaker 17:13 Yeah. We sh-

Trevor Noah 17:13 But what is the purpose of this? I don't get it.

Speaker 17:15 'Cause I think they want us to gain empathy for, like, service workers. But if anything-

Trevor Noah 17:19 Hmm

Speaker 17:19 ... watching someone do their job up close, you always have less empathy. [laughs]

Trevor Noah 17:23 Yeah, like, that looks easy.

Speaker 17:25 Yeah.

Speaker 17:25 Yeah, just like-

Speaker 17:25 It, it, it-

Speaker 17:25 ... oh, you were like, "Do that better." What?

Trevor Noah 17:27 Yeah.

Speaker 17:27 That's why I gained a respect, 'cause then they would hand it to me.

Trevor Noah 17:31 And then you would see how hard it is.

Speaker 17:32 And then I was doing it.

Speaker 17:32 Yeah.

Speaker 17:32 With, so I thought shadow meant-

Speaker 17:34 No. That's interning

Speaker 17:35 ... 'cause you know how your shadow is attached to you?

Trevor Noah 17:37 Huh.

Speaker 17:37 Like, I thought that you had to be doing some of the-

Speaker 17:39 But your shadow doesn't do anything, though. It's attached, but it doesn't do anything.

Speaker 17:42 No, I see that now.

Speaker 17:43 Okay.

Speaker 17:43 I s- I s- I see. [laughs]

Speaker 17:46 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 17:46 [laughs]

Speaker 17:46 I see what probably-

Trevor Noah 17:47 All right. I, I guess-

Speaker 17:47 ... happened to me

Trevor Noah 17:48 ... I'm ready to vote on this one then. I-

Speaker 17:50 Yeah

Trevor Noah 17:50 ... I say no.

Speaker 17:51 No.

Speaker 17:52 Nah.

Trevor Noah 17:53 Is it a no for you, Josh?

Speaker 17:54 Yeah.

Speaker 17:54 Nah. I, I, I guess not. Now, knowing what the understood shadow is, I'd say no.

Trevor Noah 18:01 So, no.

Speaker 18:01 Yeah. I thought shadow-

Trevor Noah 18:02 Thank you so much for submitting, uh, but you will be the only person shadowing somebody at their job. But thank you for listening. All right.

Trevor Noah 18:09 Our final, um, idea from the people who listen to the show: If I ruled the world, all toilet stalls should be completely soundproof. We don't need to hear what's going on in there Okay, this one I'm really gonna tell you is a no for me.

Speaker 18:22 [laughs]

Speaker 18:22 This is-

Trevor Noah 18:22 That's like the joy of going to a public toilet.

Speaker 18:26 W-

Speaker 18:26 You like to listen?

Trevor Noah 18:27 No, I don't like to listen, but that's the joy of it. It's like a horror movie. I don't like horror movies, but if I took out the scary parts, then it wouldn't be a horror movie.

Speaker 18:37 Oh. Uh-

Trevor Noah 18:38 A public toilet without the sounds is not a public toilet.

Speaker 18:40 It's still public.

Trevor Noah 18:41 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 18:41 It's just soundproof.

Trevor Noah 18:41 Guys, it would be creepy. It would be creepy. Imagine going into a public toilet and it's silent.

Speaker 18:46 I want that.

Trevor Noah 18:47 No, this is creepy.

Speaker 18:48 I want that.

Speaker 18:48 I, here's the thing. I'm gonna vote no with you, but for very different reasons. Like, I, I feel like I don't love the sounds and I'd rather not hear them.

Trevor Noah 18:56 Okay, you're misunder-

Speaker 18:57 Okay, so, so what's your name?

Trevor Noah 18:58 You're misunderstanding me. You're misunderstanding me.

Speaker 18:59 Uh-huh.

Trevor Noah 18:59 No one loves the sounds.

Speaker 19:00 Uh-huh.

Speaker 19:00 Okay.

Trevor Noah 19:01 But the sound's a part of the experience.

Speaker 19:04 I don't want... I don't even wanna hear the toilet flush.

Speaker 19:06 I mean, I wish I wasn't in there when I'm in there. So-

Trevor Noah 19:09 Yes.

Speaker 19:09 You wish you weren't in there?

Trevor Noah 19:10 That's the point.

Speaker 19:11 Yeah. Yeah.

Trevor Noah 19:11 That's the point.

Speaker 19:12 But, but the, but the sound, I would say, needs to be left up to the environment, because I went to the bathroom and there was a guy who fell, right?

Trevor Noah 19:22 [laughs]

Speaker 19:23 [laughs]

Speaker 19:23 And we know he fell, 'cause he was like, "Ah. Ah, I fell." Right?

Trevor Noah 19:28 Inside one of the-

Speaker 19:29 And it's like if it... In the stall.

Trevor Noah 19:30 Okay.

Speaker 19:30 And if it had been soundproof, who knows?

Trevor Noah 19:33 No one would've helped him.

Speaker 19:34 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 19:35 You s- you could die in there.

Speaker 19:36 [laughs]

Speaker 19:38 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 19:38 Okay, have you ever used a public toilet and needed toilet paper and asked somebody to bring it to you?

Speaker 19:43 And they-

Trevor Noah 19:43 I've done that once, once in my life that happened to me.

Speaker 19:46 Oh, God.

Speaker 19:46 Mm.

Trevor Noah 19:46 It was back in South Africa, but that happened once, and I was like, "Ah, man, there's no toilet paper."

Speaker 19:49 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 19:49 And then I had to shout out, "Hey, I need toilet paper." And then someone handed it to me.

Speaker 19:53 Over the stall?

Trevor Noah 19:54 Yeah.

Speaker 19:54 Oh.

Speaker 19:55 No, no.

Speaker 19:55 No.

Speaker 19:55 I got mine rolled to me.

Trevor Noah 19:57 They rolled it on the floor?

Speaker 19:58 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 19:59 So you wiped your ass with the floor?

Speaker 20:00 No, no, no. No, it has more.

Trevor Noah 20:02 But-

Speaker 20:02 It's unrolling as it rolls. It, it-

Trevor Noah 20:04 Oh, okay

Speaker 20:04 ... travels the way that it exists.

Trevor Noah 20:05 Oh, so you left the part of it that had-

Speaker 20:08 Yeah, so basically I was in a, uh, a bathroom-

Trevor Noah 20:11 Yeah

Speaker 20:11 ... in a restaurant that was out of toilet paper, and I had to wait until somebody came in.

Trevor Noah 20:17 [laughs]

Speaker 20:20 [laughs]

Speaker 20:21 [laughs] And so then I was like, "Hey," like, "I need help." And the person was like, "Okay, I got you." Right?

Speaker 20:27 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 20:27 And then they left and they never came back. They didn't have any.

Trevor Noah 20:30 Wow, okay.

Speaker 20:30 And then someone else eventually came in. I was like, "Hey, I need some help. I need toilet paper." And they were like, "Ooh, I got you. Okay." And then they left, and I was worried they wouldn't come back, but when they came back-

Trevor Noah 20:40 But they came back

Speaker 20:40 ... they had the big old roll.

Trevor Noah 20:42 Yeah

Speaker 20:42 ... that big roll that you install in the thing.

Speaker 20:45 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 20:45 And he bowled it under to me, and it was a, it was a real hero move.

Trevor Noah 20:51 I like this.

Speaker 20:51 Yeah. All right. I will say-

Trevor Noah 20:52 Did you get to meet the person afterwards? You remember back in the day on that TV show Rescue 911, you'd get to meet the operator who saved your life?

Speaker 20:58 So-

Trevor Noah 20:59 Did you get to meet the person? Did you, like-

Speaker 21:00 No

Trevor Noah 21:00 ... hug them and take a picture afterwards?

Speaker 21:02 No, because I started thanking him and then he left.

Speaker 21:04 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 21:05 [laughs]

Speaker 21:06 'Cause he knew I was wiping while I was thanking him, and I think that was too much for him.

Speaker 21:10 People are a bit weird.

Speaker 21:10 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 21:10 All right, so we're ready to vote. All toilet stalls should be completely soundproof. Mine is a definite no.

Speaker 21:15 Yeah, I've changed, I'm changing to a no only because in ladies toilet, I don't know if you know this about women, but when I used to club 10 years ago before my life was over and I had kids-

Trevor Noah 21:25 [laughs]

Speaker 21:25 ... you just, you hear so much gossip.

Trevor Noah 21:28 You see? It's part of the experience.

Speaker 21:30 And I believe in gossip, also known as oral history, you know?

Trevor Noah 21:32 [laughs]

Speaker 21:33 [laughs]

Speaker 21:33 So, like, I like... [laughs]

Trevor Noah 21:34 [laughs]

Speaker 21:34 [laughs]

Speaker 21:35 When you're on the toilet, you just hear people talking shit-

Trevor Noah 21:37 Yeah

Speaker 21:37 ... and you don't even know the characters.

Trevor Noah 21:39 Exactly.

Speaker 21:39 But, like, all of that-

Trevor Noah 21:40 You see, you see-

Speaker 21:40 ... it, it helps the camaraderie.

Speaker 21:42 Yeah.

Speaker 21:42 So that would be the only reason.

Trevor Noah 21:43 This is yet another thing-

Speaker 21:44 Okay

Trevor Noah 21:44 ... that'll make people feel isolated. It will make you-

Speaker 21:46 Yeah

Trevor Noah 21:46 ... feel alone. Do you know how nice it is to sit in a stall, go through something physically, and know someone next to you is going through the same?

Speaker 21:53 Well, I like the person that coughs 'cause they're about to drop a load. That always makes me laugh.

Trevor Noah 21:57 You see? This is what I mean. This is... Now you're understanding what I mean.

Speaker 22:00 [laughs]

Speaker 22:00 [laughs]

Trevor Noah 22:00 You were so against me in the beginning and now you get it.

Speaker 22:02 Yeah.

Trevor Noah 22:03 The sounds make this what it is. I vote no. No, toilet stalls should not be completely soundproof.

Speaker 22:07 Uh, no.

Speaker 22:09 No.

Trevor Noah 22:09 Well, there you go. That is a flat out no. We'll be hearing you take a dump, whoever you are. But thank you so much for listening to the podcast.

Trevor Noah 22:16 So the only thing that got, uh, passed from the public, high schools will start no earlier than 9:00 AM, so we'll see you at 9:01.

Speaker 22:24 Our listeners are really concerned with toilets and-

Speaker 22:26 Yeah

Speaker 22:26 ... toilet paper. Like, what is going on in the bowels of, like-

Speaker 22:30 It's actually why it's so hard to change the world. Look at all those proposals.

Trevor Noah 22:33 It really is.

Speaker 22:34 It really is.

Speaker 22:34 And always only one thing.

Trevor Noah 22:35 The people don't think big enough. [upbeat music] Well, there it is. If I Ruled the World, listener edition. Thank you, every single one of you, for all your wonderful suggestions, even though we shot down almost all of them. But I mean, that's the nature of the game, right? And guess what? We wanna hear much more from you. So, um, we have a What Now? email address. It's whatnow@dayzeroproductions.com, whatnow@dayzeroproductions.com. Get in touch with any comments about the show, suggestions for future topics or guests, and more of your if I ruled the world ideas. I promise we won't shoot them all down, by the way. So, uh, you know, send us a few. Let's, let's, let's see what happens. Tell us your name and where you're writing from. Uh, and better yet, record it as a voice memo and send it along so we can play it on the show. Once again, that's whatnow@dayzeroproductions.com to reach the show. We'll be back next week with a full new episode. In the meantime, from everyone on the show, we wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Uh, may all your plane boardings be smooth and all your toilet paper be two-ply. [upbeat music]