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The Mel Robbins Podcast

The Surprising Psychology Behind the Secrets Everyone Keeps | The Mel Robbins Podcast

In today’s episode, you and I are discussing the fascinating science of secrets: why you keep them and how keeping secrets directly impacts your relationships, your self-esteem, your health, and holds you back from living the life you…

Mel RobbinshostDr. Michael Slepianguest

Aug 31, 20231h 12mWatch on YouTube ↗

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Why secrets matter: burden, self-esteem, and relationships
Mel opens with the central premise: everyone has secrets, and the real damage isn’t hiding them—it’s living with them. She frames the episode as a path to relief from shame, isolation, and the hidden impact secrets have on health and connection.
- •Secrets are universal and often feel like a heavy burden
- •The hardest part is carrying a secret internally, not concealing it
- •Secrets affect self-esteem, relationships, and well-being
- •Goal of the episode: reduce shame and help listeners feel freer
The personal secret that launched Dr. Slepian’s work on secrecy
Dr. Michael Slepian shares the shocking family disclosure that his father is not his biological father and that he and his brother are donor-conceived (with different donors). The revelation highlights how secrecy—not the fact itself—can destabilize trust and understanding in families.
- •The disclosure came right after a high-stakes job interview day
- •Parents intended to never reveal the donor-conception story
- •Slepian’s brother learned first, prompting the family reveal
- •The emotional disruption came from the long-kept secrecy more than the truth
Why we experience secrets as ‘weight’: the psychology of being encumbered
Slepian explains early research showing that thinking about a secret makes the world feel more difficult—literally altering judgments like how steep a hill looks. This supports the common language of secrets ‘weighing us down’ and shows how secrets tax perceived resources.
- •People describe secrets using physical-weight metaphors for a reason
- •When a secret is salient, challenges feel bigger and harder
- •Research uses perception tasks (hills/distances) linked to physical burden
- •Secrets can make you feel less capable of handling what’s ahead
The ‘top secrets’ people keep—and how common they are
Using data from thousands of real secrets, Slepian outlines major categories and explains the ‘universe’ of common secrecy. Mel confirms that listener-submitted secrets map onto these categories, reinforcing how shared (and normal) many secret themes are.
- •Researchers developed 38 comprehensive categories of secrets
- •People average about 13 secrets at any given time
- •Most common: significant lies; others include romance, money, sex, family, ambitions
- •Listener secrets strongly matched the research categories
What counts as a secret: intent to withhold, not constant concealment
They define secrecy as the intention to withhold information from one or more people. Crucially, many secrets rarely come up in conversation; the secret still exists because it lives before and after any moment of concealment.
- •Definition: intent to withhold information from someone
- •Many secrets don’t require frequent ‘hiding’ in conversation
- •The internal experience of secrecy is the larger slice of the problem
- •A secret begins the moment you decide ‘I can’t tell them’
Good secrets vs harmful secrets—and whether secrecy is innate
Not all secrets are bad: surprises can protect relationships and feel fine, while shame-based secrets erode well-being. Slepian explains secrecy as both natural (seen in children and even primates) and shaped by learning and social context.
- •Some secrets are benign (e.g., surprise party) and not burdensome
- •Harm tends to come from negative, shame-linked secrets
- •Children keep secrets once they understand mental privacy
- •Secrecy is both innate and learned through social experience
The real harm: living alone with a secret (shame, isolation, rumination)
Slepian emphasizes that concealment moments are relatively easy; the toll comes from replaying the secret internally. Mel connects this to her own past and the way secrecy disconnects you from yourself through shame and self-judgment.
- •People aren’t harmed most by ‘hiding’—they’re harmed by rumination
- •Isolation blocks healthy perspective-taking and support
- •Secrets trigger shame, inauthenticity, uncertainty, and self-doubt
- •Mel links secrecy to disconnection from self and self-trust
Listener confessions: common themes and ‘we make it bigger in our heads’
Mel reads a range of audience secrets (financial struggles, marriage unhappiness, sexual dissatisfaction, emotional entanglements, education shame). Slepian explains how even thoughts and feelings—without actions—can become weighty secrets, and how disclosure often isn’t as catastrophic as feared.
- •Relationship and financial secrets are especially frequent
- •People may feel intense shame about experiences others wouldn’t judge harshly
- •Even ‘just thoughts’ (extra-relational feelings) can be heavy secrets
- •Revealing is often less damaging than imagined; secrecy amplifies the burden
Privacy vs secrecy: control, boundaries, and the role of shame
They distinguish private information (not typically discussed) from secrecy (intentional withholding if relevant). Mel reframes the emotional tone: ‘private’ can feel empowering and boundary-based, while ‘secret’ often carries self-condemnation.
- •Not everything unknown is a secret—some things simply never arise
- •Privacy: a boundary choice; secrecy: deliberate concealment
- •A specific event you’d intentionally hide becomes a secret
- •Language matters: ‘private’ vs ‘secret’ shapes shame and agency
Replacing shame with guilt: ‘I did a bad thing’ vs ‘I am a bad person’
Slepian explains that shame attacks identity and makes change feel impossible, while guilt targets behavior and motivates repair. Mel gives listeners a usable script: you can be a good person who did a bad thing—and that distinction enables growth and confession.
- •Shame = ‘I am bad’; guilt = ‘I did something bad’
- •Guilt can be constructive and motivates better choices
- •Separating identity from behavior reduces secrecy’s grip
- •Mel offers a repeatable reframe to support disclosure and healing
Parenting scripts: how to keep the door open when kids confess
They role-play how parents should respond when a teen admits trouble (e.g., drinking at a party). The emphasis is on calm support in the moment, avoiding explosive reactions that teach kids to hide struggles and normalize secrecy as a coping strategy.
- •Kids naturally experiment with secrecy; harmful secrecy is shame-based
- •Best first response: ‘I’m here to help; we’ll get through this together’
- •Avoid angry outbursts that model secrecy and avoidance
- •Prioritize safety and support first; consequences can be handled later
When you’re excluded or suspicious: inviting truth without accusations
Mel asks for tools to approach friends who keep you out of the loop and partners who may be hiding relationship issues. Slepian advises opening conversations with safety, self-focused language, and non-accusatory framing to reduce defensiveness and make honesty easier.
- •Lead with openness and willingness to talk about difficult things
- •Frame secrecy as something that can bring people closer if handled well
- •In relationships, avoid accusations; focus on your feelings and needs
- •Normalize difficult topics to make disclosure less threatening
Family secrets and trauma: generational patterns and deciding what to reveal
They discuss painful family secrets (affairs involving children, substance use, sexual abuse kept hidden). Slepian warns against asking children to keep adult secrets and recommends careful deliberation—often with a third party—before revealing high-impact information.
- •Family secrets are common and can teach secrecy as ‘problem-solving’
- •Adults burdening kids with secrets can create lasting relational patterns
- •Trauma secrets require clarity on purpose: who needs to know and why
- •Talk to a third party first; once revealed, there’s no undo button
The ‘coping compass’: choosing the right person and the right kind of support
Slepian introduces the idea that the best relief often comes from talking to the right person—someone who can provide either emotional support or action-oriented guidance. Mel contrasts compassionate vs assertive support and highlights the importance of not offloading your burden onto someone entangled in the situation.
- •Confiding usually helps—if you choose the right person
- •Two support types: emotional comfort vs assertive action-pushing
- •Avoid creating collateral damage (e.g., telling your partner’s best friend)
- •Pick someone outside the situation when needed; therapy can be ideal
Questions that deepen intimacy + closing reflections on regret and hardest memories
Mel shares two intimacy-building questions (biggest regret, hardest memory), and both answer candidly—showing how disclosure can create closeness and insight. Mel closes by inviting listener submissions for coaching, reinforcing the core message: you are not your secret, and you deserve support.
- •Two prompts to deepen connection: ‘biggest regret’ and ‘hardest memory’
- •Slepian reflects on donor-conception secrecy and regrets about not asking more
- •Both discuss learning from painful relationship patterns and past trauma
- •Mel offers follow-up coaching channel and ends with affirmation and resources

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