Good Inside with Dr. Becky

You're Not The Boss of Me!

It's time to reframe defiance. When our kids don't listen to us or are being "defiant" by doing the complete opposite of what we've asked them to do, it's important to remember that they are still good kids. They are good kids who need firm and loving boundaries, connection, and to feel a little powerful on occasion. This week, Dr. Becky chats with a mom struggling with her son's "defiant" behavior and who's looking for a way to reconnect and repair with him. Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/3WvCDRn Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast To listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com (https://pcm.adswizz.com) for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Dr. Becky KennedyhostAnonymous Momguest

Jun 6, 202337mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Defiance reframed: firm boundaries, empathy, and power needs in kids

So-called defiance often escalates when parents rely on repeated verbal commands instead of setting clear, physical, follow-through boundaries early.
Kids’ statements like “I want to make you mad” typically translate to “I’m upset,” “I want you to understand me,” or “I need to feel powerful,” rather than cruelty or pathology.
Firm, loving boundaries protect the parent’s nervous system (less yelling) and strengthen the parent-child relationship over time, even if kids protest in the moment.
Co-parent misalignment can create a “bad cop” dynamic, and experimenting with role-reversal can reset the family system without blame.
Repair conversations (“You’re a good kid having a hard time”) help reset patterns, reduce shame, and build cooperation skills going forward.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Repeated ‘don’t’ commands invite power struggles; boundaries prevent them.

Instead of escalating from polite requests to yelling (“Don’t ring the doorbell”), position yourself to block the behavior (hold hands, stand between child and button) and calmly narrate the limit.

Be the boundary before expecting your child to be their own boundary.

Kids learn self-control by repeatedly experiencing their urge met by a parent’s steady limit—eventually their body links “urge” with “boundary,” enabling impulse control without constant external enforcement.

Firm boundaries reduce parental reactivity and protect connection.

Clear follow-through keeps you from reaching the “short fuse” point; over time, children experience the boundary-setter as safe and containing, not as an enemy.

“I want you to be annoyed” is often a clumsy request for empathy.

Children may believe feelings are only “real” if others feel them too; responding with “I believe how upset you are even if I don’t feel it” can meet the underlying need without rewarding the behavior.

Defiance can be a search for appropriate power and impact.

When kids feel controlled all day, they’ll grab power wherever they can (doorbells, elevator buttons); proactively offering structured control reduces those battles.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

So often when we see our kid as defiant or not listening, we are actually as a parent struggling to set boundaries.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

When it comes to boundaries, we have to be a boundary for a kid before they can be that boundary for themselves.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

Before kids can put their own boundary around an urge, they actually have to experience over and over and over their urge being met with their parents' boundary.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

Setting boundaries is as important to your relationship with your kid as validating their feelings. It's a form of connection.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

I think when our kids say this, "I want you to be upset," they mean, "I'm upset." They mean, "I want you to feel how I feel, just so you understand."

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

Defiance vs. boundary-setting problemsPhysical boundaries vs. repeated warningsUrges, impulse control, and internalizing limitsInterpreting “I want to upset you” as a bid for empathy/powerBoundaries vs. control (safety and emotional safety)Co-parent dynamics: permissive vs. firm rolesRepair scripts and the “You’re In Charge” game

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