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Jay Shetty PodcastJay Shetty Podcast

#1 Body Language Expert: “Men Find This IRRESISTIBLE & Most Women Never Do It” - Try This ASAP

What usually holds you back from starting a conversation? Jay sits down with behavioral researcher and bestselling author Vanessa Van Edwards for a powerful conversation that blends science, honesty, and so many surprising moments. Vanessa, who refers to herself as a “recovering awkward person,” shares how her biggest social struggles became the driving force behind her mission to crack the code on human connection. Together, Jay and Vanessa dive into the fascinating world of charisma, exploring the 97 cues, from eye contact to tone of voice, that quietly shape how we’re seen and understood. Vanessa breaks down why so many of us feel overlooked or underestimated—and introduces “signal amplification bias,” a concept that explains why the signals you think you’re sending might not be landing the way you expect. Vanessa shows us how confidence isn’t always something you’re born with but something you can build, with intention and awareness. The conversation goes even deeper as they unpack the tricky balance between warmth and competence, especially for women in the workplace, and how vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but often your greatest strength. They explore how to create those magic “me too” moments that form instant connections, spot the hidden red flags in communication, and let go of the need to be liked by everyone in order to be truly seen by the right people. Whether you struggle with social anxiety, want to level up your leadership presence, or are just tired of surface-level small talk, this episode is packed with practical tools and uplifting wisdom to help you connect with more authenticity and power. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:51 From Awkward to Empowered: Overcoming Social Anxiety 02:43 How Do You Really Want People to See You? 06:44 Why Aren’t Your First Impressions Landing? 10:01 Why They’re Not Getting Your Signals (And What to Do About It) 13:33 Want to Be More Attractive? Try Being More Available 15:40 One Simple “Hey” That Can Spark a New Connection 19:16 Your Vibe Teaches People How to Treat You 22:06 Speak with Power: Unlock Your Full Vocal Power 23:47 3 Conversation Starters That Actually Work 29:49 Making Friends Doesn’t Have to Be Hard 31:17 Why Compliments Alone Don’t Build Connection 33:30 Break the Ice Without Sounding Like Everyone Else 38:36 Stop Trying to Be Interesting, Do This Instead 40:48 The Art of a Smooth and Respectful Exit 44:32 Use These Nonverbal Cues to Steer the Conversation 47:41 Spot Inauthentic Behavior Before It Costs You 54:28 Why People-Pleasing Feels Safer But Actually Holds You Back 57:48 How to Tell If Someone’s Lying (Without Saying a Word) 01:00:04 When Narcissists Feel Like the Most Charismatic People 01:03:46 Want to Really Get to Know Someone? Take a Road Trip 01:04:45 How Dopamine Makes You More Memorable 01:08:23 Every Answer Can Be a Gateway to Connection 01:10:51 How Asking Better Questions Inspires Growth 01:13:10 Discover Your Social Battery: Introvert, Extrovert, or Ambivert? 01:15:10 You Might Be an Ambivert and That’s a Superpower 01:19:07 The Two Ways Friendships Evolve Over Time 01:22:30 Choose Friends Who Inspire Awe 01:25:20 The Double Standard Faced by Highly Competent Women 01:33:09 Before You Make That Connection, Ask Yourself This 01:34:34 Life’s Too Short for Shallow Connections, Find Your People 01:36:29 Vanessa on Final Five Episode Resources https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty https://www.facebook.com/jayshetty/ https://x.com/jayshetty https://www.linkedin.com/in/shettyjay/ https://www.youtube.com/@JayShettyPodcast http://jayshetty.me https://www.scienceofpeople.com/ https://www.instagram.com/vvanedwards https://x.com/vvanedwards https://www.youtube.com/@Vvanedwards https://www.tiktok.com/@vvanedwards https://www.facebook.com/vvanedwards/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/vanessavanedwards

Jay ShettyhostVanessa Van Edwardsguest
May 11, 20251h 42mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Decode and project charisma using cues for dating, work, belonging

  1. Confidence and charisma are learnable through controlling specific signals—your intended impression, your body language, your voice, and your words.
  2. In dating, most people underestimate how subtle their flirting is; clear “availability” cues and a simple low-pressure “hey” dramatically increase approachability.
  3. Great conversations are built by breaking social scripts to create “me too” moments, playful interaction, and authentic reasons to like others rather than trying to sound impressive.
  4. Connection and safety improve when you can read cue cycles (decode–encode–internalize), spot incongruence and social-rejection cues, and get people “off script” to reveal real patterns.
  5. At work, trust judgments heavily depend on warmth and competence; women face a narrower acceptable band and can use tools (including AI) to calibrate cues in emails, profiles, and meetings.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Start by defining how you want to be perceived.

Vanessa recommends choosing your current, bad-day, and ideal “first impression word,” then reverse-engineering the cues (voice, posture, expressions) that reliably produce that identity.

You’re far less “obvious” than you think when flirting.

Signal amplification bias means your subtle cues are usually missed; research observed it took about 29 flirtation/availability signals in 10 minutes for a woman to be approached.

Availability is a skill—use clear, repeatable cues.

Flirty glances (down-and-up), small smiles, brief self-touch, and simply saying a confident low-toned “hey” communicate openness with minimal risk and high clarity.

Vocal tone drives instant confidence judgments.

People assess confidence within ~200 milliseconds of hearing you; speaking on the out-breath and using the lowest end of your natural range increases perceived calm and authority without “faking” a persona.

Make “me too” moments the goal of small talk.

Instead of scripted questions (where are you from/what do you do), use context cues and similarity-seeking prompts to create shared threads that build connection quickly.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

Warmth and competence makes up 82% of our judgements of people. 82%.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

The most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

Life is too short to not hey.

— Vanessa Van Edwards

If you're trying to be interesting, it's worse than fake it till you make it. It's what do I have to do to perform for you?

— Vanessa Van Edwards

"Competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious."

— Vanessa Van Edwards

Overcoming awkwardness through signal controlFirst-impression words (current, bad-day, ideal)Signal amplification bias in flirting (29 signals)Availability cues: eye contact, smiles, self-touch, scent, “hey”Vocal confidence and maximum resonance pointConversation strategy: context cues, “me too” goal, thread theoryWhy compliments can backfire (hierarchy and distance)Breaking scripts with hooks, games, and dopamineGraceful exits and conversation steering (feet, gaze, nodding)Spotting inauthenticity and lying via incongruenceCharisma vs narcissism patterns (victim mode, conflict-stoking)Off-script dating: car/road-trip challengeWarmth–competence model and women’s double bindIntrovert/extrovert/ambivert social battery and friendship choicesUsing AI to audit written tone (LinkedIn/emails)

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