Good Inside with Dr. BeckyWhat Can I Do to Stop My Kid’s Aggressive Behavior?
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Reduce kids’ aggression by building regulation skills, not punishment cycles.
- Aggressive behavior is framed as a sign of dysregulation—kids act out because they feel out of control inside, not because they are “bad.”
- The key behavioral lever is creating space between the urge (to bite/hit/kick) and the action, using practice, rehearsal, and alternative outlets.
- Parents can “emotionally vaccinate” children before challenging situations by naming likely feelings, validating them, and rehearsing what to do instead of aggressing.
- In-the-moment intervention should be firm and containing (“I won’t let you…”) while still protecting the aggressing child from shame and identity as the “bad kid.”
- Harsh punishment and forced remorse often backfire by increasing shame and fear; empathy and regulation skills are presented as prerequisites for genuine empathy toward others.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasTreat aggression as a regulation problem, not a character flaw.
The episode repeatedly reframes biting/kicking/hitting as the outside expression of overwhelming inside feelings; this keeps parents focused on skill-building instead of labeling a child as bad.
Change happens by inserting time and space between urge and action.
Dr. Becky’s “hands apart then clap” metaphor emphasizes that the urge isn’t the enemy—kids need help slowing the sequence so they can choose a safer discharge (chew, stomp, move away).
Use connection and “de-shaming” language to make change possible.
Whispered, invitational scripts (“Do you ever bite when something happens you don’t want?”) reduce secrecy and shame; shame is described as “sticky” and likely to entrench the behavior.
Practice alternative behaviors when everyone is calm—then repeat often.
Role play (knocking down a block tower, narrating “energy in my mouth,” then biting a chew necklace/pillow) builds a rehearsal pathway the child can access later under stress.
Prepare for known triggers with “emotional vaccination.”
Before playdates, name realistic provocations (exclusion, name-calling), validate anger, and rehearse body-based options (step back, cross arms, move away, use words) so the child has tools attached to the feeling.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesNothing is wrong with you, and nothing is wrong with your kids.
— Dr. Becky Kennedy
The problem isn't the urge to bite. The problem is the lack of space between the urge and the action, and we end up changing behavior not by changing the urge, but by inserting more time and space between the urge to bite and the actual biting.
— Dr. Becky Kennedy
We don't wanna shame a behavior. Shame is sticky. When you add a shame, you make a child more stuck in the behavior that you are seemingly wanting to help them shift out of.
— Dr. Becky Kennedy
We have to feel good inside to make changes, and so we cannot confirm a child's badness through punishment and expect him to start acting in a more pro-social manner.
— Dr. Becky Kennedy
Kids have the developmental tendency to take experience and turn it into identity.
— Dr. Becky Kennedy (quoting Richard Schwartz)
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
