How to Not Die Alone - A Dating Expert's Guide

Ury says maximizers who try to research their way to a perfect partner are headed for unhappiness, because humans are experiential goods that must be lived to be known. She wants them to shift toward choosing someone great, committing, and building.

Using the secretary problem, she says the first third of your dating years gives you a benchmark, which for dating ages 18 to 40 lands at about 26.1. After that, you should invest in the next person who feels as good as that benchmark.

Ury disagrees with Ali's friends who said to hide his Disney side, telling him to portray who he is and aim to attract the one person who would like him. She adds that spending time on how pictures read matters less than going on dates and testing what draws responses.

She says first dates are a warm-up round and that many great long-term partners perform poorly on them. She also notes that sparky, charismatic people are sometimes narcissistic, while someone you like more over time is a better bet.

Ury says treating a date like a job interview with a rubric undermines connection. She suggests tracking how someone makes you feel, using the Post-Date Eight questions like what side of you they bring out and whether they energize or de-energize you.