#119 – Terry Real: Breaking the cycle of shame, anger, and depression

ℹ️ EPISODE INFO

Released

July 15, 2020

Duration

1h 39m

Channel

Peter Attia MD

Watch on YouTube

▶ Open ↗

📝 EPISODE DESCRIPTION

Original release date: 7/13/20 Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, helps people create the connections they desire in their relationships. In this episode, Terry describes how his upbringing with an abusive father forged his path to become a therapist, develop his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) framework, and write I Don’t Want to Talk About It—a book that reveals the hidden legacy of male depression. Terry discusses the link between childhood trauma and the deep-rooted shame, anger, and depression, which can result in feeling disconnected. Using real-life examples, Terry explains how he implements RLT to confront trauma, discover its origin, and teach the skills to break the cycle of pain, in order to live a satisfying life. We discuss: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:15 - Terry’s upbringing with a depressed and abusive father 00:15:15 - The importance of the repair process, after relational disharmony, to break the trauma cycle 00:19:00 - The impact of a patriarchal society, and relational growth as the next step for feminism 00:27:15 - Origins of deep-rooted shame, and the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling guilty 00:35:30 - Preventing the propagation of trauma without over-coddling kids 00:37:30 - The one-up/one-down cycle from grandiosity to shame 00:40:00 - Covert depression—Steps to fixing the secret legacy of male depression 00:50:00 - Three forms of false self-esteem 00:51:45 - Narcissism—a misunderstood concept 00:54:15 - The interplay of shame, anger, and grandiosity, and how to break the cycle 01:06:30 - The Relational Life Therapy framework 01:15:30 - How the adaptive child becomes the maladaptive adult 01:21:45 - Speaking the language of social relationships 01:26:30 - When does it make sense for a couple to separate? 01:28:15 - Witness abuse—Consequences of screaming at your partner in the presence of children 01:30:45 - Cases of instantaneous change, and others which take more time 01:33:45 - Reconciling with his father—Terry’s final conversation with his dad Show notes page: https://peterattiamd.com/terryreal/ About: The Peter Attia Drive is a weekly, ultra-deep-dive podcast focusing on maximizing health, longevity, critical thinking…and a few other things. With over 30 million episodes downloaded, it features topics including fasting, ketosis, Alzheimer’s disease, cancer, mental health, and much more. Peter is a physician focusing on the applied science of longevity. His practice deals extensively with nutritional interventions, exercise physiology, sleep physiology, emotional and mental health, and pharmacology to increase lifespan (delay the onset of chronic disease), while simultaneously improving healthspan (quality of life). Learn more: https://peterattiamd.com/ Subscribe to receive exclusive subscriber-only content: https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/ Sign up to receive Peter's email newsletter: https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/ Connect with Peter on: Facebook: http://bit.ly/PeterAttiaMDFB Twitter: http://bit.ly/PeterAttiaMDTW Instagram: http://bit.ly/PeterAttiaMDIG Subscribe to The Drive: Apple Podcast: http://bit.ly/TheDriveApplePodcasts Overcast: http://bit.ly/TheDriveOvercast Spotify: http://bit.ly/TheDriveSpotify Google Play: http://bit.ly/TheDriveGooglePlay

🎤 SPEAKERS

• Peter Attia

  host

  Physician and host of The Drive podcast focused on health, longevity, and medicine.

• Terry Real

  guest

  Psychotherapist and creator of Relational Life Therapy, known for work on men, shame, depression, and couples therapy.

🧾 EPISODE SUMMARY

In this episode of Peter Attia MD, featuring Peter Attia and Terry Real, #119 – Terry Real: Breaking the cycle of shame, anger, and depression explores terry Real on Shame, Grandiosity, Male Depression and Relational Healing Terry Real describes growing up with a loving but violent father whose own childhood trauma and depression shaped Terry's path into family therapy.

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