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Jay Shetty PodcastJay Shetty Podcast

The Brain Expert: How To Raise Mentally Resilient Children (According To Science) | Dr. Daniel Amen

Today, let's welcome back renowned brain expert and child psychologist, Dr. Daniel Amen! We discuss mindful parenting, ways you can set goals with your children, and how to nurture their ability to think independently. Dr. Amen will help you better understand the hacks of raising well-rounded, resilient, and loving individuals in today's fast-paced world. In this interview, we discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:46 How Do You Set Goals For Your Kids? 04:34 How Do Children Become Free Thinkers? 10:19 Allow Your Child to Get Uncomfortable 13:01 The 20-Minute Practice to Bond with Your Child 17:46 What Does No Boundaries Lead To? 21:26 Why Do Children Shut Down? 24:54 How Do You Repair a Broken Bond? 28:00 Don’t Tell Your Child They Are Smart 31:04 How Can Your Child Solve a Problem? 33:07 You Are Making Your Kids Miserable 35:16 Attachments That Become Broken 37:37 I Don’t Understand My Child 41:54 What is a Loving Discipline? 44:51 My Child is Addicted to Social Media 46:25 What Does Social Do to the Brain? 48:35 Effects of Divorce on Kids 51:01 Teach Your Child to Self-Soothe 53:39 How to Love Your Child Right Episode Resources: https://www.tiktok.com/ @docamen https://www.instagram.com/doc_amen/ https://twitter.com/docamen https://www.linkedin.com/in/drdanielamen/ https://www.facebook.com/drdanielamen/ https://www.amazon.com/stores/Daniel-G.-Amen/author/B004G3QFTW? https://danielamenmd.com/ https://www.amenuniversity.com/ https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean

Dr. Daniel AmenguestJay Shettyhost
Mar 25, 202456mWatch on YouTube ↗

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At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Dr. Daniel Amen on Raising Mentally Strong, Independent, Resilient Children

  1. Amen argues that mentally strong kids start with mentally strong, present parents who model clarity about what kind of parent they want to be and what kind of child they want to raise.
  2. He says parents should not solve all their children's problems, letting kids make affordable mistakes and face consequences so they build agency, responsibility, and self-esteem.
  3. Amen recommends 20 minutes a day of 'special time' with no commands, questions, or directions, plus active listening, to build the bond that gives parents influence.
  4. He stresses firm but kind boundaries, citing a University of Oregon study in which loving-but-permissive parenting was linked to more mental health challenges than hostile-and-firm parenting.
  5. He links child behavior to brain health, including diet, sleep, myelination, social media, and divorce, and encourages assessment when problems persist.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Don't solve all your child's problems

Amen says kids should make mistakes while consequences are affordable, citing his stepdaughter Chloe's homework and a Harvard study linking childhood responsibility and work to self-esteem.

Twenty minutes of special time builds the bond

Time with the phone away, no commands, no questions, and no directions, doing something the child chooses, is described as 'money in the relational bank.'

Listen and reflect rather than lecture

Active listening means repeating back what the child says and the feelings behind it, then pausing so the child solves their own problem, while still holding boundaries on behavior.

Loving but permissive parenting is risky

Amen describes a University of Oregon study where loving-and-permissive parenting ranked second worst, because children need boundaries until their frontal lobes develop.

Praise effort, not intelligence

Telling a child they're smart can lower self-esteem when they struggle, whereas praising hard work leads them to work harder when facing something difficult.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

You do not solve all of your children's problems. That's the heart of love and logic. It's you want kids to make mistakes, and you want them to pay the consequences so they learn.

— Dr. Daniel Amen

I would get self-esteem by solving my children's problems. And what I realized is I was robbing them of their self-esteem.

— Dr. Daniel Amen

If you tell them they're smart and they can't learn something, their self-esteem drops. If you go, "I really like how hard you're working," and they come up with something hard, they work harder.

— Dr. Daniel Amen

Every day you're shaping your child by what you notice. You're shaping your partner. You're shaping your employees.

— Dr. Daniel Amen

Love is putting away your phone and spending time with them.

— Dr. Daniel Amen

Goal-setting for parents and kidsLove and Logic and letting kids face consequencesSpecial time and active listeningFirm and kind boundariesAttachment and mental healthSocial media and brain healthDivorce and self-soothing techniques

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