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Jay Shetty PodcastMel Robbins ON: If You STRUGGLE With Stress & Anxiety, This Will CHANGE Your Life! | Jay Shetty
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CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 4:47
Welcome and Mel Robbins' Return
Jay Shetty introduces Mel Robbins, her new podcast and her books, and describes their friendship. The two greet each other warmly and recall how they first met.
- •Jay describes Mel as a returning guest whose first episode drew a big community response
- •Mel has a new podcast, The Mel Robbins Podcast, and has written The 5 Second Rule and The High 5 Habit
- •Jay and Mel recently ran into each other in Montreal
- •Mel calls Jay her own personal monk
- 4:47 – 11:20
Working on Happiness and the Campaign of Misery
Asked what she is struggling with most, Mel answers happiness. She tells a story about her daughter sleeping in her bed and about burning her ear with a curling iron, and describes how she has been learning to stay content wherever she is.
- •Mel says she defaults to loss and calls this her campaign of misery
- •She realized she used busyness to outrun a deep-seated unhappiness, which the pandemic exposed
- •She is learning to be content by allowing emotions and anchoring in her body
- •Her daughter's line 'you gotta learn somehow' becomes a metaphor for learning happiness
- 11:20 – 14:07
Jay's 21 Days and the Mediocrity Debate
Jay shares how his mother counts down his 21 days in London and how he talked with her about it. He then raises the question of whether people feel they deserve happiness and cites a friend's message arguing for mediocrity, which Mel rejects.
- •Jay's family treats day 21 as if only one day were left
- •Jay talked with his mom about celebrating the time they have
- •Many people settle for mediocrity because they don't feel worthy of happiness
- •Mel calls the advice to strive for mediocrity the worst advice she has heard
- 14:07 – 19:14
The Drumbeat of Negativity and a Breakthrough in Vermont
Mel explains that at 54 she realized she was never truly happy, because of a constant drumbeat of negativity. She describes a moment on the deck of her Vermont house when she felt present for the first time, and says she needs both deep quiet and short sprints of busyness.
- •Fixing outside problems did not silence her inner negativity
- •On the Vermont deck she noticed her daughter's Sunday scaries and felt none herself
- •She compares the moment to Eckhart Tolle's bench experience
- •She concludes she needs both spiritual quiet time and busyness, but busyness can't be her default
- 19:14 – 22:03
Settling for Pain and Leaving a Safe Corporate Job
Jay says many people avoid pursuing their calling because of the pain involved, so they settle for the pain they already have. He describes his own corporate job, his salary, and the two years it took to take a risk, then asks Mel how someone should start.
- •People settle for current pain because their dreams seem too far away
- •Jay was in a safe corporate job six years ago and looked at colleagues 10-20 years ahead
- •He suggests asking whether you'd want your older colleague's life
- •He asks how someone settling for pain should begin
- 22:03 – 33:15
Stands vs. Court: Ending Your Campaign of Misery
Mel compares ignoring your inner flame to a cancer and says the cure is small daily steps. She and Jay discuss criticizing others from the sidelines, and Mel offers the stands-versus-court visual and her own six years of talking herself out of the podcast.
- •Mel says arguing against your dream is an active campaign that creates pain
- •Jay says everyone who succeeds was once president of their own campaign of misery
- •The visual is being in the stands criticizing or on the court playing
- •Mel prefers 'try until I make it' to 'fake it till you make it'
- •She also applied the idea to loneliness by texting friends and making plans
- 33:15 – 36:36
Jay's Hidden Dream of Acting
Mel asks Jay where his own campaign of misery is. He reveals he wants to return to acting, recounts the chaotic Bad Boys trailer shoot with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and explains the excuses he tells himself.
- •Jay trained in drama for seven years before public speaking took over
- •He played a therapist in the Bad Boys trailer and had a script change twice on the day
- •He had fun while feeling imposter syndrome, then retreated afterward
- •His excuses include discrediting his past work and being called a sellout
- •Jay says he had never shared this publicly
- 36:36 – 44:15
Dream vs. Delusion: Dreams as Directional Signals
Jay asks how to tell a dream from a delusion. Mel answers that delusion sounds like arrogance, while true dreams are directional signals meant to make something come alive in you. She and Jay discuss pursuing something for its purpose rather than for the result.
- •Jay's acting dream is about creative expression, not winning an Oscar
- •Mel says confidence is willingness to try, while arrogance is insecurity
- •She believes dreams are directional signals, not things meant to be achieved
- •She launched her podcast for connection and learning, not just rankings
- •Jay cites Gwyneth Paltrow's story about winning an Oscar young to show the risk of focusing only on results
- 44:15 – 49:39
The Bridge and the Trail: Finding Meaning in the Process
Mel offers two visuals, being on a bridge and walking a trail up a mountain, to explain that meaning comes from the work itself rather than the destination. Jay recalls a saying that the world is like a bridge, and Mel connects the bridge idea to saying goodbye to her daughter.
- •Every step or episode is its own bridge, and there is always another one
- •The purpose of a hike is to be on the trail, not to reach the top
- •Meaning comes from working with intention on something important to you
- •Mel says happiness came from ending her campaigns of misery
- •Bridging goodbyes to the next time you'll see someone helps with separation
- 49:39 – 57:18
Parental Mismatch and Family Expectations
Jay raises listeners' struggles with parents who have very high, different, or negative expectations. Mel explains parental mismatch, ghosts in the nursery, and guilt, and offers the rule that people who don't pay your bills have no vote.
- •Mel says she has surely screwed up her own kids through moments of mismatch
- •She cites Dr. Russell Kennedy on anxiety stemming from childhood separation
- •Our bodies repeat patterns observed in childhood, which can be healed as adults
- •Mel says guilt and the urge to please parents are normal and don't mean you're damaged
- •Paying your own way helps you pave your own way
- 57:18 – 1:09:25
Why Girls' Confidence Drops and What Confidence Really Is
Prompted by the job-description study Jay mentions, Mel gives her theory of why girls' confidence falls at 13. She redefines confidence as the willingness to try and offers the 60% rule, the leaf-shedding metaphor, and the five-second rule.
- •Mel says boys and girls have equal confidence at 12 and girls' confidence falls at 13
- •She links this to puberty becoming a public conversation and to socialization
- •Confidence is the willingness to try, built through a confidence-competency loop
- •The 60% rule says to go for something if you feel about 60% qualified or inclined
- •The five-second rule is a countdown that serves as a first action against self-doubt
- 1:09:25 – 1:21:00
When a Loved One Changes: Envy and Support
Jay asks how to handle feeling ahead of or behind a partner or friend. Mel says feeling behind is insecurity, tells the story of her husband Chris quitting drinking and her reaction, and explains how to support someone with focus, leading questions, and a happy-me comparison exercise.
- •Feeling behind is insecurity putting a lid on what you believe is possible
- •Mel pushed Chris to drink with her, and he said nobody cares what's in your glass but you
- •Others' change can trigger a wake-up call, so stay focused on your own path
- •Ask leading questions and ask whether someone wants you to listen or to share your thoughts
- •The line-down-the-page exercise compares a happy past life with the present to find small things to restore
- 1:21:00 – 1:26:22
Celebrating Small Wins and Closing
After the formal goodbye, Mel adds that acknowledging small steps builds momentum better than pointing out what's undone. She and Jay discuss how not praising ourselves makes us harsh with others, and Jay closes the episode.
- •Mel regrets pushing her daughter about songs instead of acknowledging small efforts
- •Verbal acknowledgement of effort builds momentum
- •Jay says he gets triggered by others' lack of growth when he is triggered by his own
- •Mel adds that the urge to jump in can also come from love and excitement
- •Jay encourages listeners to share the episode and discuss it with others
