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The Surprising Psychology Behind the Secrets Everyone Keeps | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In today’s episode, you and I are discussing the fascinating science of secrets: why you keep them and how keeping secrets directly impacts your relationships, your self-esteem, your health, and holds you back from living the life you deserve. Dr. Michael Slepian is a bestselling author, psychologist, associate professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia Business School, and former scholar at Stanford. He has been researching #secrets for over a decade and will help you understand what secrets are, why we keep them, and the harm of holding them inside. Dr. Slepian's research is shocking: studies prove you are keeping 13 secrets right now. Five of which you’ve never told a single person. Not your mom. Not your best friend. No one. Even more shocking is the impact they have on your life. My mission today is to help you free yourself of the burden of secrets. Listen, and you’ll understand how the secrets we have shape our physical and psychological well-being, who we are, how we connect with others, and how we cope with our challenges. You will also learn: - The most common secret that 61% of you are keeping right now - Why you always feel shame, isolation, and uncertainty when you keep a secret - The fundamental difference between secrecy and privacy, and why privacy is better for your health and relationships - Why the shame of secrecy kills your self-esteem - How to use guilt to get rid of shame (yup) - How babies learn to keep secrets from their parents and caregivers - The one person you should REALLY tell your secret to Keeping a secret is the easy part; the hard part is having to live with it. Let’s change that today. Xo Mel In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:27 The jaw-dropping secret that inspired this conversation today 10:39 Curious about the kinds of secrets people keep? Here are the top 10. 13:56 How exactly do we define a secret? 16:16 Are there any good secrets? 19:02 Keeping the secret isn’t the hard part; the hardest part is this. 23:28 Listen to the secrets my listeners revealed. Recognize yourself? 27:22 Some secrets are no big deal, but we make them big in our heads. 30:06 So what’s the difference between privacy and a secret? 32:46 Here’s how to frame a mistake instead of feeling shame. 36:28 Here’s what parents should say when their kids admit a secret to them. 41:03 What do you say when friends keep you out of the group? 43:52 How do you tell your partner that you’re having an emotional affair? 49:07 What about traumatic family secrets? 55:47 Choose the person who is your "coping compass" wisely. 01:01:56 Questions you can ask anyone to develop a closer relationship 01:08:12 Here’s my hardest memory and what I realize about it now. #research #secret — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Michael Slepianguest
Aug 31, 20231h 12mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Secrets’ Hidden Weight: How Concealing Truth Quietly Destroys Your Life

  1. Mel Robbins interviews psychologist and researcher Dr. Michael Slepian about the psychology of secrets: why we keep them, how many we typically have, and how they impact mental health, self-esteem, and relationships.
  2. Slepian explains that the real damage from secrets comes not from occasional concealment but from repeatedly living with them alone in our thoughts, which fuels shame, isolation, and distorted self-judgment.
  3. They distinguish secrecy from privacy, unpack the difference between shame and guilt, explore family and relationship secrets, and offer concrete guidance on when and how to share secrets safely.
  4. The episode closes with practical frameworks like Slepian’s “coping compass,” scripts for parents and partners, and reflective questions designed to turn secrets into opportunities for connection and growth.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

The real harm of secrets comes from thinking about them alone, not from hiding them in conversation.

Slepian’s studies show we rarely have to actively conceal secrets; the damage arises from repeatedly ruminating on them in isolation, which makes the world feel heavier and problems seem harder to face.

Almost everyone has multiple secrets, and they’re surprisingly similar across people.

Across tens of thousands of participants, people report about 13 secrets from a stable list of 38 categories, with common ones including lies, romantic desires, finances, sexual behavior, extra-relational thoughts, mental health, and family issues.

You should aim to feel guilt (“I did something bad”) not shame (“I am bad”).

Reframing a secret as a bad action by a fundamentally good person opens the door to learning, accountability, and change, instead of trapping you in a fixed, self-condemning identity.

Sharing a secret with the right person can transform it from a burden into a source of support.

Talking about a secret with a carefully chosen confidant—someone outside the conflict, capable of emotional or practical support—helps you gain perspective, reduce isolation, and decide on next steps without simply dumping the burden onto them.

Childhood exposure to family secrets teaches that hiding is how you solve problems.

When kids are enlisted to keep adult secrets or see secrecy used as a coping tool, they often grow into adults who avoid difficult conversations, don’t ask for help, and feel most comfortable keeping others at a distance.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

Keeping the secret, it’s the easy part. The hard part is forcing yourself to live with it.

— Mel Robbins

What’s hard about having a secret is not that we have to hide it, it’s that we have to live with it, alone in our thoughts.

— Dr. Michael Slepian

You’re a good person who did a bad thing. That does not make you a bad person.

— Mel Robbins

Secrets are a chance to help each other with something; they don’t have to be this thing that separates us.

— Dr. Michael Slepian

Secrecy creates problems. It can solve some problems while creating others.

— Dr. Michael Slepian

The psychology and definition of secrecy vs. privacyDr. Slepian’s research on how many secrets people have and common categoriesThe emotional and physical burden of living with secretsShame vs. guilt and their role in secret-keepingFamily secrets and the impact of childhood secrecy on adult behaviorHandling relationship secrets, infidelity, and extra-relational thoughtsHow and when to share a secret safely (the “coping compass” and choosing confidants)

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