This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!
Steven Bartlett (host), Lori Gottlieb (guest), Narrator, Narrator
In this episode of The Diary of a CEO, featuring Steven Bartlett and Lori Gottlieb, This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce! explores why Unrealistic Dating Standards Sabotage Love, Connection, And Marriage Psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb explains how modern expectations around dating, marriage, and gender roles are making romantic connection harder, not easier. She argues that many people chase an impossible 'perfect partner' while ignoring the character traits that actually predict long-term relationship success. The conversation explores loneliness, changing gender and economic dynamics, the statistical 'sweet spot' age for marriage, and why heartbreak and therapy can be powerful catalysts for rewriting harmful personal narratives. Throughout, Gottlieb emphasizes emotional maturity, flexibility, and community as antidotes to disconnection and chronic dissatisfaction in relationships.
Why Unrealistic Dating Standards Sabotage Love, Connection, And Marriage
Psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb explains how modern expectations around dating, marriage, and gender roles are making romantic connection harder, not easier. She argues that many people chase an impossible 'perfect partner' while ignoring the character traits that actually predict long-term relationship success. The conversation explores loneliness, changing gender and economic dynamics, the statistical 'sweet spot' age for marriage, and why heartbreak and therapy can be powerful catalysts for rewriting harmful personal narratives. Throughout, Gottlieb emphasizes emotional maturity, flexibility, and community as antidotes to disconnection and chronic dissatisfaction in relationships.
Key Takeaways
Prioritize character traits over checklists and superficial 'icks' when dating.
Research and clinical experience show that qualities like flexibility, emotional generosity, reliability, and emotional stability are far better predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction than height, income level, or curated hobbies. ...
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Adopt a 'satisficer' mindset in dating instead of endlessly maximizing.
Drawing on Barry Schwartz’s work, Gottlieb explains that maximizers constantly search for a theoretically better option and are less satisfied even when they choose well. ...
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Give early dates more time; chemistry often grows rather than appears instantly.
A longitudinal study Gottlieb cites followed couples from their first date through 20 years. ...
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Recognize how loneliness and community collapse overload romantic relationships.
Data show that many people now report having zero close confidants, whereas decades ago most had several. ...
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Understand the marriage 'sweet spot': mid-to-late twenties carry the lowest divorce risk.
Citing Institute for Family Studies data, Gottlieb notes that marrying very young (<22–23) is associated with higher divorce, likely due to immaturity, identity formation, and unclear life goals. ...
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Examine your recurring patterns: you might be choosing the familiar, not the healthy.
Many people unconsciously seek partners who replicate unresolved childhood dynamics—like Gottlieb’s patient 'Charlotte,' who kept choosing heavy drinkers and inconsistent, volatile partners resembling her parents. ...
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Face your stories about self-worth and lovability instead of outsourcing them to dating outcomes.
People stuck in cycles of one-night stands or avoidant patterns often tell themselves they’re 'empowered' and above attachment, when underneath they feel fundamentally unlovable and terrified of true intimacy. ...
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Notable Quotes
“No one human could possibly do that.”
— Lori Gottlieb
“There’s something really profound about the person you tell all the minutia of your day.”
— Lori Gottlieb
“We’re often punishing our current partner for a crime they didn’t commit.”
— Lori Gottlieb
“Our main goal in life is to love and be loved.”
— Lori Gottlieb
“If a fight breaks out in every bar you go to, maybe it’s you.”
— Lori Gottlieb
Questions Answered in This Episode
You cite that after 32, divorce risk increases by 5% per year; what specific behavioral or psychological patterns do you most often see in clients who marry later that contribute to this rise, and how can someone over 35 proactively counteract them?
Psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb explains how modern expectations around dating, marriage, and gender roles are making romantic connection harder, not easier. ...
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For a high-achieving woman who struggles to feel attracted to men who are less successful on paper but potentially better partners, what concrete steps or exercises would you recommend to genuinely rewire her attraction patterns rather than just 'deciding' to be more open-minded?
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You were very candid that a man not paying on the first date is a 'huge ick' and a deal-breaker; how do you reconcile that with your own call to move beyond rigid, possibly outdated expectations—and what alternative signals of generosity or safety could reasonably replace the 'he pays' norm?
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In the example where tears are used to shut down difficult conversations in couples, what specific scripts or structures do you give partners to ensure they can both express emotion and tackle hard topics without one person unconsciously weaponizing vulnerability?
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For someone who recognizes themselves as a 'maximizer' in dating and feels addicted to the endless possibilities of apps, what would a realistic 30- or 60-day behavioral experiment look like to shift toward 'satisficing'—including rules about app use, date follow-ups, and reflection after each encounter?
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Transcript Preview
Some of the studies I was looking at shows that if you get married after 30, each additional year of age increases your chance of divorce by 5%. (record scratch) And I couldn't figure out why.
Oh, I think there are several reasons for this. So first of all... (record scratch)
Lori Gottlieb...
Renowned psychotherapist...
Bestselling author... Couples counselor...
Who's helped thousands of people find or save their relationships.
People use the first date as, "I'm supposed to feel this one thing, or else forget it." And people will come into therapy and say, "I didn't feel like butterflies, so I'm not gonna go out with him again." People said they wouldn't go on a second date with somebody: "Because he ordered tap water, he must be really cheap." There was one where somebody said, "Oh, he did this impression from Austin Powers."
Yeah, baby.
"He was just nervous, and he was trying to make you laugh."
What about if he asks to split the bill? Would that be an ick?
If he doesn't pay, that would be a huge ick for me.
Really?
But it's really important to understand why, which is... (cash register ching)
Interesting.
Now your partner has to be your best friend, have the same interests. He has to rock my world in better, someone who's really ambitious, but also really family-oriented. No one human could possibly do that. If you look at what are the most important things that would predict whether a relationship is going to last, these really important (beep) are very important, and then emotional ****** is really important.
What does that mean?
It means- (hand slaps)
You went to therapy because of heartbreak.
Yes.
How do we navigate through that dark cloud?
One strategy that might be helpful is... (hand slaps) (heartbeat)
It's absolutely crazy to me that so many of you have decided to watch our show, um, and so many of you have decided to subscribe to our show. We now have five million subscribers on YouTube, which is a number that I just can't comprehend, and it's a dream that I absolutely never could've had. We started The Diary of a CO just over three years ago now, and in my wildest expectations, we might have had 100,000 subscribers by now. So you can imagine how shocked I am that so many of you have chosen to tune into these conversations every week, um, and spend some time with us. So thank you. And I made a deal with you. I made a deal that if you subscribed to this show, that we would continue to raise the bar. And in 2024, we're gonna raise the bar like never before. I've been working for the last nine months on a surprise for all of you that have subscribed to this show, and I'm very excited to deliver that for you. The production's gonna change. We're gonna go even further with our guests, and we're gonna tell even more global stories. So as always, if you appreciate what we're doing here, the simple free favor I'll ask from you is to hit the subscribe button. Let's get on with the episode. (instrumental music plays) Lori, if you had to summarize what it is you have done for people over the last couple of decades, how would you summarize that?
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