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Good Inside with Dr. BeckyThe Parenting Shift Nobody Prepares You For (Introducing The In-Between Years)
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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Parenting tweens: navigating rejection, hormones, and the new secure-base role
- The tween shift often blindsides parents because strategies that worked in early childhood suddenly feel ineffective and even “cringe” or intrusive to the child.
- Parents commonly experience grief, rejection, anger, and confusion as kids move from orbiting their parents to seeking separation and identity experimentation.
- Puberty-related brain and body changes drive volatility and role-trying; the parent’s job becomes steady presence and observation rather than problem-solving or rescuing.
- The healthiest stance is the “middle path”: stay available and anchored without pursuing, interrogating, or retaliating with withdrawal when a child pulls away.
- Repair—not just apology—is framed as a core skill in this stage, combining accountability, context, and a plan to show up differently next time.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasExpect a competence crash—and name it as a normal stage shift.
Parents often feel they were just getting good at parenting when the child changes preferences, privacy needs, and reactions; reframing it as a developmental transition reduces shame and blame.
Avoid the two reflexes: chasing harder or checking out.
Pursuing (“interrogating,” over-offering solutions) tends to make tweens run faster, while retaliatory withdrawal (“fine, we’ll have fun without you”) deepens disconnection; aim for steady availability instead.
Be a secure base in a new form: present, not performative.
Tweens don’t need a playmate; they need a consistent adult nearby who can tolerate mood shifts and silence—“potted plant” presence that doesn’t fix, hover, or disappear.
Treat moodiness and identity flips as brain/body remodeling, not personal attacks.
The conversation frames tween behavior as puberty-linked restructuring and hormone shifts; interpreting it as “they’re figuring themselves out” helps parents respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Use reflection more than solutions when they’re upset.
Rather than problem-solving (“take more classes,” “here’s what to do”), reflect experience (“You seem really disappointed”) and let the next moment unfold; this keeps connection open without taking over their process.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesThere's a moment when your child starts changing emotionally, physically, relationally, and suddenly the instincts that guided you so well when they were young, the ones that you practiced year after year and honed in on, now all of a sudden they don't land the same way anymore.
— Dr. Becky
I have this super soft spot for that, like, "I'm one foot in childhood, and I'm one foot in adolescence, and, like, I don't know which day, uh, where the foot is." But, like, the middle is always messy.
— Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
Loss. Loss is the first one. And some confusion, and sometimes some anger, and sometimes just some sadness.
— Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
Think to yourself, "Okay, my job here is to observe them trying to figure out this problem, not to solve it."
— Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
If you remember nothing else, remember this. They act like they don't need you. They still need you.
— Dr. Becky
SPEAKERS
Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
guestPsychologist specializing in tweens/teens and parenting through adolescence.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
