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ADHD Chatter Podcast

Leading ADHD Expert Shares New Emotional Dysregulation Trick

Dr Tamara Rosier PhD is the founder of the ADHD Center of West Michigan, where she and her staff work with individuals with ADHD (and their families) to learn strategies and develop new skills to live effectively with ADHD.

Dr. Tamara RosierguestAlex Partridgehost

May 19, 20251h 14mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Mission: Your Brain Is Not Broken
Alex introduces Dr. Tamara Rosier and asks about her mission in neurodiversity. She says her goal is to tell people they are quirky, not broken, and explains how reliance on emotional centers leads to shame.
- •Her first book, Your Brain's Not Broken, carries the message that people with ADHD are quirky, not broken
- •Without reliable prefrontal cortex access, people with ADHD rely on emotions and make emotional meaning of everything
- •Felt difference quickly turns into shame
- •She describes six bad ways to motivate ourselves, including anger, shame and self-loathing
Identity, Self-Worth and Childhood Criticism
Tamara argues that many people with ADHD have an underdeveloped sense of self because they spend years playing catch-up. Alex raises the statistic of 20,000 extra negative criticisms, and Tamara says ADHD people are heroes because everything is harder.
- •Shame should be dropped as a motivator, and a stronger identity helps people hold boundaries
- •Alex sees a deficit of self-awareness, caused by years of masking, rather than a deficit of attention
- •Tamara recalls not knowing when recess was and not knowing left from right in third grade
- •ADHD runs in families and is environmentally sensitive
- •Every success with ADHD is an underdog story
Finding Your People When You Feel Alone
Alex asks what advice Tamara has for someone with little support, money or community. She says she was that person, urges people not to give up on themselves, and encourages them to look for fellow ADHD people.
- •Tamara had no community herself and says to put all your bets on yourself
- •If you are wondering whether you have ADHD, you probably do
- •Listeners of the podcast have probably already found their people
- •Break down the walls built out of pain, and be open to friends you haven't met yet
Spotting ADHD and the Roots of Reading the Room
Alex asks what flags ADHD in others. Tamara mentions expressive faces and microexpressions, then they discuss how childhood criticism turns up the safety radar and makes people read the room as a survival mechanism.
- •ADHD people use more facial muscles and show microexpressions
- •People who mask highly value authenticity and vulnerability
- •Alex links the intuition to early criticism and constant alertness
- •Tamara says children learn to listen for safety, becoming empathic readers of others' emotions
- •Reading others this closely can blur where one person ends and another begins
Mirroring, Sensitivity to Criticism and Post-Conversation Spirals
After the Tiimo sponsor read, Alex restates the mirroring point, and they discuss how sensitivity to the room becomes sensitivity to criticism. Tamara describes leaving conversations worried and absorbing rejection, and says it takes a secondary process to return to her sense of self.
- •Mirroring posture and interests protects against criticism but pulls you away from knowing who you are
- •Tamara worries after interviews and has to talk herself through it
- •Dysregulation makes it easy to take in rejection and conclude "I'm a horrible person"
- •Both describe replaying conversations and fearing they overshared
- •In the moment it can look like confidence, and afterwards comes "What have I done?"
Inner Critic Monkeys and the Inner Child
Tamara describes her "monkeys" such as Critical Calvin and Anxious Amy, which are coping mechanisms trying to protect her. Alex asks whether masking rejects the inner child, and Tamara talks about her 12-year-old self.
- •Critical Calvin and Anxious Amy represent protective coping mechanisms
- •Rather than shutting the inner critic out, Tamara thanks it kindly and says she thinks it is wrong
- •Alex asks whether masking means rejecting your inner child and living in a triggered state
- •Tamara's 12-year-old had to be tough and may be part of her mask
- •She reassures her inner child that she has more sophisticated systems now
Why Community Matters
Alex cites Ned Hallowell's advice to never worry alone and find your tribe. Tamara says being seen is a gift, even if it is only one person, and describes the emotion at the ADHD conference.
- •Being seen and valued for who you are brings immense joy
- •One person who gets you may be enough, not a whole tribe
- •People cry at the conference because no one has seen them like this before
- •Start looking for ADHD people and follow your gut
Working Memory and Emotional Hacks
Tamara names working memory as most debilitating for her, and Alex shares his bracelet system. They discuss how ADHD brains store emotional memories, and how people hack emotion to remember, negatively through the angry neighbor or positively.
- •Tamara's short-term memory is like a tiny whiteboard with an invisible marker
- •Alex plans the night before and wears five task bracelets, which he removes as he completes tasks
- •Memories are stored emotionally, while school expects semantic memory
- •Raising emotions to remember is exhausting and not automatic
- •The angry neighbor in the limbic center stands in for the calm prefrontal butler, and Tamara suggests hacking positively, for example with a timer
Defining RSD and Managing It
Tamara defines RSD as anything that triggers "I'm not okay" and describes its effects, including people pleasing and avoiding risks. They share antidotes such as pausing before saying yes, speaking up carefully in meetings, and standing up to your own narrative.
- •Alex says the damage often comes from the protections built around RSD, such as people pleasing and over-committing
- •Tamara's weekly check-in asks whether she faced RSD at least once, to keep taking risks
- •Replying "Can I let you know tomorrow?" creates space and acts as a boundary
- •Tamara phrases disagreement as "I have a question" to stay likable
- •In the moment, take a breath and don't believe the rejection narrative
Blind Spots, Curiosity and Feedback
Asked about practical tools for recognizing shortfalls, Tamara explains that we cannot see our own blind spots and need others to point them out. They discuss approaching feedback with curiosity, 360 feedback, Johari's Window and her "D-mails".
- •Blind spots can't be seen by definition, so you need to ask people
- •Tamara's daughter pointed out that she walks out of conversations, and she responded with curiosity
- •Find the blind spot, be curious, then be okay with it
- •Johari's Window and trusted feedback can expose how others see you
- •Tamara's curt emails were received badly, so she now adds greetings and sign-offs, working outside herself
Supporting Your ADHD Partner
Alex asks how to support a partner with ADHD. Tamara asks non-ADHD spouses for kindness and patience with communication quirks, while saying ADHD is not a license for poor behavior, and explains how neuroticism changes how ADHD shows up.
- •ADHD communication quirks include talking about oneself, skipping questions and telling stories from the inside out
- •Non-ADHD partners are asked to be kind and patient
- •Tamara apologizes on behalf of her population for the mess but says ADHD does not excuse poor behavior
- •Loyalty, fun, intuition and creativity come with the challenges
- •Under the Big Five trait neuroticism, high neurotic ADHD people can shut down while traveling, while low neurotic ones say "we'll figure it out"
The ADHD Item: Sand Everywhere
Alex reveals Tamara's ADHD item, a jar of sand. She uses it as a metaphor for ADHD that follows you from the beach into every part of life, and Alex adds the image of a bucket for turning sand into a castle.
- •Like beach sand, ADHD ends up in every nook and cranny of life
- •Clients can't keep ADHD confined to work
- •Alex adds that with the right tools, sand becomes a castle
- •ADHD is just sand, not a personality or an excuse for moral failings
ADHD Agony Aunt: Mood Swings and Bipolar
A listener asks how to tell whether mood swings and irritability are ADHD or something like bipolar disorder. Tamara says quick swings with an external trigger point to ADHD while longer rolls of intense energy may suggest another diagnosis, and that medication, environment and new behaviors can help.
- •Tamara shares her story of being angry in her hot black car
- •Emotions that zigzag quickly with external prompts are probably ADHD
- •Several days of intense energy may point to a different diagnosis
- •Medication, managing your environment and new behaviors can help
- •Mood swings affect the people around you, and an ADHD coach can help with emotional regulation
Letter from the Last Guest: Organization Points
Alex delivers the previous guest's three rules to live by. Tamara reworks "be organized" into being organized where you need to be, using the idea of limited organization points to spend strategically.
- •The previous guest's rules were to be generous to family and friends, be organized, and turn the hob off
- •Alex bristles at "be organized" as easier said than done
- •Tamara reframes it as being organized where you need to be
- •She has only so many organization points and spends them on her schedule, writing and email rather than the pantry
- •Alex agrees to put attention on what matters to him

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