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How to Have Better Sex: Your Guide to Romance, Intimacy, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In this episode, you are going to learn how to have amazing sex, deeper intimacy, and create real, lasting love. If you’re not having sex, or if sex feels like one more thing on the to-do list, this is what you need to hear right now. Today, Mel sits down with Dr. Nicole McNichols, PhD, a University of Washington professor who teaches the most popular class on campus – which is about human sexuality. There is a reason she is the country’s #1 sex professor. Her message is simple: nothing is “wrong” with you. You were just never taught how desire actually works, what turns you on, or how women’s pleasure is even designed. Dr. McNichols will change the way you think about arousal, orgasm, and intimacy, including the mind-blowing truth that women’s anatomy has been misunderstood for decades. Did you know the clitoris wasn’t fully mapped until the early 2000s? This episode is the sex advice women actually need. This is not another conversation about how to please your partner, it’s not about performing, pushing through, or “fixing” yourself. It’s about pleasure, connection, and learning the skills that make sex feel good again at any age, and in real life. You will learn: -Why desire often shows up after you start, and what to do when you love your partner but “don’t feel like it” -The biggest sex misconception keeping couples stuck (and how to rebuild without pressure) -What most people never learned about the clitoris, arousal, and why penetrative sex alone isn’t the main path to orgasm -How to stop faking orgasms and start communicating in ways that actually work -The simplest way to rebuild intimacy when you’re exhausted, stressed, or parenting with zero privacy -What to do if menopause, dryness, or pain is making sex feel impossible (and why you should not just “live with it”) -How to get out of your head if body image has hijacked your sex life -How to date again and rebuild confidence after a long dry spell, without forcing yourself into hookups If you’ve ever thought, “I’m too tired,” “I love them but I’m not in the mood,” “It hurts,” “My body changed,” or “It’s been so long I don’t even know where to start,” this episode will give you language, relief, and a way forward. Dr. McNichols’ book is You Could Be Having Better Sex and after this conversation, you will. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-369/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Meet the Guest 5:49 The Science-Backed Health Benefits of Great Sex 13:12 You Can Get Better in Bed: Simple Habits That Improve Your Sex Life 21:48 Foreplay Tips 23:46 The Orgasm Gap 26:57 Does Penis Size Matter? 28:06 How Long Does It Take to Orgasm? 30:35 How to Stop Faking Orgasms: What to Say to Your Partner 36:47 How to Improve Sex in a Long-Term Relationship 41:00 Sexual Fantasies Explained: Does a Fantasy Mean You Really Want It? 48:07 Is Sexuality Fluid? Exploring Attraction, Identity, and Sexual Orientation 50:53 Kink 101: How to Add Kink Into Your Sex Life 53:40 How to Find the Clitoris: A Simple, Accurate Guide 1:01:14 A Guide to Clitoral Orgasms: How to Give and Receive Pleasure 1:08:48 Painful Sex During Menopause: Causes, Solutions, and What Helps 1:17:11 Navigating Hookup Culture: How to Explore Casual Sex Without Forcing It 1:24:11 Do Only Men Want Casual Sex? The Truth About Desire (Men vs. Women) 1:25:51 How Busy Parents Can Rebuild Intimacy With No Time or Privacy 1:29:50 Overcoming Body Image Anxiety During Sex — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Dr. Nicole McNicholsguestMel Robbinshost
Feb 11, 20261h 37mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Science-backed roadmap to better sex through pleasure, communication, anatomy,

  1. Dr. Nicole McNichols reframes sex as a health- and relationship-supporting pillar of well-being, not a “treat,” emphasizing that prioritizing pleasure builds resilience, creativity, and relationship satisfaction.
  2. She introduces a “sexual growth mindset,” arguing great sex is a learnable skill that improves through experimentation, communication, and non-sexual touch—especially in long-term relationships where spontaneous desire may be low.
  3. Key sex-ed myths are debunked with data: most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone, penis size is far less important than technique and clitoral stimulation, fantasies don’t equal real-life desires, and kink is not inherently unhealthy.
  4. The episode provides concrete guidance on foreplay and clitoral anatomy (including internal structures), stopping orgasm-faking via honest communication, navigating menopause-related pain, body-image anxiety, and hookup culture with clarity about motivation and consent.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Treat sex like exercise: a priority that fuels health and resilience.

McNichols argues satisfying, consensual sex supports cardiovascular and brain health and may predict longevity, while also boosting “ego resilience”—more creativity, openness, and capacity to handle life stressors.

A “sexual growth mindset” predicts better sex more than innate chemistry.

Believing sex can improve through practice, feedback, masturbation/self-knowledge, and experimentation is linked to higher satisfaction; “sexual destiny” beliefs (“it is what it is”) keep couples stuck.

Desire often starts after touch—especially in long-term relationships.

Many people (often women) experience responsive desire, where arousal emerges once closeness begins; giving the body time to “warm up” reduces pressure and increases pleasurable outcomes.

Non-sexual touch prevents “every touch means sex” avoidance.

Regular cuddling/holding hands/hugging reduces recoil and obligation; she cites a simple habit—hugging for ~90 seconds daily—to build connection and indirectly support desire.

Penetration is not the default path to orgasm for most women.

Only ~18% of women orgasm from penetrative sex alone; most need clitoral stimulation. This single fact can reduce shame for women and performance pressure for partners.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

“We tend to think of sex as something that's just a treat… the reality is that sex is something that needs to be prioritized.”

— Dr. Nicole McNichols

“Only 18% of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone.”

— Dr. Nicole McNichols

“Sex is a skill… trial and error… we can teach each other to have Eduardo’s tongue.”

— Dr. Nicole McNichols

“Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; gratitude does.”

— Dr. Nicole McNichols

“Own your pleasure, and own your fundamental right as a human being to enjoy a healthy sex life.”

— Dr. Nicole McNichols

Sex as essential well-being and “ego resilience”Sexual growth mindset vs. sexual destiny beliefsResponsive desire and non-sexual touch habitsForeplay and clitoral anatomy (external + internal)Orgasm gap, faking orgasms, and sexual communicationPenis size myths and pleasure mechanicsNovelty (“micro novelty”) for long-term desireFantasies vs. real-life wantsSexual fluidity and bisexual stigmaKink, consent, and communication frameworksMenopause: dryness, pain, HRT/lube optionsHookup culture, motivation, and boundariesBody image, sexual mindfulness, and confidence

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