Renowned Therapist: 3 Ways To SAVE A Failing ADHD Relationship - Karen Doherty

Doherty says that once a neurodiverse partner is triggered, executive function falters and they stop hearing the rest of the sentence, as in her bins example. Recognizing this pattern helps couples see they have repeated it many times.

Doherty describes couples using a signal or code word, agreed as being for the couple and not to shut anyone down, so they can walk away and reconvene. She says that most of the time the issue is forgotten quickly, followed by a process conversation the next day.

Doherty says that whether the cause is ADHD or past trauma, individuals and the couple must eventually own, understand and share their triggers. She adds that it takes two to make the strategies work.

She says a capable partner can become overloaded, especially after children arrive, producing a parent/child feel and resentment, anger, loneliness and exhaustion. She links this to a common couple fit between a brilliant neurodiverse partner and a life-skilled partner.

Doherty points to living separate parallel lives, a growing space between partners, and a lack of intimate reciprocity such as chatting and joshing. She also names absolute withdrawal on both sides as a sign that a relationship may be failing.