Re:Thinking with Adam GrantThe importance of validation with therapist Caroline Fleck | ReThinking with Adam Grant
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Validation builds acceptance and change across relationships, therapy, and work.
- Validation is not praise or agreement; it communicates mindfulness, understanding, and empathy so others feel accepted and safe.
- Fleck outlines practical validation tools—especially contextualizing and equalizing—to show a person’s reaction makes sense from their perspective without endorsing ineffective behavior.
- “Only validate the valid” means you can validate emotions (or parts of an experience) while still challenging inaccurate thoughts or unhelpful behaviors.
- DBT’s power comes from balancing acceptance and change, a contrast with CBT’s tendency to move quickly into disputing thoughts, which can backfire when people feel unseen.
- Validation can coexist with boundaries and accountability, including at work (performance issues) and in friendships (oversharing), by pairing empathy with clear limits and next steps.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasValidation is about acceptance, not endorsement.
Fleck distinguishes validation from praise or agreeing: you can communicate “I’m here, I get it, I care” without saying the person is correct or their behavior is appropriate.
Start by resisting the reflex to problem-solve.
Especially with kids or distressed partners, the first move is noticing your impulse to fix and shifting into listening, naming feelings, and making space before solutions.
Use contextualizing to make “illogical” reactions understandable.
Zoom out to the larger story—e.g., veterans ducking at a door slam makes sense given combat conditioning—while still acknowledging the response may not be effective now.
Use equalizing to reduce shame quickly.
Equalizing communicates “anyone in your shoes might react similarly,” which normalizes emotion and lowers defensiveness so change becomes more possible.
Validate components selectively—only what’s valid.
You don’t have to validate the whole reaction; you can validate emotion (fear, ambivalence, disappointment) while challenging distorted thoughts or setting limits on behaviors.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesMy basic version for validation is that it just shows that you're there, you get it, and you care.
— Caroline Fleck
Praise is a judgment. And so they're saying if you're, if you're externally seeking praise all the time, we can see where that would be problematic, right? You can contort yourself in all sorts of ways to meet other people's approval. But validation communicates acceptance and belonging, and there's no need for contortion. It's just being as you are and being seen for that.
— Caroline Fleck
Behavior always makes sense from the actor's perspective, otherwise they wouldn't do it.
— Adam Grant
You can be right all day, but that doesn't mean you're gonna be effective.
— Caroline Fleck
The fact of the matter is, though, that suffering is suffering, okay? And y- every single person suffers, and every single person does well to be seen in their suffering.
— Caroline Fleck
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
