Mel Robbins ON: If You STRUGGLE With Stress & Anxiety, This Will CHANGE Your Life! | Jay Shetty

1. 0:00 – 4:41

   Intro

   1. SPSpeaker0:00

      The purpose of going for a hike, ironically, is not to get to the top. It's to be on the trail. If you focus on the freaking trail, whatever step you're on, and you keep reminding yourself, "This is gonna lead me somewhere," that is where the meaning comes in your life because- The bestselling author and host-

   2. JSJay Shetty0:15

      The number one health and wellness podcast-

   3. SPSpeaker0:17

      On Purpose with Jay Shetty.

   4. JSJay Shetty0:21

      Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, today's guest is someone who's been on once before, and when she came on last time, you exploded. The community was showing the love, feeling the love, and the feedback and response was incredible, that I've been wanting her to come back on, and we were waiting to announce she's got a brand-new podcast out herself, so if you don't already listen to her show, I'll announce it in a second, uh, please go and subscribe. Uh, it's already crushing it. It's gonna be absolutely huge, uh, and I know you're gonna love it. I'm speaking about the one and only Mel Robbins, who became one of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence and motivation the hard way, by first screwing up her own life. As one of the most widely booked and followed podcast hosts and authors in the world, Mel is sought after by the world's leading brands and medical professionals for her research-backed tools and motivation. At the same time, Mel has amassed millions of followers online, with her advice going viral every day pretty much. Mel is a New York Times Bestselling Author and self-publishing phenom, and her work includes The High 5 Habit, The 5 Second Rule, and the number one ranking, The Mel Robbins Podcast. That's the one that you have to subri-

   5. SPSpeaker1:39

      [laughs]

   6. JSJay Shetty1:40

      ... subscribe to. Mel's female-led media company produces provocative, life-changing content, with millions of books sold, billions of video views, six number one audiobooks, and one of the most viewed TEDx Talks in the world. Mel's work has been translated into 41 languages and has changed the lives of millions of people worldwide, and on top of all of this, Mel is one of my dearest friends. We bumped into each other last week in Montreal, where we were both giving keynotes. It was around 10:00 PM-

   7. SPSpeaker2:09

      [laughs]

   8. JSJay Shetty2:09

      ... and I get this text saying, "I heard you were in Montreal." I said, "I still am," and we hung out for, like, a couple of hours at the end of the day. Uh, I, I love this human. I believe in everything she says and does. She lives it all. She is the same off-screen as she is on-screen. Uh, please welcome to my- welcome to the show, my dear friend, uh, and incredible thinker, Mel Robbins. Mel.

   9. SPSpeaker2:30

      Oh, my God. C- can I just hug you?

   10. JSJay Shetty2:33

       [laughs] Yeah, of course you can.

   11. SPSpeaker2:35

       I just love you. Oh, my God.

   12. JSJay Shetty2:37

       Oh. Love you too. [laughs]

   13. SPSpeaker2:38

       Oh, my gosh. I just love you, Jay.

   14. JSJay Shetty2:40

       Love you too. Love you too.

   15. SPSpeaker2:42

       Oh.

   16. JSJay Shetty2:42

       I, I just, you know, we've-

   17. SPSpeaker2:43

       You're the best

   18. JSJay Shetty2:44

       ... I think we've, you know, whenever we've connected, the first time we met, I was thinking about that last week in Montreal. The first time we met we were also both speaking, and we spent an evening together then and just hit it off, and I appreciate it. That was, like, four years ago now, so.

   19. SPSpeaker2:58

       Yeah. You know, I- I think we've all had this experience, where you've been at a bar or you've been at a big party, and you look across a room, and your eyes meet somebody, and it's like, pew.

   20. JSJay Shetty3:13

       [laughs]

   21. SPSpeaker3:13

       Immediate, like, a tractor beam, electric pull. I felt that way about you for a long time just by watching what you were putting out on social media, and so I had had a brain and soul crush on you for a long time, and so when we met it was like, "Oh, my God."

   22. JSJay Shetty3:33

       [laughs]

   23. SPSpeaker3:34

       So, and you know what also I love is that I love, like, I get both you-

   24. JSJay Shetty3:38

       [laughs]

   25. SPSpeaker3:39

       ... and your amazing wife. I love that you are decades younger than me and very creative, and here's what else I love about you. I consider you not only a very dear friend but my own personal monk. There you have it. [laughs]

   26. JSJay Shetty3:54

       [laughs] I love it. I love it. Just put me in your pocket.

   27. SPSpeaker3:56

       Right there.

   28. JSJay Shetty3:57

       Pocket, pocket watch.

   29. SPSpeaker3:57

       Right there.

   30. JSJay Shetty3:58

       Uh, but Mel, I'm so excited to talk to you today. Literally, the last time you came on, it was unbelievable, and I've genuinely been wanting y- wanting to have you back on, like, as much as you wanna come back. Uh, but I know there's a few things we wanna talk about today, and I wanted to start off with this idea that you've always talked about how you learned about things the hard way. There were always challenges, and even now, when we talk offline-
2. 4:41 – 13:58

   Why am I holding on to the things that are making me unhappy?

   1. JSJay Shetty4:41

      habit-wise. What is, what is something that you're struggling with or grappling with that you're working through?

   2. SPSpeaker4:47

      Happiness.

   3. JSJay Shetty4:48

      Wow, okay.

   4. SPSpeaker4:49

      Yeah, happiness. I- it's interesting. I was, um, getting ready to come over here this morning, and so I... my daughter goes to school here, uh, at the Thornton School for Music. She's a senior, and she spent the night with me last night. I'm gonna tell you this story 'cause it's relevant about both learning things the hard way and about happiness. So she slept in my bed with me last night, and it was so awesome.

   5. JSJay Shetty5:14

      [laughs]

   6. SPSpeaker5:14

      And I just love her, and she's 22, and she's about to, like, burst into the next chapter of her life. It is so exciting, and I miss her terribly. Terribly. And I... oh, I'm g- I'm gonna get, like, totally choked up when I think about it, 'cause I live on the other side of the country, and I think one of the hardest things that you have to do in life if you really love somebody is to encourage them to leave, to encourage them to grow. Woo. And, um, I can't believe how choked up I'm getting about this, 'cause it, I mean, this just happened this morning, and I was laying in bed, and she's sound asleep, you know, like, sprawled out, like-

   7. JSJay Shetty5:54

      [laughs]

   8. SPSpeaker5:54

      ... most 22-year-olds sleep, and sweating-

   9. JSJay Shetty5:56

      [laughs]

   10. SPSpeaker5:57

       ... and, you know, just like this. And I thought, "Oh, I wanna take a picture of this moment," and then I thought, "No, she's gonna kill me, 'cause she looks terrible."

   11. JSJay Shetty6:04

       [laughs]

   12. SPSpeaker6:04

       And you know how that rolls when you're 20 years old. And- So I closed my eyes to just capture the memory, and I thought, "Why is it that I am always gripping onto the thing that makes me unhappy? What is it about this campaign..." I call it the campaign of misery. Like, instead of focusing on the fact that here I am, first of all, lucky enough to be in Los Angeles, to be able to have the means to go see her for parents' weekend, that I have a relationship with her where she would want to come and just snuggle up and spend the night, that she is pursuing her passion and dream of being a singer-songwriter, that she is just killing it, she's happy. Why am I always defaulting to the loss?

   13. JSJay Shetty6:56

       Mm.

   14. SPSpeaker6:57

       And so when I say that I'm working on happiness, what I've realized about myself, Jay, is that I have done a lot of things in life, but I've spent the vast majority of my life being so busy and keeping myself so busy as a means to outrun, I think, a deep-seated unhappiness.

   15. JSJay Shetty7:21

       Mm.

   16. SPSpeaker7:22

       And that when the pandemic hit, and I had to slow down, and I had to truly say to myself, "Okay, you can't go anywhere. You cannot regulate your anxiety by running to Target. You can't catch a plane. You can't... Like, it's you and your, like, you and yourself right now, Mel, and all the coping mechanisms that you used to have that distracted you from the fact that you're just not that happy."

   17. JSJay Shetty7:48

       Mm.

   18. SPSpeaker7:48

       "They're not there anymore, and unless I want to drink myself into the ground, which I don't, and numb it, or hit the vape pen, or take a g... Like, unless I want to numb it, I gotta deal with it." And so I've spent the last two years, and I continue to focus right now on the number one goal that I have, which is to learn how to be happy and content wherever I am. And so this morning is the perfect example of catching this profound sadness, which is part of the human experience. Deeply missing somebody is also about loving them, right? And noticing that I was going into the negative. And part of being content and being happy wherever I am is not trying to fix things. It's being okay with things. It's allowing the emotion to rise up, and then noticing that there's a different way to feel.

   19. JSJay Shetty8:43

       Mm-hmm.

   20. SPSpeaker8:43

       And so in that moment, I just am doing what I'm doing a lot of, which is just breathing through those deep moments where I'm like, "Why am I complaining about this? This is so stupid. Why am I obsessing about this thing tomorrow, and I'm not even here right now?" And reframing things in a more positive way, and this might surprise people, 'cause I, I am a very positive person. I am a very optimistic person. But when I really slow down, my mind runs a million miles an hour, and normally it's 15 steps ahead, which means I'm never content where I am.

   21. JSJay Shetty9:17

       Mm.

   22. SPSpeaker9:17

       And so I've been doing a ton of work, like, in my nervous system, in my body. Instead of going right up here and trying to wrestle with my thoughts, I've been going down into here to just anchor in my body and slow things down and be physically where I am, where my feet are. And so then there was a second thing that happened. So again, I'm working on happiness. That's the thing I'm really, like, working on. It's like a muscle, right? Um, I'm in the bathroom, and I am terrible at doing my hair. I know it looks really decent today, but-

   23. JSJay Shetty9:49

       Looks great

   24. SPSpeaker9:50

       ... normally, I look like a fricking Labradoodle on a humid day. Like, that's just me. I just have never figured out the hair situation, and so I finally said, "That's it. I have got to figure out how to make my hair look halfway okay." Like, I'm not even looking for amazing. I'm just looking for okay. And so I was watching YouTube. I'm learning the tutorials. I've got the right sprays. And so Kendall comes rolling in after she wakes up, and I am sitting there trying to curl my hair, right, with this big, fat curling iron. I'm terrible at it, Jay. And all of a sudden, I hit my fricking ear, and I'm like, "Oh!" And I, I'm like, "Oh my God, I've, I've just burned my ear." And Kendall casually goes, "Well, you gotta learn somehow."

   25. JSJay Shetty10:34

       [laughs]

   26. SPSpeaker10:35

       And she walks out of the room. I think there is so much wisdom in that because that is how you learn. That is how you learn how close to hold a curling iron to your ear. You burn yourself, and then your whole body absorbs the lesson, and you don't go that close to the fire next time.

   27. JSJay Shetty10:55

       Mm.

   28. SPSpeaker10:56

       And I'm doing that dance with happiness and contentment.

   29. JSJay Shetty11:01

       Mm.

   30. SPSpeaker11:01

       That when I feel the fire of discontent or friction or complaining or looking for what's wrong, I pull the curling iron a little away from the ear.
3. 13:58 – 21:56

   The constant drumbeat of negativity

   1. JSJay Shetty13:58

      is where most people will end up. So that was the take-

   2. SPSpeaker14:02

      Well, that sucks

   3. JSJay Shetty14:02

      ... Literally, this was the message. So my friend messaged me, and he goes, "What do you think of this?"

   4. SPSpeaker14:06

      I think it sucks.

   5. JSJay Shetty14:06

      That's right.

   6. SPSpeaker14:06

      That's what Mel Robbins thinks.

   7. JSJay Shetty14:07

      So-

   8. SPSpeaker14:07

      I think it's the worst advice I've ever freaking heard. How about that? It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Here, here's the thing, Jay. So one of the things I also wanted to say is that I'm 54, and it's taken me a long time to figure out that I was actually not a happy person. And I don't think I ac- I, I really, truly understood what happiness is, and maybe I'm using the wrong word. Maybe the word is the problem, because I always associated happiness with, like, parties and laughter and, like, I'm just, like, full of joy and I'm, and I just... You know, it's like this very positive thing. And again, I am a positive person. I'm a very optimistic person. But if you were to put a speaker on my head and broadcast the things I said to myself, you would literally check me in to the seventh floor at Mass General Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, because it was a constant drumbeat of negativity. And as I, one by one by one, Jay, started to fix the problems in my marriage, in my finances, um, with my anxiety, as I built a business, you know, a lot of people are surprised to learn that most of what you see that I've built has been built in the last six years, literally. And so I, as I started fixing things outside, that default drumbeat did not go away. It just was a situation where I no longer had anything outside of me that was rationally wrong, so I turned it back on me and just started hammering me in, in crazy ways. I'll give you an example. So this is where I started to have this breakthrough. So I was sitting, my, my husband and I have just, uh, bought a house in Vermont, and I know you guys, you know, are in your new home. It's an incredible thing to do. It is our dream house. It's the house that his parents built. It's the family house. We not only were able to purchase this thing, we have been able to completely renovate it, make it our own. This place is the closest place to God that I have ever been. We sit nestled between mountains with 140-mile view straight down a valley with cascading... Like, it is just spectacular. When I would sit in therapy sessions eight years ago and my therapist would ask me to come up with, like, a, um, you know, like, a totem or a spiritual guide or vision, whatever, for truth or God or whatever, it's always this view. And so lo and behold, eight years later, we freaking live there, and I'm sitting on this covered deck looking down the valley. My daughter is sitting next to me, our other daughter, who lives in Boston, who's 23, and it's Sunday. And normally on Sundays, I'm not even present on Sundays, because I've now got the Sunday scaries. I'm now thinking about the week ahead. She is starting to now do that. "Okay, I gotta get going. I gotta, I gotta pack the car. I gotta get going. I got a, I got a big week of work this week." And, and it's 7:30 in the morning on a spectacular day, and the energy is starting, and I recognize the energy, because that is the campaign of misery that I have lived with for 50 years. And I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking, "Oh, this is interesting. That's me." And then I stopped in that moment, Jay, and I thought, "I don't feel that right now. I just feel that exactly where I am, looking at this view-" ... is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And it was so profound, it's almost like that moment where Eckhart Tolle has on the bench in the beginning of The Power of Now.

   9. JSJay Shetty18:07

      Mm-hmm.

   10. SPSpeaker18:07

       Where I have this profound experience where I think, "Wait a minute. Is this what happiness is?"

   11. JSJay Shetty18:15

       Mm-hmm.

   12. SPSpeaker18:16

       That I'm not 15 steps ahead? I'm just able to be right here without the anxiety, without the stress. I mean, that is like a revolutionary experience for me.

   13. JSJay Shetty18:29

       Mm-hmm.

   14. SPSpeaker18:30

       I don't think I'd ever not felt the default of a revved up nervous system, an anxious mind, or a to-do list that was a mile long. And I don't wanna go back to that sort of frenetic busyness that creates chronic stress. And, you know, the challenge for me right now is, how do I stay in a space that's, that's happy? 'Cause I love the game of building a business. I love pushing myself. I love, like... And I realized, oh, wait, you actually need both. You need deep spiritual quiet time, and you need the busyness of Los Angeles or Boston or New York in small sprints.

   15. JSJay Shetty19:12

       Mm-hmm.

   16. SPSpeaker19:12

       But that can't be your default anymore, woman.

   17. JSJay Shetty19:14

       And that's a, that's such a great realization and reflection, I think, when you come to that. And it, it takes a lot of self-acceptance to come to that because I think we think of life as binary, like you have to make a choice. You're either gonna be a hustler or you're gonna be peaceful. You're either gonna be a winner or you're gonna be a loser. You're either going to be wisdom and zen or you're going to be money and materialistic, right? And it's almost like you feel you have to make those choices early in life. And I think when you came in here, w- we were talking about something, and I really, really think it's something that a lot of our listeners will resonate with, the idea that so many of us experience pain of not going after what we want or what we need or what we feel is our calling-

   18. SPSpeaker20:09

       Mm-hmm

   19. JSJay Shetty20:09

       ... because of the pain that comes with that.

   20. SPSpeaker20:12

       Yeah.

   21. JSJay Shetty20:12

       And so we settle for the pain of where we are.

   22. SPSpeaker20:15

       Yeah.

   23. JSJay Shetty20:16

       And I think those two ideas are related because, again, we think there's this choice you have to make at any point in time, where it's like, I'm either gonna live the life of my dreams or I'm gonna be stuck forever. And then we're like, "Okay, well, I'll be stuck forever because my dreams seem so far away." I remember being there, and it's always hard to help everyone who's listening realize how much I felt that way. Because-

   24. SPSpeaker20:42

       So how old were you?

   25. JSJay Shetty20:43

       I w- this was six years ago. For me-

   26. SPSpeaker20:44

       Yep. Oh my God, that's right

   27. JSJay Shetty20:45

       ... it was six, it's six years. Yeah, six year-

   28. SPSpeaker20:46

       You and I, like, have this crazy parallel path

   29. JSJay Shetty20:47

       ... yeah, six years ago. So six years ago, I was working a safe corporate job. Six months from now, I was about to be married to Radhi, and I was making 31,500 pounds a year, and that was my salary at this company. And I was doing extremely well at the company, so I had a good track to-

   30. SPSpeaker21:08

       Yeah
4. 21:56 – 36:50

   Engaging in your own campaign of misery

   1. SPSpeaker21:56

      Yeah.

   2. JSJay Shetty21:56

      It is really that dance between I'm gonna settle for where I'm at or I'm gonna be where I wanna be. How do you think about that journey? How do you start?

   3. SPSpeaker22:03

      You know what just popped into my mind-

   4. JSJay Shetty22:04

      Yeah, please

   5. SPSpeaker22:04

      ... in a weird way? Cancer. If you got diagnosed with a cancer that was treatable, would you try to treat your cancer?

   6. JSJay Shetty22:12

      Yes.

   7. SPSpeaker22:13

      Of course you would, 'cause otherwise it would kill you. When you feel this call or this, this burning desire, and I feel like we all have this flame inside of us. We are not like a boiler, where the pilot light can blow out. That is not how a human being is wired. You, whether you're stuck, whether you're in pain, whether you're suffering, you still have this, this flame inside you that is burning. And when you actively engage in your own campaign of misery, and you actively tell yourself the reasons why it's not gonna work or the reasons why you can't do it or the reasons why now is not the time or you're never gonna make it happen or it was great for Jay or great for J- or for Mel, but nothing ever works out for... When you engage in your own campaign of misery, you are creating literally a cancer inside of you that eats at you. And we don't realize that by engaging in this campaign of misery, 'cause it's active. That flame is burning inside you, and you are actively convincing yourself not to do anything. It is an active engagement. That's why I call it a campaign, because that flame is gonna keep on burning, which is why the campaign has to get louder and the excuses have to get louder. And you know what starts to happen? Is you start to listen to that campaign, and you start to feel pain because there's something burning inside of you. And the only cure for this is to stop listening to that campaign and simply start taking small steps, just one every day, toward the thing that you want. I talk to my daughter about this all the time. So she dreams- Absolutely dreams of being a singer-songwriter solo artist with a, a successful career, literally stadium tours. And if I'm being perfectly honest, this kid has all of the talent and all of the... Like, she's one of those five tool players, and she is a great person. Kind, and just awesome. And she's even in a program for it, the best in the country. She has everything. She just has to do the work. What is the work? Well, the work is simply writing crappy songs every day. The work is not listening to the campaign of misery, because all around you, you're gonna see evidence of this person's better, or that person this, or this one's that, or they're... Uh-uh. When you listen to that campaign in your head, it is like a cancer inside. It causes pain, because you can feel when you are giving up on your own potential.

   8. JSJay Shetty25:01

      Mm.

   9. SPSpeaker25:01

      And that is the worst kind of life to live.

   10. JSJay Shetty25:03

       And we're, we're all... I remember, I was the president of that campaign in my own life [laughs] . Like, you know, I was like... When, when you... And, and I want people to understand this, is that everyone you think is doing something good with their life, at one point they were the presi- presidents of this campaign of misery-

   11. SPSpeaker25:18

       Yeah

   12. JSJay Shetty25:18

       ... in their own life. I remember saying, "Well, that never is gonna happen for me. Those things only happen to those people." I remember also watching things, and this was the key one that I realized had to go. Me and my friends, and, and my dream when I was young was to be a spoken word rap artist. Like, that was my goal. Like, I've always loved words. I've always loved having a large vocabulary. I've always loved bending words and making them rhyme and, and I think that's why I love words today, and what we do-

   13. SPSpeaker25:46

       Yeah

   14. JSJay Shetty25:46

       ... so much is that. And I, we would sit there, and we would watch rappers or artists that were up and coming, and we would critique them, and we would almost talk badly about them. We would criticize them, and we'd talk about how rubbish they were, and how untalented they were, and, oh, if we had those opportunities, how, how good we'd be. And I realize that today's culture is propagating that even more-

   15. SPSpeaker26:13

       Mm-hmm

   16. JSJay Shetty26:13

       ... because now we're just scrolling through TikTok or Instagram-

   17. SPSpeaker26:16

       Yeah

   18. JSJay Shetty26:16

       ... and you'll see someone who's doing what you want to do, and you may think you can do it better. But instead of doing it, we're spending our time watching someone else doing it and going, "Well, that sucks. That's rubbish."

   19. SPSpeaker26:28

       Right.

   20. JSJay Shetty26:28

       I actually have friends who message me stuff like that sometimes, and they'll be like, "Look, you know, I've been wanting to make videos for a while." And they'll send me someone who's made a bad video in their opinion. And I said, "You know what's really interesting? When you're on social media, you look at everyone who's doing worse than you." I said, "When I'm on social media, I look at everyone who's doing better than me and learn." Right? It's like there's, there's those two mindsets. You're either criticizing someone-

   21. SPSpeaker26:50

       Right

   22. JSJay Shetty26:50

       ... or you're creating and learning-

   23. SPSpeaker26:51

       Yeah

   24. JSJay Shetty26:51

       ... and growing. And so I, I just feel what you're saying is so true, and I think I spent so much time thinking I had something, but then not doing anything with it.

   25. SPSpeaker27:02

       Yeah, yeah. So couple things.

   26. JSJay Shetty27:03

       Yes.

   27. SPSpeaker27:03

       I want to give everybody a visual.

   28. JSJay Shetty27:05

       Yes.

   29. SPSpeaker27:05

       Because I find, Jay's into words, I gotta have a picture. Like, my mind is not the words mind. You are either in the stands commenting about the game, or you're on the court playing it, and right now, I want you to think about that flame inside you, that dream that you have. And I'm gonna go back to my daughter, who is on the court, but she will be the first to say that for many years she was engaged in her own campaign of misery, sitting in the stands, telling herself why she can't get on the, the court right now. And so I like that visual, because at any moment-

   30. JSJay Shetty27:38

       I love that visual
5. 36:50 – 50:04

   Difference between dream and delusion

   1. JSJay Shetty36:50

      or experiment with that phase in my life, my dream is not, at this point in time, to win an Oscar. My, my dream is to try to creatively express myself-

   2. SPSpeaker37:03

      Mm-hmm

   3. JSJay Shetty37:03

      ... and see whether this vehicle is a form that brings me joy, happiness, and meaning in my life.

   4. SPSpeaker37:10

      Yeah.

   5. JSJay Shetty37:10

      That, to me, is not delusional, because it is giving myself the opportunity to put my, uh, u- using visuals, like, put my, uh, you know, what are they called, uh, stabilizers onto my bike and see if this is real.

   6. SPSpeaker37:24

      Right.

   7. JSJay Shetty37:25

      I, I often find people whose first dream is, "I want to build a billion-dollar company," or, and they've never built a business at all or, or have business experience. Or I hear, "I want this to be the number one thing in the world." And while those are nice aspirations, I'm not sure that... Th- I actually think, and, and this is just my personal take, I never had those when I started, and I feel that sometimes without the skills, without doing the learning, without doing the experimenting, those things can actually stop you from doing it because it's so hard, it's so far away-

   8. SPSpeaker37:59

      Right

   9. JSJay Shetty37:59

      ... and there's such a big way to fall. So I want to understand, how do you decipher between dream and delusion?

   10. SPSpeaker38:05

       When you talk about delusion, what I hear is, like, arrogance and conceitedness. Now, and, and, and, and let me explain the difference here.

   11. JSJay Shetty38:14

       Yeah.

   12. SPSpeaker38:14

       Because I think confidence is this willingness to try and this belief in yourself and what you're trying to do, right? I think arrogance and, um, conceitedness is thinking you're better than everybody else.

   13. JSJay Shetty38:29

       Yeah.

   14. SPSpeaker38:30

       And so I, when you frame the delusion as this grandiose thing, it feels like it's coming from insecurity.

   15. JSJay Shetty38:38

       Right.

   16. SPSpeaker38:39

       It feels like it's coming from wanting to be better than, versus coming from a place where you're willing to take the risks and try and get on the court of life in a way that's aligned with this thing inside you. And so that's what I process in my own brain when you ask me the question-

   17. JSJay Shetty39:00

       Mm-hmm

   18. SPSpeaker39:00

       ... what's the difference between dreams and delusions.

   19. JSJay Shetty39:02

       Yeah.

   20. SPSpeaker39:02

       Now, if you have a true dream, is it ever delusional? And my answer to that is never, and here's why. I believe that dreams are not meant to be achieved. I believe that your dreams are a directional signal.

   21. JSJay Shetty39:24

       Mm-hmm.

   22. SPSpeaker39:24

       That the dream is out there in a different chapter of your life, calling you from this moment toward that direction, and that the reason why you still have this burning flame inside you that relates all the way back to something that you did-

   23. JSJay Shetty39:43

       Right, 11, yeah

   24. SPSpeaker39:43

       ... when you were younger that you fricking loved, is because when you walk toward acting and what that requires of you to get on the court and walk toward that dream... And look, the dream could be an Oscar. The dream could be something, like, that's an award. It doesn't matter. It's in the lane of acting.

   25. JSJay Shetty40:02

       Mm-hmm.

   26. SPSpeaker40:03

       What I believe about dreams is that the dreams are deeply personal. They are connected to that flame inside you. You are hardwired with them when you were born. It is absolutely part of why you're curious about things, why you're interested in things naturally. This is part of your natural intelligence. And that when you s- get on the court and you start walking toward them, that is what's supposed to happen. Because if you allow yourself to take on some roles in acting, it's gonna make something come alive inside of you. That's the purpose of your dreams. It's to make that flame burn brighter inside of you. It's about you awakening something, and your dreams are the directional signal that are trying to point you in what way to move forward. Going back to my daughter, will she ever have a stadium tour? I don't freaking know. She might, she might. That's not the point. The point is to have something come alive inside herself by getting on the court of her life and writing music and putting it out there.

   27. JSJay Shetty41:04

       Yeah.

   28. SPSpeaker41:04

       Whatever happens, happens. The reason why I wanted to launch the Mel Robbins Podcast is not so that it could become the number one podcast in the world. Of course I have those goals. Of course I want to be the number one female podcast host in the world. Of course that's what I want. But the reason why I am pursuing this is because I wanted to connect with people at a deeper level. I knew that I would come creatively alive. I knew that I wanted to build an ongoing conversation that was deeper, and I also knew I wanted to learn more. Because when you're constantly putting out content, or you're standing on stages, or you're writing books, it's kind of a one-way conversation.

   29. JSJay Shetty41:44

       Yeah.

   30. SPSpeaker41:45

       And so part of my solve for loneliness was to stop griping about it to myself-
6. 50:04 – 57:48

   Parental mismatch

   1. JSJay Shetty50:04

      to support it as long as she wants to be it. Some people have the experience of, "Well, my parents had very high expectations, but they're not the expectations I want," or, "My parents actually didn't have any expectations of me, and they were actually more negative."

   2. SPSpeaker50:18

      Mm.

   3. JSJay Shetty50:18

      "And they actually didn't believe in me at all, and didn't really think I'd get anywhere anyway."

   4. SPSpeaker50:23

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JSJay Shetty50:23

      Or, "When I want to try something, I get the toxic feedback of, 'Well, you're not gonna make it anyway.'"

   6. SPSpeaker50:28

      Right.

   7. JSJay Shetty50:28

      So I think we, we deal with parenting and a feeling of not believing us- in ourselves in two ways. One is your parents saw the path, they gave you it, but you're like, "That's not my path. This is," and then your parents don't believe in it, or your parents never believed in any path you were to take. And I think a lot of people I'm hearing right now are feeling like, "Jay, I'm just surrounded by family and friends who don't believe in me, don't believe in my ideas, don't believe in the partner I want to be with." Like-

   8. SPSpeaker50:56

      Mm-hmm

   9. JSJay Shetty50:56

      ... I just don't feel like people support my decisions.

   10. SPSpeaker51:00

       Yeah. Chris and I have been married 26 years. We have three kids. They're 23, 22, and 17. There is no doubt in my mind I've screwed them up. [laughs] I-

   11. JSJay Shetty51:10

       Yeah. I, yeah

   12. SPSpeaker51:10

       How could you not?

   13. JSJay Shetty51:11

       Yeah.

   14. SPSpeaker51:11

       I mean, we're talking about millions of moments-

   15. JSJay Shetty51:16

       Yeah

   16. SPSpeaker51:16

       ... where somebody needs emotional support, and you are a mismatch in that moment.

   17. JSJay Shetty51:23

       Mm-hmm.

   18. SPSpeaker51:23

       Right? And I love this term of parental mismatch, because it allows those of us that still have a good relationship with our parents to acknowledge a fact, and the fact is there are things that went down in your childhood that you may not even remember that left you with negative or toxic thinking patterns that you struggle to get rid of as an adult. It is a fact, period. And so I want to start off by saying that because we all deal with this-

   19. JSJay Shetty51:54

       Yeah

   20. SPSpeaker51:55

       ... and it is a result of childhood. In fact, Dr. Russell Kennedy, who is amazing, you should have him on your podcast, says that all anxiety results from a feeling of separation from your parents when you're a kid, probably before you were five. A moment where you felt separate. There was a mismatch. Maybe you were sitting on the floor. You don't even remember this. You're quietly playing. You're in a happy space, and Mom or Dad comes home, and they're frustrated, and all of a sudden they, "Why?" You know, like everybody does at some point because everybody has a volcano moment. It's a fact. And it startles you as a kid. Your body remembers that, and there's this concept in research called ghosts in the nursery, that a lot of us struggle as adults with behavior that we're like, "Where did that come from?" And where it comes from is the fact that if you're now an adult and you had an experience growing up in a household where your parents raged, or your parents were abusive, or your parents just ignored you, and you just felt separate or on edge, when you get into those same situations as an adult, your body has a feeling first. We think we think first. We don't. Your body has the feeling first, and then your body repeats the behavior that you actually observed as a kid. I speak English because I observed and absorbed the language my parents spoke. And so there are patterns that you're struggling with that do not serve you as an adult that are not your own.

   21. JSJay Shetty53:27

       Mm-hmm.

   22. SPSpeaker53:27

       And so I want to say that first and foremost, okay? That one of the greatest gifts of being an adult is separating from your parents and deciding how you want to talk to yourself, how you want to change the way that you think, how you speak, how you support. So that's number one. Number two, it is so common and natural to feel this kind of complex mix of guilt and of pressure to want to please your parents.

   23. JSJay Shetty53:59

       Mm-hmm.

   24. SPSpeaker53:59

       Why? Because you needed them to survive as a kid. It's not like you could leave. And what we learn as kids is that there is a give and a take, and that oftentimes that love that you need and that support that you need is very transactional, that m- Mom and Dad are in a great mood, and you get a lot of attention when you're doing well in sports, or doing well in school, or you're doing what they want them to do. And what we women learn in particular is that if you're not doing what I want you to do, that's bad. Because guilt, by definition, is feeling bad about what you just did. We learned that feeling during childhood. And it happens to everybody. And so I want to just say this 'cause I want to normalize that these are things that don't mean that you're damaged.

   25. JSJay Shetty54:44

       Mm-hmm.

   26. SPSpeaker54:44

       It's stuff that we have to heal for ourselves as adults. And so here's rule number one. If your parents or your family are not paying your bills, they have no vote. If your parents are paying for your bills, there is going to be power in what they're saying.

   27. JSJay Shetty55:06

       Mm-hmm.

   28. SPSpeaker55:06

       There is a transaction there because they're paying your tuition or they are paying whatever, and not all parents are transformed. And so I'm saying that because one of the fastest ways to free yourself is to pay your own way, and when you pay your own way, you start to feel very empowered to pave your own way. I happen to believe as a parent that my job is to help my kids figure out who they are, and you do that by listening. You do that by validating their experiences. You do that by not seeing them as an extension of you, that what school they get into somehow means that you're a good parent or a bad parent. The best thing that you could do for your kids is figure out what's gonna make them happy and support them in doing that. And the other thing that you can do is help them make decisions by helping them figure out what decisions are right for them. So I'm saying all of this because zero to 18, so let's use another metaphor, 'cause I, again, love metaphors. Life's one big road trip, okay? Every year of your life is a mile marker. From zero to 18, you're not even driving the damn car. Somebody else is. You're in somebody else's car. They're telling you what to do. They're controlling what's happening. The second you get to university or you leave home, you get to navigate your own life. But not if somebody else is paying for it.

   29. JSJay Shetty56:28

       Yeah. I think that perspective is empowering if you're willing to take that risk, but what we found, you know, the, the research shows this as well. There was a study a few years ago that I looked at which talked about how, you know, with men and women, when, when men see a job description-

   30. SPSpeaker56:45

       Mm-hmm
7. 57:48 – 1:02:21

   Girls struggle with crippling perfectionism

   1. SPSpeaker57:48

      13, girls' confidence fall off a cliff according to the research, and I think I know why. The reason why, in my personal opinion, is because that is the average age that a girl goes through puberty and she starts menstruating. Now, here's the interesting thing about girls when they go through puberty. It's like a public conversation, and what's the first thing that somebody says to a little girl when they get their period? "You're a woman now." And it's also something that happens to your body, so there's this, like, implied maturing, this implied notion of sex. There's also the fact that your boobs are growing and you're budding, and people are self-conscious, and so now you're wearing a sweatshirt. You also know who's got their period. Somehow everybody knows when this is happening. Everybody's talking about it. And so you in that moment lose the control of the conversation about your body, and for most girls, it's incredibly uncomfortable. Like, I remember one of my daughters wore, like, a gigantic sweatshirt for two years just to hide her developing body. Other girls might show it off 'cause you get more attention, but it becomes this public conversation about where you are in relation to everybody else, and most girls, in addition to the socialization that you get from the media and from culture, you start then wishing you look different. You start to obsess about yourself. "If I could just get it perfect. If I wear the perfect sweatshirt, then nobody's gonna notice," and you start micromanaging as a defense mechanism to public judgment. That's what I think happens, because the perfectionism is off the charts too. When you dudes get, uh, hit puberty, it's typically when you're 15, and it benefits you. I mean, because we're not talking about what's happening with your balls, right? It's not like some conversation about that. We're talking about the fact that your voice is deeper. You've gotten taller. It benefits you in high school sports. And so it doesn't impact your guys' confidence. It actually helps you, and that's where it begins in my personal opinion, along with the fact that there's so much that happens generationally, generationally where boys are encouraged to take risks. Boys are in sports where they're knocked around. Boys are picked up and shoved back in the game. Girls are coddled a little bit more and told to, "Be a good girl. Be a nice sister. Go hug your uncle," all those things that send a message that leads to women struggling with confidence.

   2. JSJay Shetty1:00:19

      What do you think, then, are some of the things that you did later on and you want for your daughters to do to develop better confidence? Like, what are some of those steps towards better confidence? Because I think it's, it's so difficult, right, to... Confidence requires you to do so many things you don't want to do to develop it.

   3. SPSpeaker1:00:39

      Yeah.

   4. JSJay Shetty1:00:39

      Like, I think the problem with the word confidence, when I look it up in the dictionary, it's one of my favorite definitions of a word. One of the ... definitions is acknowledgement and self-assurance in one's own abilities.

   5. SPSpeaker1:00:52

      Mm-hmm.

   6. JSJay Shetty1:00:53

      Right? Like, you're acknowledging, and you are aware of, and you're reassured of your own abilities and your qualities. And so when I look at that definition, I go, okay, that requires you to do things that, like you, you don't build your self-respect when you sat out on the beach. But you do build your self-respect when you went and hiked up a hill and then walked back down, right? Like, your self-confidence doesn't grow because you sat out in your garden and didn't do anything. Your self-confidence grew because you learned how to garden or do something, right? Your self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence grow when you do things-

   7. SPSpeaker1:01:29

      Yeah

   8. JSJay Shetty1:01:29

      ... that are not obvious or easy or, or simple.

   9. SPSpeaker1:01:33

      Right.

   10. JSJay Shetty1:01:34

       But like you're saying, we're not trained in that way. So what are some of the steps that people could take towards self-confidence?

   11. SPSpeaker1:01:39

       Yeah. First, here's what I want to tell you, and then I'll give you some steps. So confidence is one of those topics, Jay, that we have backwards. Everybody hears the word confidence, and they think it's belief-

   12. JSJay Shetty1:01:50

       Mm-hmm

   13. SPSpeaker1:01:50

       ... like up here.

   14. JSJay Shetty1:01:51

       Yeah, I agree.

   15. SPSpeaker1:01:51

       Confidence, my definition of confidence that I want everyone to walk away with is confidence is the willingness to try. In research, there is something called the confidence competency loop, and what that means is that as you try something for the first time, like I was curling my hair this morning, and I freaking burned my ear, and my daughter casually says, "Gotta learn somehow." By trying, and by the way, screwing it up

8. 1:02:21 – 1:09:53

   Confidence is the willingness to try

   1. SPSpeaker1:02:21

      and burning my ear, I still am gaining a little bit of confidence.

   2. JSJay Shetty1:02:25

      Mm-hmm.

   3. SPSpeaker1:02:25

      I know to hold this thing a little bit further away from my ear now. By gaining confidence by burning my ear, I now am gonna try again, and I'm gonna be a little bit better, and I'm gonna gain a little bit more confidence, and then I'm gonna try again-

   4. JSJay Shetty1:02:39

      Mm-hmm

   5. SPSpeaker1:02:39

      ... and I'm gonna learn even more. And so confidence, at the heart of confidence is action. It's the willingness to try.

   6. JSJay Shetty1:02:48

      Mm-hmm.

   7. SPSpeaker1:02:49

      And all you need is to know that if you try, you're not gonna die.

   8. JSJay Shetty1:02:54

      Mm-hmm.

   9. SPSpeaker1:02:55

      You're just gonna learn something, and when you learn something, it removes a little bit of the insecurity so that it makes it slightly easier to try again.

   10. JSJay Shetty1:03:04

       Mm-hmm.

   11. SPSpeaker1:03:05

       And so I would follow the 60% rule, okay? And I use 60% because that is the figure that was in the HP study about men applying for jobs when they feel 60% qualified.

   12. JSJay Shetty1:03:19

       Mm-hmm.

   13. SPSpeaker1:03:19

       If you look at something that you want to do or try or apply for, and you feel, hmm, whether it's 60% qualified, okay, I got 60% of the stuff, because the truth is a job description, everybody, a dating profile, that is not requirements. That's a wish list, okay? If you got 60% of this stuff, freaking go for it. That's rule number one, the 60% rule. The other thing is, is that if you're looking at doing something that you're scared to do, maybe it's signing up for an improv class, maybe it is ordering the podcast equipment, maybe it's signing up for Genius, like you've been thinking about it, you've been thinking about it, you've been thinking about it. If you, on a scale, you're on this teeter-totter, if you tip more toward, "I'd really like to," so about 60%, right, weight, versus 40%, "I'm kind of nervous," freaking do it. That's how you build confidence.

   14. JSJay Shetty1:04:13

       Mm-hmm.

   15. SPSpeaker1:04:13

       Because back to the original thing that we're talking about, self-doubt grows when you engage in negative talk to talk yourself out of the things you want to be trying. There is so much pain, Jay, in talking yourself out of trying things.

   16. JSJay Shetty1:04:31

       Mm-hmm.

   17. SPSpeaker1:04:32

       And it just makes me so sad and frustrated to see so many of you that are listening, wasting years of your life really feeling this desire to try something, and putting all your energy, all your energy, into talking yourself out of it. Here's something that I just recorded an episode about this, and it's the fall, so I'm thinking a lot about the fact that, you know, in the fall season, at least in New England, and I realize in other areas of the world it's not the fall right now, the leaves fall off the tree, right? Here's an interesting fact. This is not a beautiful, graceful thing that happens. The tree pushes those frickers off its branches as an act of survival, because leaves have a huge surface area, and they require a lot of water to be able to capture the sun and convert it into energy for the tree, and over winter, there ain't no water. And if those trees are there, that, the, the leaves are there, the tree's gonna die. And it's an energy conserver. It is an energy issue. You are putting so much negative energy into things that you won't let go of, into complaining, into relationships that don't work, into your excuses. Do you know how much energy it takes to walk into a job you can't stand? And yet you do it every day. Imagine if instead of sitting at your desk resisting, complaining, gossiping, and coming up with excuses, imagine if you just redirected some of that energy toward looking for something else. That like the leaves get pushed off a tree, you make a decision that today I am actually going to let go of the gossiping and complaining about this, because that is zapping my energy, and I'm gonna direct my energy at something positive. 'Cause once I get rid of that, I got room for something positive to grow.

   18. JSJay Shetty1:06:30

       Mm-hmm.

   19. SPSpeaker1:06:32

       And complaining to yourself and robbing yourself of just trying something-

   20. JSJay Shetty1:06:37

       Yeah. [laughs]

   21. SPSpeaker1:06:38

       And we don't think about it that way.

   22. JSJay Shetty1:06:40

       Yeah. It takes the same amount of energy.

   23. SPSpeaker1:06:42

       I think more.

   24. JSJay Shetty1:06:43

       Yeah, more, potentially. It, it definitely, yeah, it's more draining, but it is, if anyone wants to think about it, yeah, it's It's that same energy, just put in a different direction could, could change the course.

   25. SPSpeaker1:06:54

       It does change the course.

   26. JSJay Shetty1:06:55

       Yeah. And it just needs to try.

   27. SPSpeaker1:06:57

       Yeah.

   28. JSJay Shetty1:06:57

       I love that willingness to try.

   29. SPSpeaker1:06:58

       So the 60% rule. There's one takeaway on confidence, okay? The second thing that you can do with confidence, because it's action-based, this is where the five-second rule is a game changer. Just use my five-second rule literally in those moments where you feel self-doubt kick in. You gotta be careful because you have a habit of hesitating. You have a habit of doing what psychologists say, you have a bias towards thinking.

   30. JSJay Shetty1:07:21

       Mm-hmm.
9. 1:09:53 – 1:16:19

   Why it’s easier to question how somebody’s changing

   1. SPSpeaker1:09:53

      to feel envious or f- even be somewhat of a jerk when somebody that you care about changes, and I want to tell a story to explain why.

   2. JSJay Shetty1:10:05

      Mm-hmm.

   3. SPSpeaker1:10:06

      And the story, I'm the villain, okay? [laughs] Which is basically the role I've played in my marriage. Poor Chris. Um-

   4. JSJay Shetty1:10:14

      [laughs] Chris is wonderful.

   5. SPSpeaker1:10:16

      Yes.

   6. JSJay Shetty1:10:16

      Yeah.

   7. SPSpeaker1:10:16

      Chris is amazing. So Chris, a, a couple years ago decided he was going to completely stop drinking, and he went on this deep spiritual journey, and he was gonna stop drinking for a couple years, and he became a Buddhist meditation instructor and a yoga instructor and started his men's retreat business. And I'll never forget the first night that he was not drinking, I open up a bottle of rosé, I'm pouring a glass of rosé. Everything's great 'cause I'm cooking. Great. The second night, as I'm opening up a bottle of rosé and Chris is, like, cracking open, like, I don't know, like, a St. Croix, I'm starting to feel agitation. I'm starting to feel the campaign, the complaining, the this and the that, and I notice it, and I'm like, "Don't say anything." The third day is when Mel the villain showed up. And I'm not proud to admit this, but I want everybody to hear this so you understand what's actually happening inside of your relationship. I crack open the rosé, I'm pouring my glass of wine, and I turn to Chris and I'm like, "Come on. You want to have a glass of rosé with me?" And he says, "No. I'm, I'm good." And I said, "It's like juice." [laughs]

   8. JSJay Shetty1:11:34

      [laughs] It's like juice.

   9. SPSpeaker1:11:36

      Such a jerk. Such a jerk.

   10. JSJay Shetty1:11:37

       Give it to a four-year-old. [laughs]

   11. SPSpeaker1:11:38

       [laughs] And he goes-

   12. JSJay Shetty1:11:39

       Yeah, yeah. It's like juice

   13. SPSpeaker1:11:40

       ... "Mel, I do not want a glass of wine. Stop asking me." And I said, "Okay, I'm sorry. It's just that it makes me feel bad." And this is when he said something that just, pew. He said, "Nobody cares what's in your glass but you, and if what I'm putting in my glass makes you question what you're putting in yours, then maybe you have some work to do." And it is easier, everybody, to question somebody else's change and even sabotage it because their change in growth creates a change in energy and ripples and changes in patterns that make you wake up and start realizing that maybe some of the things you do don't work for you. So when that friend of yours stays in to write a business plan, how many of us on a Saturday night are gonna be like, "Oh, come on. You can work on it tomorrow. Do you have to go to the gym today? Stay in bed with me." That's that same behavior of dragging somebody to join in with you and pour what's in your cup- And so I want you to understand this is normal, and it's a really good sign because it means that your behavior is not only changing you but is sending waves at somebody else that has just given them a wake-up call.

   14. JSJay Shetty1:13:06

       Mm.

   15. SPSpeaker1:13:07

       And most of us push against those wake-up calls, and that's what they're doing because you're very safe to do it with.

   16. JSJay Shetty1:13:13

       Mm.

   17. SPSpeaker1:13:14

       And so that's something that's really important to understand. And I find that the best way to support somebody, because we all know we can't change somebody else, is you keep a laser focus on what you're doing because the bigger the change becomes and the happier you become, the m- more difficult it's going to be for your friend or your family to ignore it.

   18. JSJay Shetty1:13:42

       Mm.

   19. SPSpeaker1:13:42

       And the more it's going to stir up more things and eventually inspiration. And the best thing that you can do is ask leading questions.

   20. JSJay Shetty1:13:52

       Mm.

   21. SPSpeaker1:13:52

       Do not tell somebody what to do. That is the worst thing you can do in a relationship or friendship or as a parent. Instead, like, literally, "Hey, you s- you don't seem happy. Is there anything that I can do to help? You don't seem like yourself. Is something going on? Do you need support in something?" And, you know, my, my favorite sentence on the planet as a parent and as a wife is, "Do you need me to listen, or would you like to know what I'm thinking?"

   22. JSJay Shetty1:14:19

       Mm.

   23. SPSpeaker1:14:21

       And nine times out of 10, my kids, my husband, the folks that work for me, they just want me to listen. And so I think when you create an opening for somebody to stop engaging in their own self-doubt and their own very active and painful kind of reasons why they can't join you at the gym or reasons why they're not gonna meditate or reasons why they're not gonna join you in Dry January or whatever it may be, or the reasons why they can't... Can't you... We all have a friend, can't look for a job. Never gonna find anybody. That's not true, and you know it. So create the space. You be the light on the path ahead. And when you hold your light higher, eventually that jealousy and those excuses, it actually allows it to disappear, and you part, you become part of the force that pulls them forward. And the other thing you have to understand is that there are going to be legs of your journey in life, and this is one of the hardest things, where people are gonna pull off and take a different route. That's okay. They may come back at another time. That's okay. And, you know, the final thing that I wanted to say about this is it's a very simple exercise that you can do with somebody, and this helps somebody who is either struggling with happiness and doesn't know how to get started or is struggling with confidence and is not able to take action or who is resisting the changes that you are doing and you would love to see them do. We did this with our daughter who, uh, is now 23, and last summer when she graduated from college, really unhappy. I mean, two years of college had been imploded, and she was extremely depressed and basically just drank her way through it and graduated and was not happy.

10. 1:16:19 – 1:21:45

    How to find happiness again

    1. SPSpeaker1:16:19

       Big life change. Nothing was going according to plan. She had planned this huge trip to go to Cambodia and do a big service trip for four months. That wasn't gonna hap-- just lost. And so Chris and I sat with her for a couple hours, and then I sa-- and she's like, "I don't know what to do. I'm 22. I'm stuck. I'm miserable. I don't even know how to start." And I said, "I actually think you do. I think you're just scared. Take out a blank piece of paper. Draw a line down the center. On the left-hand side, I want you to write 'happy me.' Now close your eyes and think about a time that you remember being happy or more confident or alive. It could be any word you want, right? And you might have to go back to childhood." Our daughter closed her eyes, and she said it was senior year in high school. And I said, "Okay. So write down all of the things that you were doing in a week of your life senior year in high school. Just describe your life for me." "Oh, I got up at..." And, and do it in detail, everybody. "I got up at 7:00 AM or 6:30. I was leaving the house by 7:00. I was with my friends all day. I was looking forward to going to college. I was playing varsity lacrosse. I was exercising six days a week. I was only partying with friends twice a week. I, you know, was in a healthy dating relationship. I ate four dinners a night at home." Like just do, do, do, do, do. Great. W- Write down what your life looks like now. "I sleep till 1:00. I drink every day. I feel like I don't see my friends 'cause everybody's scattered now that we graduated. I don't have anything to look forward to. My, my trip to Cambodia is canceled. I'm not exercising." Okay. Compare the two. Your own life experience offers the map. And we wanna overcomplicate these big words like happiness, I know I did for decades, or confidence. It's actually found in the little things. If you do this simple exercise of drawing a line down a piece of paper and you write down what life looked like in great detail, when did you wake up, when did you go to bed, how often were you with friends, family, what were you doing for work, exercise, what were you eating, if you then compare that to what life looks like now, you now know what to do. And the fact is, your whole life is the little things. It's when you wake up. It's the first thing you look at. It's what you- Do with your body. It's how you greet your spouse. It's how you talk to yourself. It's what you say to yourself when you look in the mirror. It's the mood that you walk into work with intentionally. It's how you greet your animals or your roommate when you end the day. It's the tone of voice that you use. That's your whole life, and if you were to just take the time and intentionally write down a few simple things that you do when you're happy in life, and you were to focus for the next seven days on just adding one of those in a day, you would be very surprised how getting some of the little things right actually starts to turn your life in a completely different direction.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:19:43

       So powerful. Mel, it's been an absolute pleasure having you back on the show. Uh, the Mel Robbins podcast is out right now. You can go and listen, subscribe, share. Please, please, please go and do that. Mel, I love sitting down with you. I love... Today was that perfect balance, as I was talking about before, of playing tennis, going back and forth, and at the same time just getting some really practical, insightful advice from you on step-by-step strategic systematic breakdown of how to do things. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a dear friend to me and Radhi. Uh, I hope me, you, Chris, all of us get to spend lots more time together-

    3. SPSpeaker1:20:23

       Mm

    4. JSJay Shetty1:20:24

       ... uh, genuinely, or even if it's lots, not lots more time, but it's deep time together.

    5. SPSpeaker1:20:29

       Mm.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:20:30

       Uh, that would make me very happy, and, uh, I wish you all the best on defeating the campaigns of misery-

    7. SPSpeaker1:20:37

       [laughs]

    8. JSJay Shetty1:20:37

       ... for yourself and everyone else in the world through your show, through your books, on Audible, through, through your book in The 5 Second Rule, and also for helping me start working on my campaigns of misery as well. So thank you so much, Mel. I deeply appreciate you, very grateful to you.

    9. SPSpeaker1:20:53

       I love you, Jay.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:20:54

        [laughs]

    11. SPSpeaker1:20:54

        And I can't wait to see you acting.

    12. JSJay Shetty1:20:56

        [laughs] Yeah, now, now I have to, now I have accountability.

    13. SPSpeaker1:21:00

        So I wanna offer another mistake I've made, and I've made this with both Chris and with our daughter Kendall. So Chris, as he is running Soul Degree, which is men's retreat, and our daughter Kendall, as she's writing music. One of the best things that you can do to help create momentum is to call out the teeny steps you're taking. I made a mistake with our daughter for a long time where I kept talking about the big stuff, or I kept saying, "But you're not writing songs," or, "This would make a great song," or, you know, "Play me something new." And she would go, "Stop talking about this. Stop telling me what to do." Because

11. 1:21:45 – 1:26:22

    Verbal acknowledgement of the little achievements

    1. SPSpeaker1:21:45

       when somebody loves you, they respect your opinion, and trust me, they know when they're not doing what they need to do every day.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:21:52

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SPSpeaker1:21:52

       So you will support somebody more when you say, "You know, I'm really proud of you for the fact that you're very relaxed about this. I'm really proud of you for the fact that you're not beating yourself up, uh, that it's not happened sooner. I'm really proud of you for marching to your own drum. I'm really proud of you for writing a song today and playing it for... That's freaking awesome." Acknowledging the little stuff is incredibly powerful-

    4. JSJay Shetty1:22:21

       Yeah

    5. SPSpeaker1:22:21

       ... because the person has h- has to push through so much of their own stuff that if you go, "Oh, and you should do it this way," or, "Oh, have you tried that?" Or, "Oh, you know, it'd be great if you do this," you're not actually building momentum. You're pointing out what wasn't done.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:22:38

       Yeah.

    7. SPSpeaker1:22:38

       And that was something I was guilty of for a long time, catching myself and trying to look for, oh, what are they doing, and giving them that pat on the back, that hug, that high five, that verbal acknowledgement of the effort done, or even the fact that, the fact that they haven't done anything, but they're thinking about it. That is worth it, too.

    8. JSJay Shetty1:22:59

       And the reason we do that, you know this, is because we don't give ourselves a pat on the back for doing something small. So we don't even acknowledge when we do something small. We're waiting, and we're saying to ourselves, "Oh, well, all you did today was go to the gym. All you did this week was go to the gym twice. That's not enough."

    9. SPSpeaker1:23:16

       Yep.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:23:17

        And because we talk to ourselves like that, when someone in our life does it, it triggers us about going, "Yeah, they only went to the gym twice a week, too. Like, that's terrible."

    11. SPSpeaker1:23:23

        Yep.

    12. JSJay Shetty1:23:23

        And so I, I couldn't agree with you more, and I've... Yeah, I, I think I've had to be my own cheerleader for so much of my life and notice the little things that I've done and the little progress that, with Radhi, I've definitely seen that, and she appreciates it, where I'll just, you know, notice those smaller things. But I realize that any time I get triggered by someone's lack of growth, it's because I'm triggered by my own lack of growth.

    13. SPSpeaker1:23:46

        Mm.

    14. JSJay Shetty1:23:47

        And I'm just reflecting that back onto them. I'm upset with myself for not going to the gym more times this week, and because they haven't, I'm now releasing that on them, and that's been such a great way of going, "Okay, well, I need to be kinder to myself, too-

    15. SPSpeaker1:24:00

        Right

    16. JSJay Shetty1:24:00

        ... for the little wins." Yes, it took you two years to launch this podcast, but there were things in those two years that you learned about getting to where you are now, that you made so many steps of progress, and that's why, you know-

    17. SPSpeaker1:24:11

        Yes

    18. JSJay Shetty1:24:11

        ... it's, it's been so well.

    19. SPSpeaker1:24:11

        And also, there are so many little steps about completing things so that you can create room.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:24:16

        Yes.

    21. SPSpeaker1:24:17

        And so one of the other things I want to offer, too, is yes, that tendency for us to jump in and be like, "Oh, did you try this?" Or, "Do this," or, "Oh, da, da, da," and, like, kind of create this snowball, it does come from the fact that a lot of us are not encouraging of ourselves, but it also comes from a really altruistic, loving space.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:24:35

        Yes, yeah.

    23. SPSpeaker1:24:36

        Because you love this person so much, you want it so much for them, that as soon as you see a s- tiny step forward, you're like, "Ah, l- let's do this."

    24. JSJay Shetty1:24:44

        Yeah, that's true.

    25. SPSpeaker1:24:44

        And you want to join in with them. And so it can come from both a place of your own lack of support for yourself as a default-

    26. JSJay Shetty1:24:54

        Yes

    27. SPSpeaker1:24:54

        ... unintentionally, but it also comes from a really good place because you're just so excited, and you then amplify things, and then they feel crushed-

    28. JSJay Shetty1:25:01

        Yeah

    29. SPSpeaker1:25:02

        ... because what they did do doesn't now feel like enough.

    30. JSJay Shetty1:25:05

        Absolutely. I love that clarification. I agree with this both. Uh, everyone who's been listening and watching today, make sure you tag Mel and I on Instagram, on TikTok, on Twitter, whatever social media platform you use, with all your greatest insights, nuggets of wisdom from this episode. There are so many scattered across the entire time we've been talking. Make sure you grab the screenshot of the episode. Share it with a friend. Maybe there's someone in your life that would benefit from listening to this with you and then having a conversation about it afterwards. I think that's something I'm really encouraging. I find that when we're collectively having an experience, it's even better than saying, "Hey, I just heard this amazing thing." Listen to it with friends, listen to it with family, and then discuss it amongst yourselves. I hope we've given you enough tools and insight and thoughts to start a conversation, to ask a powerful question, and I hope that you're leaving here today feeling happier, healthier, and more healed. Thank you so much, On Purpose community. I love you deeply, and thank you to Mel for joining us again today. I'll see you on the next one. Thanks, everyone. If you want even more videos just like this one, make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here. I'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book, Think Like a Monk, from thinklikeamonkbook.com. Check below in the description to make sure you order today.

Episode duration: 1:26:22