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Lewis HowesTHE SECRET To Negotiating In Business & Life TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS | Chris Voss & Lewis Howes
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WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Chris Voss on curiosity, empathy, and endings that win negotiations
- Chris Voss argues that negotiation is happening constantly—any time someone has what you want or need—and the most consistent commodity at stake is time.
- He emphasizes controlling emotional reactions through curiosity, daily mindset practice (including gratitude), and trained performance repetitions rather than willpower alone.
- He outlines tactical communication tools—labels (“It sounds like…”), summarizing to elicit “That’s right,” and no-oriented questions—to build connection, gather information, and reduce defensiveness.
- He describes how many opportunities are “fake deals” that exist to extract free consulting or leverage you as a competing bid, and he explains how to diagnose and disengage early without burning bridges.
- He highlights relationship-preserving negotiation, including emotional anchoring and ending interactions on a collaborative note because the last impression tends to stick.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasUse genuine curiosity to defuse emotional triggers and avoid burning bridges.
He describes curiosity as a way to keep yourself from feeling cornered and retaliating, especially when someone is threatening or aggressive. Instead of reacting to the threat itself, he suggests getting curious about what pressure the other person is under.
Negotiation composure is trained through repetition and daily emotional hygiene.
He frames emotional control as a performance skill that requires constant repetitions—similar to hygiene habits you can’t do once and be done. He also says gratitude is a daily “emotional hack” that helps maintain a positive frame of mind.
People do more for you when you make them feel seen, respected, and positive.
He emphasizes that small interpersonal cues (smiling, using someone’s name, recognizing them as a person) change how people respond. He links this to the idea that people can “hurt you by doing nothing,” or help you with small extra efforts if they feel like it.
A major negotiation advantage is learning to identify and exit non-deals early.
He says many business opportunities are “fake deals,” where the other side wants you as a competing bid or wants free consulting, and they were never going to close. He describes using early diagnostic questions to avoid months of wasted effort.
Use ‘why’ carefully: it creates defensiveness, but can be leveraged to elicit commitment and information.
He explains that “why” questions tend to trigger defensiveness, but can be used strategically by asking “Why me?” in a way that prompts the other person to justify choosing you. He also notes people like correcting others, and you can learn more by inviting that correction.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesYou know, everybody we have in, in performance skills, which is almost all of them other than riding a bike, you got three choices, and only three for tomorrow: stay even, be worse, get better.
— Chris Voss
You know, the repetitive behaviors to stay in a positive frame of mind are critical because we're naturally wired to be negative.
— Chris Voss
Never be mean to somebody who could hurt you by doing nothing.
— Chris Voss
Criticism is mostly fear-driven.
— Chris Voss
Yeah. Uh, be curious, be nicer, be grateful.
— Chris Voss
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SPEAKERS
Chris Voss
guestFormer FBI hostage negotiator and founder of Black Swan Ltd, known for negotiation training and the book "Never Split the Difference".
Lewis Howes
hostHost of "The School of Greatness" podcast and interviewer.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
